caught between the scilla and charybdis des: Hi. Let me start by thanking you for taking the time to pay attention to this stranger's life. This post is a lot longer than I intended it to be, you can be forgiven for taking a pass. I'm writing this because I'm deeply conflicted about my marriage, and at this point I wouldn't mind hearing what others think. I am not looking for sympathy or support (I think I'm beyond being comforted); what I need is perspective, I need reality, I need a signpost to help me figure out which way is up. I will try and keep my sob story descriptive, but to a minimum.
My marriage is not easy to explain, so naturally, let me start at the end. As of this writing, I am still very much in love with my wife. She's a successful attorney, 32, and absolutely gorgeous. Two months ago, I moved out, switched cities and went back to what for me is home (my family, such as it is, lies scattered across the continent). Our relationship now exists in limbo. I wish I could tell you that my wife slept around on me, it would certainly make my decisions much easier. But neither of us has ever cheated on the other. She's terrible with money, but it would be wrong to say that money is a major issue between us. It's just not. The problem is, as far as I can sum it up in a few words is, I have no faith in her as a partner or a friend anymore.
Let me back up a little and address history for a moment. I met my wife 5 years ago. The two of us have been married for 4 of those years. We have no children. Our romance was a whirlwind, with me proposing just four months after meeting her (I swore I'd never be one to jump in head-over-heels like that). I was blown away with her back then, I just thought she was everything I'd ever hoped to want. She was hip, laid-back, seemed to share the same interests as me. The sex was amazing (and still is). We got married on a beautiful day in a beautiful place, surrounded by the people we love, on the first anniversary of our first date.
During the months leading up to our wedding, my wife and I experience some moments of strife, but at the time I chalked it up to the reverberations that any two people learning to live with one another would go through. I should have seen it as a warning sign. A few months after our wedding, things began to get worse. In the next year I would learn two important things about my wife; the first was that she wasn't exactly the person she had portrayed herself to be during our courtship. It turns out that we don't actually have much in common, and I would discover that she had many personality traits previously unknown to me, including a flexible if tenuous relationship with the truth, selfishness, pettiness, and vindictiveness (oh boy, she can hold a grudge even after discovering a given problem is her own fault). The second issue that came to light, slowly at first and then suddenly and overwhelming, is that my wife has a personality disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder, to be precise). The right medication has made a huge difference, which is to say we've ratcheted it back from 'hell' to 'shitty'. When she's doing well, it's not much of a problem, but when she's not doing well, her whole personality can shift back and forth dozens of times over the course of a day (the palette includes despair, anger, paranoia, awe, emotional sadism, fear, and giddy mania, to name a few). About once every 6-12 months, I have to deal with a terrifying day of suicide threats (which is a pattern consistent with her illness; interestingly enough, self-misrepresentation during courting, previously mentioned, is also a hallmark of the illness).
(cont. on next post)
caught between the scilla and charybdis, prt.2 des: (cont. from previous post)
Making matters worse, my wife has very questionable character traits. She misrepresents herself or lies all the time and for a million different reasons; sometimes she wants to manipulate me, sometimes she doesn't want to be accountable to me for something or anything, sometimes she's hiding a mistake or some minor trespass against me or someone else. Sometimes she doesn't have a reason. Sometimes she means what she says but her point of view is too flexible for what she says to be true more than a couple hours. (Despite this, I'm convinced she's never cheated. Perhaps she will eventually, who can be sure?) When coupled with her illness, she often forgets that she was recently caught lying and rather assumes that I'm persecuting her (persecution complex being another hallmark of BPD). When this is coupled with her poor relationship-communication skills, my attempts at improving our situation through dialogue have been fruitless (we've seen councilors too, to no avail). Her promises about improving her behaviour are endless, with each promise being as worthless as the one that preceded it. Her credibility with me is purely contextual at this point; on most issues, she has none.
The previous paragraphs paint a rather negative picture of my wife. She's not all bad. About 50% of the time she's quite pleasant to hang out with. Often she's a lot of fun. It's just that the nice half doesn't begin to make up for the other half. In fact, for years now it seems the negative things in our relationship have blotted out the positive like the sun blots out the stars.
When I was growing up, life was very difficult. I survived it, scarred, but I'd also become extraordinary tough-minded. This marriage has taken an enormous toll. The last four years have tested me in ways I never could have imagined, and in too many way it's become like the crazy, bad old days of my youth. I'm finally starting to break. I'm reverting to demons I thought I'd conquered 15 years ago (for example, as an adolescent I used to have self-esteem issues manifested as a profound and overwhelming sense of self-loathing, which then lead to self-destructive thoughts; those feelings are resurfacing...). I separated from my wife because I felt I had to, for my own well being. On the one hand, divorce is obviously an option on the table for us, but currently the separation is 'temporary'. Her head-shrinker calls it a 'healing separation'. On the other hand, if I had thought that there was much of a chance of resolving our problem, I never would have left.
So, fast forward a couple months and you'll find me sitting here writing to you (and I don't even know who you are...). I've just read everything I've written, and jumping-Jesus!, what a miserable state of affairs. Unfortunately, it gets more complicated. A couple weeks after I moved out, my wife was diagnosed with a disease that seems pretty certain to kill her in the next 10-20 years (no shit, I couldn't make this up), known as LAM (Lymphangioleiomyomatosis). All of the sudden, during this 'healing separation', it's all about her again.
I can't imagine how I'd leave her during this time in her life, but I can't imagine going back into the chaos of living with her either. Having children are right up on the front burner for her now. I myself am 34 and desperate to start working on having children, I just don't know if I want to have them with her. But at this point, I'm not going to get much time to decide what I want (talk about your 'shit or get of the pot' moments). I'm considering all kinds of crazy scenarios; could we stay married, with child, but not live together? Should I divorce her now to give her as much time to find another man as possible? Should I just accept that this is the woman I committed to before God and stay married? I just don't know what to do, I have no clue and very little time to find one.
There's so much more to say, but I think I'll just stop here. I'm interested in hearing what you have to say, if you've got a minute. Thanks.
Re: caught between the scilla and charybdis, prt.2 ann7906: I've always thought that "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" is supposed to mean something. Marriage isn't about doing what's best for you, it's about doing what's best for the relationship. Your wife can't help that she's borderline or that she has LAM. And there are treatments to manage it. Perhaps you should be going to her "head shrinker" with her--with an open mind and an open heart--both to better understand her issues and to begin coping with your own.
Whether you have children is another question entirely. If she's not likely to live through your potential children's childhood and you'll be a single parent, then you need to decide if you can deal with that. What would be in the best interests of the children? Of both of you? But the "for better or for worse" clause still applies. People shouldn't end marriages because things happen and they can't (physically or circumstantially) have everything they ever hoped for.
My husband also deceived me throughout our entire courtship and has been lying throughout our marriage. He's got antisocial personality disorder--no cure or treatments. Ironically, even though I'm the 'normal' one, he's the one who wants to leave me, which caused me to have a miscarriage (7 weeks pregnant--too much stress on my body). He's the most selfish bastard living on the planet, quite frankly. He doesn't care about anything or anyone but his own fleeting happiness.
Odysseus, by the way, never backed down from a challenge, nor did he lose sight of his goal: returning home to Penelope. The man fought for 20 years; it was his determination and persistance that made him heroic.
Re: caught between the scilla and charybdis crushedman: Your situation is very difficult and very heartwrenching. Personality disorders are hell, pure and simple. It must be a constant struggle for you- to what degree should she be held accountable for her actions, based on BPD? But accountability be damned, it's almost impossible to live with someone with BPD and the majority of people that married into a BPD situation end up exactly in your shoes, comtemplating the very thing that you are contemplating.
I'm going to give you my advice, take from it what you like- or leave it.
This is a problem too complex and difficult for human hands to solve. Since you and your wife's efforts have thus far fell short, pray. If your wife is willing, ask her to pray. And pray together. There is a study out there that says that couples that pray together divorce less than 1% of the time.
cm
Re: caught between the scilla and charybdis tryingtosmile: ell, first of all, and this is completely off topic, I want to compliment you on your post as it was very succinctly and elegantly written. Although long, you do not mince words!
Now to the problem at hand. Usually, I would tend to agree that most marriages can be fixed if both partners are willing and ready to work on the issues that they are having. Obviously, there are exceptions to this. In your case, the bottom line is that you seem miserable in your marriage. Your post indicates that you have tried to work on the marriage through counseling, but to no avail. I don't see how it is possible to have a successful marriage if you are so unhappy that all you can see is the escape route.
My husband left me 5 weeks ago because he felt that he needed to "find himself". He said that he was miserable (not with me, but with himself) and that he wanted to figure out what to do with his life.
He chose a very cowardly way to leave, and basically abandoned me in France for a year. That was very upsetting to me. If he had taken the time to talk with me and explain his feelings, it would've been much easier to handle (no less painful, but easier). The reason I am telling you this is because if I had known that my husband was so unhappy, and that he had really tried to make things work but couldn't, I would've given him my blessing to leave. Who wants to stay in a marriage with a partner who is miserable? I want a husband who stays with me because he WANTS to be with me. Someone who commits to the marriage wholeheartedly and who is happy to do so. I think it would be hell to be married to someone who didn't really want to be with you and who always had "one foot out the door".
My point is that you should not stay in a marriage where you are miserable. It isn't fair to you or your wife. You bring up some very valid reasons for wanting to leave and I can understand your turmoil. If you have tried counseling, your wife is aware of your feelings, and you feel that nothing has changed, then this separation is probably a healthy idea.
As for your wife's diagnosis.: that is really heartbreaking! I'm sure it will be very difficult for both of you to deal with. However, I don't think you should mix her illness and wanting to have children in the same bag as your marriage. They are separate issues. You shouldn't stay with her just because she is ill and you definitely shouldn't have children because of your age. As a male, you have plenty of time to have children, the time clock is more on her side. Believe me, I know..I am 32 and my husband and I had talked about starting a family next year. I am ready. Now, I am suddenly separated and probably facing divorce. I may never be able to have kids now but I am NOT rushing out to find someone new so that I can get re-married right away and start the baby process. If it's not in the cards for me, then it's not in the cards! As much as I would like to have children, I know that my personal well-being is more important. Bringing a child into this world is a HUGE responsibility and commitment, and not something to be taken lightly or rushed into because you feel like you running out of time. You have enough on your plate right now without adding children into the mix.
I guess the best advice I can give you is to listen to your gut, your inner voice. What does it say? I've found that I know all the answers to the questions that I ask if I take the time to really listen to that "voice". It will tell you all you need to know. No one can tell you exactly what to do because only you know your situation, but I do wish you the best with your decision. Whatever you decide, may your choice eventually bring you happiness and peace.
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