Ok here we go Azhure: I am gonna try to do this and pray I make it through- if it is confusing or rambling I am sorry, just bear with me because part of me cant believe I am doing this and I am scared to death.....
I realized early that things in my house were different than my friend's. You didnt talk about what went on in my home- you didnt wake up daddy- you didnt mention the yelling, drinking, the beatings....you kept quiet when people asked if everything was ok. In New York it was at least bearable, he worked, he came home and only very rarely did we have to go out at 2 am to get him out of the car cause he passed out on the steering wheel, rarely did my mom sport a black eye....it got worse when we moved back to Virginia after my grandpa died- my dad didnt go back to work- and my mom had a nervous breakdown after grandpa died and combined with the stress of money and provided my dad with booze- she did something really stupid with a check and ended up in jail for a little while- not long, mostly in a mental facility- but it left a teenage me with my father who got progressively worse as the days went by....I begged my mom to leave but she wouldnt. Through him rigging the shotgun to the door so it went off if you opened it, to being locked in the boiler room with my mom, to yelling at them so much to stop that I tore the muscle around my lung at 14 and ended up in the ER to have them discharge me and wait for my dad to pick us up cause he went to the bar- to the day at age 16 that he kicked me out of our home because I would not stop at the liquior store on the way to the ER cause my mom was having a heart attack....
There was nowhere for me to go, no family, no one except J, who was wonderful and had a great job and who I had been dating for a year, who understood that i was a virgin and wanted to wait until I was married, who was older and drove a nice car, who was stable I thought and everything my dad wasnt, no he wasnt like my dad, he was so much worse....
Re: Ok here we go Azhure: I called him, told him what happened, he picked me up with my stuff and we moved in with some friends of his for a while- I was still in high school and pulling straight A's, he drove me back and forth or let me have his car- anything as long as I was not around my friends, as long as I was isolated from everyone but him- he started to record my calls, he said it was cause he wanted to make sure that it was documented if my parents called- he left me alone for 2 days when I got caught talking to a male friend of mine. But he loved me, I know he did. Even at night, he did the things he did cause he loved me.... It started because he was too big- I know that sounds strange and it is embarrasing in its way but he was, too much so for me. So he had an idea, it would be ok, just relax, no dont scream, you love me dont you? If you did you would do this for me- the first was a bat- the small end, used to stretch me- as I cried and he got excited and I bled and he got even more excited, as I was gagged because in the end I couldnt keep quiet....and then it would be over for the night and I would have to clean everything up, he would hug and kiss me and tell me it would be worth it once I relaxed and he loved me so much and we only had each other....
Fast forward a couple of months, and I finally could accept him into my body, a body that was battered and bruised- to this day I dont know if my problems are due to what he did. We moved out of his friends house, found our own apartment- he bought me a engagement ring, asked me to be his wife. I hadn't talked to my parents since the day I left, I had no one- besides who would want me? J did, he loved me, ugly as I was, useless as I was, he took care of me, of everything. I owed it to him to be dutiful to be submissive- I didnt want to lose him- he was my world.
I graduated from high school with honors- my parents were there and begged me to come home- my father stopped drinking and was in therapy- I couldnt let them touch me- I felt dirty, small, weak, ashamed- I had bruises covering most of my skin, things had escaleted in the past year- I was now 17- regular sex didnt do it for him- I said ok he is a little kinky- no he was violently kinky- one time he broke a whip on my back and hip- literally broke it- I still have the scars, he liked to pretend he was raping me- only for me it wasnt pretend- I would have done anything though to not be thrown out- no one else would want me, how could they? I was worthless to everyone but J- so I played along. I let him use the belt around my throat until I passed out from lack of air, I let him hit me cause the blood excited him, made him happy- I knew nothing else
Re: Ok here we go Azhure: Until the day that he wanted to pass me around at a party- he wanted to watch while two of his friends raped me- I said no, we argued, I packed my stuff- I didnt know where I would go, but I couldnt do it anymore- J apologized, hugged me, told me he was an idiot, how much he loved me- he brought me a drink to calm me down- .....and oh god, and I woke up to being tied to a pool table and gagged, blindfolded while whoever he chose went at me....
I can never describe to someone who has not been through this what emotions come with this- the depths of self hate, shame, hopelessness, anger, worthlessness, these things I carry with me always- it is the reason no one knows what happened, why my husband doesnt know everything- he would be disgusted, he would hate me just like I hate myself for this happening, for allowing this.
I found out I was pregnant. He wanted an abortion, I didn't. It didnt matter to me what happened, it was a child and part of me- I would raise it and give it the love I never had- I wanted to leave but didnt know where to go- I was only 17 and had no family at least in my mind....that night I came home from work ( colllege in day, work at night) and he beat me so much, so hard, I lost the baby- right there in my bed- my first miscarriage anmd the only one intentionally inflicted by another person. I tried to kill myself and almost succeeded but he came home and saw the blood and the bottle of pills and took me to the hospital.
After that he left me alone- totally. I was trying to get a car and find a place to live- we didnt speak. He would bring women home and fuck them in our bedroom and then come out with a smirk and ask me if I wanted to join- still I could tell no one.
The night I met my husband was my saving grace- and my final beating- my one act of defiance to J- I went out with B and came home very late, and J was waiting- I told him I was leaving, going home even if they didnt want me there- I would find a place for myself- J became enraged and beat me so badly that he cracked my jaw- I ran.
I ran out of our apartment- across the highway to the grocery store- and called B- he came and picked me up and brought me to his house- helped me wash up, took care of me, put me to bed, washed my clothes, slept beside me and kept the demons at bay
The next day I moved my stuff out and went home- but within a month I was with B- i never told him everything, I cannot to this day- I tried to forget, to remake myself, to forgive , to pretend, I reclaimed my body believe it or not but cannot rid myself even now of nightmares and fear- memories of blood and tears and his laughter in my ears....i have seen him a couple of times over the years and he always brings me back to the dark place in my soul
B was my saviour and my love- and I believe I would have died if not for him- but now he says I deserved it- and I wonder did I? If J could do it and after 11 years of marriage, B says I deserved it, maybe it is me- maybe I am so horrible to be around that I deserve what I got
There are parts I am sure I cannot remember now, thank god- these are the things that stand out in my mind- I dont even know if this extremely long post makes any sense to anyone but I truly thank you for listening to me tell it- I hope that getting it out will make it go away- because I do not want to carry this around anymore......
Re: Ok here we go Feel: You my friend have nothing to be ashamed of...
In life we are not perfect, you will never foget anything that happens to you, just need to learn to deal with them and never repeat the cycle...
A, from the time spent talking to you, I already imagined what I read, it was kind of a shock to actully read from your mouth now...
I was sick reading it and I am very disgusted that this man wasn't put to jail, the first time you went to the hospital and how no one asked question at the hospital... this story kinda reminds of the movie with Jody Foster, only now it's close to home!
I am sorry truly for all your loses and all your hurt and I just hope now that you have let it out this can start your true healing process and with all of us reading we can make ourselves a part of it...
You are better to talk about it then keep it in...
Re: Ok here we go tirisfal: Please don't be ashamed, you did not deserve this. I know it is hard to believe, hard to do, however, this was not you!
J, a disgusting human being, manipulated, abused, violated, you, your trust, your mind and emotions in the absolute worst possible ways. You were so young, and from a traumatic upbringing. You were very moldable, as young minds are. Young hearts are unwise and seek out what they know as safe. Consciously or not, good for them or not, that is what they do. I know, because I did the same thing. I went from one bad situation to another, following my heart, needing to feel safe and then afraid to leave. It is easy to convince yourself that these things are normal when they are all you know. Fear is a very, very strong and real emotion and can be completely debilitating.
As for what B is saying, he knows you, he knows your wounds, he knows how to hurt you, what will dig the deepest. My ex did the same. My ex did it to make himself feel better. Like I was more disgusting then him, less of a human, whatever. I know now from months of therapy that it is the other way around.
Know that I am here if you need to talk. We are here if you need us. You are so much stronger then you think. You lived through all of this, you are taking the first steps to really owning it and that is so difficult. If you were weak, you wouldnt be here, telling us your story.
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