Was this adultery? kashoh: My wife left last year in November while I was gone on a trip, saying that I had been emotionally abusive and that she didn't love me anymore. I conceded that I hadn't been a very good husband and had done some abusive things over the years. I understood why she wanted to leave me.
Soon after she left, I went through her internet history on my computer (crazy, I know) to try to figure out what had gone on. While I was away on my trip, she had indeed been researching abuse. However, she also was communicating with one particular person overseas. I had asked her about it later, and she denied that she knew anyone in that country or that she was leaving me for someone else.
Today, she came over to have me sign some divorce papers, and I asked her flat out what had gone on back then. She admitted that the person she had been messaging while I was on my trip and before, is the same guy that she is dating and in love with right now, and whom she has flown overseas to visit. So my question is, was this adultery of some sort? She had already fallen out of love with me and apparently was already considering leaving me while she was developing this new relationship. Might she have stayed and worked on our marriage if she didn't have this special friend? May this also be part of the reason that she left? She used abuse as the reason, and it's a very valid one, but she herself admitted that I had improved, wasn't abusive anymore, but that the damage had already been done. What do you guys think? I'm not even sure why I care, so long after the fact. And just asking her made me feel like a total bunghole, like I'm stalking her or something, and if I could summarize her reaction to my questions, it would be "why the heck do you need to know this stuff, you psycho?" (she didn't say that, but that's the impression I got). Ugh.
Re: Was this adultery? pisces_goddess: Man Eric.. this is a tough one... First of all kudos to you for admitting the fact that you were abusive...that is a big step towards recovery.
As for the adultery thing.. I suppose that would depend on your definition.. If she fell in love with someone while still married to you.. the that is an emotional affair.. & I will tell you that is just as painful as a blown out physical affair.
I think at this point any answers you get out of her are possibly going to cause you more pain.. Was there a chance for you 2 if she had not done this with the other guy? I dont know.. But if irrepairable damage was done bf she ever started this thing.. then Im thinking she was just looking for a way out. Not the wisest way to do it.. but she did it.
I have learned that alot of times women (myself included) leave the relationship emotionally long before the husband gets a clue. I know how horrible that sounds...but in some cases it is true.
I dont know buddy.. just my 2 cents here.. Good luck.
Re: Was this adultery? Jernigan: Eric,
I could very well be wrong, but I cannot help but think that her acquaintance with this overseas friend was the chief motivation behind leaving the marriage. If the stories shared on this board serve as any indication, so often finding a "replacement" provides that needed shove that allows a person to leave a marriage. It seems to me that had she not had some sort of support, and some other prospect on the horizon, she would not have had been so rash in her decision to leave. Sure, you were abusive, but as we both agreed before, abuse takes many subtle forms, and at times one might not be aware that he or she is abusive. It seems as though you realized only when she informed you. And instead of denying it, you agreed and were willing to work on your issues. I think it's unfair that you weren't given that opportunity. After all, that is a vital part of what marriage is all about.
All of this begs the question, "What consitutes adultery?" If your abuse took a subtle form, perhaps her adultery took an equally subtle form. Obviously, she had some kind of emotional investment in this person. To believe that she happened to end up with him after the separation by sheer coincidence requires too far a stretch of the imagination.
Just my opinions. Take care, pal.
Re: Was this adultery? JASPER: I'M WITH PISCES ON THIS ONE YOU MAY NOT OF KNOWN BUT THE MARRIAGE COULD HAVE BEEN OVER A LONG TIME AGO FOR HER .AND THIS OTHER GUY MIGHT HAVE PROVIDED HER WITH THE STREGHTH AND COINFIDENCE SHE NEEDED TO THAT.WHAT IS ADULTERY YOU ASKED I THINK IT'S ANYTHING YOUR DOING OUTSIDE YOUR MARRIAGE THAT YOU CAN'T OR WON'T TELL THE OTHER SPOUSE ABOUT.
Re: Was this adultery? DaisyGarden: My husband did the same thing as your wife and I consider it adultery. He asked for a divorce the same time he started seeing a married woman. I think he might have been waiting until he knew for sure that they would hook up, but when they did he wanted out. Of course he wouldn't admit anything to me. I found out after their relationship had ended ( she went back to her husband after 4 months). I believe we could have worked out our issues had he given it a chance. All of sudden he had opened up but there was nothing I could do, he kept saying 'it's to late'. ::) He told me he was infatuated with this ow. And, I know that our marriage, our 2 year old daughter, our family, was the last thing on his mind.
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