My Story kindred: Hello All. I'm new here, and I'm so glad I found this board. I'd like to share my story with you all. I was with my current ex for 2 years (we were not legally married but we did refer to each other as husband and wife. I apologize in advance if that offends anyone, but those are the terms I will use throughout my story despite the legality and/or religious connotations some may associate with those terms). Back in July of this year, he started saying that he wasn't happy with himself. That he needed to "find himself". I tried to be supportive, tried to find out what it was that he needed to do. He kept telling me that he didn't know what he needed to do but that he couldn't make me happy if he wasn't happy and that he needed to be alone to get himself right. Just a bunch of excuses I now know. He decided to start sleeping on the couch. I tired to get him to talk to me about what he was feeling but he didn't. I would lay in the bed and cry over what was going on, and he would tell me that my crying was interrupting his sleep. He was extremely inconsiderate of what I was going through. He adamantly denied that another woman had anything to do with what he was feeling. He told me that he just needed a break from real life. That he didn't want any responsiblities, obligations, or any expectations of him. Throughout my relationship, I had basically been a stay at home wife. This was for many reasons, including illness and social anxiety. He had never appeared to have a problem with that in the past. But now he seemed to be overwhelmed by being the sole provider. When I told him I would start working again he said that that wouldn't necessarily change what he was feeling, that he still needed to "find himself" regardless of whether we had more money coming in or not. So this goes on for 4 months. All the while he's telling me that he would like to try to reconcile after he gets himself together (whatever that means). At the end of November I decide I can't deal with the torture of living in the same house with him anymore, so I moved out of state to stay with a friend for a while. I moved 9 hours away, and I was miserable. I was beyond depressed. So after being gone for only 2 days, I contacted him and asked if I could come back home and he said that wasn't a good idea because he still needed to get himself right and he wasn't sure how long he was going to be living there himself (he was supposed to be moving - another lie).
My Story - Part 2 kindred: As the universe would have it, my friend that I was staying with and I had a huge disagreement about something and it made me feel very uncomfortable about staying at their house. This was only 5 days after I had moved. So I called my ex to tell him that I needed to stay at his house for a few days. Not that I wanted to reconcile, I just needed a place to stay while I thought some things through. He did not return my calls. It was a 9 hour drive and I continued to call throughout the whole trip, but I heard nothing back. Now, he works overnight so I figured I would just go to the apartment and wait in my car until he got home. But when I pulled up to the place that had been my home only FIVE days before, I saw that there was a car in my spot. The car had a parking tag in the window for the company that my husband works for. I knocked on the door, and a woman asks who is it. I said this is "my name", who are you. She said I'm "her name" and she said she was my husband's (used his name) girlfriend. And my heart stopped. Only 5 days after I had moved out he already had this woman in my house. And more than likely she was there the same day I left, it just took me 5 days to find out. So I went to his job to talk to him. And when he saw me he treated me like I was a completely stranger. Told me that I had no right to come to his f'ing house or his f'ing job. That he never cheated on me. That nothing happened until after I moved out. It was just a terrible experience. He yelled and cussed at me as if I had never meant anything to him. I ended up going to the apartment and waiting for him to get home so I could finish the conversation because I needed some answers. He continued to yell and cuss, told me that I wasn't coming in his f'ing house. He told me that this girl wasn't a burden on his shoulder like I was. That she has no expectations of him. And when he unlocked the door I saw that person standing in my house. And he sided with her over me. This girl asked him if she should call the police and he said yes. He let this person call the police on me simply because I wanted to talk and enter what had been my home all that time. He did not care that I had just driven 9 hours and had no place to stay. He didn't care what happened to me at all. So I got back in my car, called the friend I'd had the disagreement with, and was able to go back there. Two days after getting back to my friend's house, I was almost catatonic. I could not move, I could not speak, I hadn't eaten in days, so my friend took me to the emergency room. They wanted to put me in a psychiatric hospital, but I wasn't comfortable with that and I went to a counseling center instead. My friend called my ex to tell him how bad off I was, that I went to the hospital, that I had been suicidal, and asked my ex to just call to show that he cared about me in some way. He never called. He eventually ended sending me an email with a half-ass apology for his reaction. But still blaming me because he said I had no right to come to his house like that. He never once apologized for having the woman there. He told me that she is a co-worker and they started talking as friends and then he started talking to her about his feelings (which I had been asking him to do with me all this time but he never did). He confided in this person about our home life, and I told him that even if he never touched her while I was still living there (which I don't believe anyway), it was still infidelity because he was having a personal, emotional bond with that person. He refuses to admit he has done anything wrong. He has no remorse. And he continues to have this person in what used to be our home. He hasn't even taken one day to be by himself and mourn the loss of our relationship. But he does seem very happy with her. And she looked at him that night like he was her knight in shining armor when he refused to let me in the house and sided with her over me, so I guess she's happy with him too. It's so hard knowing that I'm sitting here miserable, in more pain than I've ever felt in my life, while he's off living happily when he's the one that did wrong. Every day I feel like my heart is being ripped out all over again. The pain is excruciating and seems never ending. Thank you all for listening.
Re: My Story - Part 2 sosad05: First, welcome to this website. This is an amazing place where there are lots of supportive people to help you through it.
I know the pain is horrible. But at this point, you have to take it a day at a time. Sometimes and hour at a time. Are you seeing a therapist? That would help. Somehow, you have to start to focus on you and not worry about him. Trust me I know thats hard.
Most people on here suggest a "No Contact" rule which helps too. No matter how bad you miss him...dont call. Dont email. Nothing. You'll just feel even more rejected. What he did to you was very cruel. I doubt that they didnt have an affair. You deserve better.
Keep posting. Find a therapist. Surround yourself with people who love/care about you. Know that your not alone. ((((HUGS))))
Re: My Story - Part 2 chaotic: His actions and behaviour suggest that he had the affair all along.
Most importantly though, is start surrounding yourself with friends and family. Keep seeing the counselor.
Also, you have rights. If your name is on the lease or deed, you have the right to enter your own home.
If you have been living together this long, and sharing things like bank accounts, loans, etc, you may have rights under the common law marriage. You might talk to a lawyer about that.
Re: My Story - Part 2 kindred: Thanks sosad and chaotic. Unfortunately, I made the stupid mistake of not putting my name on the lease. And he made a point of yelling at me that night that his name was on the f'ing lease. I moved into the place he already had, and we were actually not supposed to be staying there long so I didn't put my name on the lease in the beginning and just never really thought about it again. My name is on his bank account though, I hadn't thought about that one. But at this point it doesn't matter much. This other person has already made herself at home. I will not be going back there and he told the police that he does not want me to contact him in any way, phone or otherwise, so the no contact rule has been pretty much forced upon me. I can't for the life of me understand how the two people having the affair go on to lead happy lives as if they're not hurting anyone. It's amazing to me.
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