Re: Ok here we go Cherry: Ive tried at least a hundred times to post a response.............
Im emotional, Im overwhelmed, Im in awe of the woman I see. My heart grieves for a fellow "child of the dark". There is almost nothing I could say to chase away the shadows that follow you from being brought up like that. I know the thoughts chase around in your head; they still catch me unaware at times. And then to have given your life to someone who used, abuse and tomented you....oh honey. :'( My heart mourns the innocence lost. The woman still unsure and so broken yet seeking and scarred she stands trembling, not knowing which way to go.
The strength you show, that exudes right off the screen when I read this story is loud and clear. And unfortunately clear to those like B who know just where our vulnerabilities lie and have no problem using them. Not a single lick of this was your fault. The would have could haves fade in the distance once you can grasp a hold of the fact that you have made it thru, you are free hun. This is your life. What was stolen from you, you cannot get back, but it does not have to take the rest of it. Stand fast with friends at your side, know that we are here to help you make it thru to your firm foundation. One of strength and power that is lit from the core inside you.
What you have been thru would have broken anyone!! This sentence: [quote"> I hope that getting it out will make it go away- because I do not want to carry this around anymore......[/quote"> babe.......this one tells us you will whip it no problem. This is your choice, your line in the sand. You have armed yourself and are ready to fight.
I am so proud of you for posting this. It took a damn lot of guts. I wish I could give you a giant hug!!!!
As Crystal pointed out, the past does not define you. It shapes you. However what you do with that is up to you. Use it hun. Your Karma will come.
If I can ever help you, please, pm me. FB is dead on too!!! You are far from weak!!
Re: Ok here we go Azhure: Wow- reading your responses have me sitting here bawling like a baby- it is still shocking to me in a way that there are people out there that not only have had such similar experiences, but that you are all so supporting and caring and understanding- it is something I have rarely had and dont expect so it is truly a most amazing and precious gift that you all give me.
I slept without nightmares last night- the first time in a very long time
Progress!
I dont know really if I will ever be able to find the person buried beneath all of this again- it started so early for me that I feel I never got to become the person I was meant to- I never got to explore who I wanted to be- therefore, now, as I try to raise my daughter to be her own person, it is hard for me because I really dont know who I am.
I mean I have my job title, and I am that person, I am a mother, a daughter, and a wife (at least for now). But that doesnt say who I am- does that make sense?
Re: Ok here we go betrayedandabandoned: I am SO SO proud of you. You are a courageous goddess that will find your way, I have no doubts at all.
Look at it this way ...............your person is like a onion, many layers upon layers of pain, history, forgotten memories. As you explore each layer and peel them away , discarding them forever, you become closer to your true self. I will not lie to you. Yes it is a long long process and one that takes courage that most of us do not comprehend. You can do it. You have already proven what you are made of. Amazing woman. I applaud you.
Re: Ok here we go Azhure: I dont even know what to say or how to tell you all how much your words mean to me....
Re: Ok here we go JimB: Thank you for sharing, although I know it feels like you should be thanking us for reading. It was a brutal, gut-wrenching read, and I'm glad to hear the process of sharing it has helped you already.
One thing you didn't mention was whether you've sought any professional help for yourself, so I assume you haven't. You do mention wanting to free yourself from the burden of carrying all this stuff around with you. IMO, therapy is a great way to do that. Think of it as paying someone to carry your baggage. :)
In a way, perhaps your entire life has been leading you to this point. You believed completely in J, then you believed completely in B, and now you are starting to believe in yourself. You most certainly haven't deserved the treatment you've received - no one deserves that. But if you can take that harsh experience and use it as fodder for your transformation into the person you want to be, well, perhaps that will make it all worth it. And you can do it, and I know most everyone here is willing to help any way we can.
