How did this happen? Phoenix5822: I just don't know where I went wrong....
He and I had been together since I was ALMOST 14 years old. We saw each other through so much. We broke up for a year when he decided that he needed a wilder life (read drugs) than I was willing to put up with. When he decided he was ready to give that up, we got back together when I was 16. We were the couple everyone awed over. We were a package, a team, lovers, best friends. He was the proverbial bad boy and I was the girl everyone loved to take home. While we were at different ends of the spectrum, our differences seemed to work well.
Everyone warned me that when I started college me feelings would change. That I would meet new people and possibly regret being married too young, so when he asked me to marry him my response was "absolutely...one day". I loved him, and I knew I did, but I didn't want to be another statistic. We waited until I was established in college and "ready". The day we got married he went around telling everyone that no matter what went wrong as long as he was married to me at the end of the day that was all that mattered, that he would be happy.
We went through some major changes....when we got married I made double what he did. He decided that since I was in college at night, he would go to night school and finish high school that way. He did, and I was so proud. Over time, he became a master mechanic and doubled my income. We were both happy...or so I thought.... :-\ We waited until we had been married 3 years to have a baby.
Of course, with a baby, comes change. There were bad times, but they certainly didn't outweigh the good. I really felt like we had a terrific family. He started going out more and more, pulling away. I figured it was just another "downslope" in our relationship (keep in mind from good-separation=about six months), and tried to give him some space to work through it. For the sake of space, I'll just say it just got worse. I tried to talk to him on several occasions, but that seemed to push him even further. One night he went out and didn't come home then wanted to "talk" the next day. He told me that he wanted to separate and to be able to do "whatever feels right" in respect to other people. I asked him to clarify and he said that he had already kissed and "almost" had sex with someone else. After a few choice, albeit not so lady-like, words, I told him there was no way I was going to condone adultery. If he felt that he couldn't (as he used to put it) "keep it in his pants", we needed to divorce. I could not go on feeling married while he felt free to have sex with anyone that "felt right".
Even then, I was in complete denial that he had cheated one me. I truely (naively) believed him. I found out bits and pieces from friends and asked him to be honest. That's when I found out he had moved in with her immediately after he left my house. He still tries to convince me that nothing happened before he left (and so does his new girlfriend). So I guess by their logic (even though I still don't believe it) since he abandoned his family FIRST it is ok that he is committing adultery?
I just don't know what happened. How did we go from being the couple everyone envied to divorcing (to be final next month) in the matter of a few months? To make it even better, he now tells me now that he hasn't been in love with me for like 4 years. Ummm.....could you have mentioned this before so we could work on it? And why is it that I am the one hurting so much when he is the one that did this? Why is it fair that he gets to go out and do whatever he wants, and be a parent of convenience, and I get to stay at home with OUR daughter everynight? I get to deal with it when she tells me she hates me, or she wants to live with him and his new girlfriend, or her crying and saying how much she misses him :'(. (I know she doesn't understand, and I DO NOT regret having her. She is my world, but she is also a constant reminder of what I thought I had.) I feel like my whole life has been a lie and I don't know when I got so out of touch with reality.
???
Re: How did this happen? tryingtosmile: Your story is so sad and so familiar :-\ I'm sorry that you are going through this and I know what it's like to ask the question "why??" over and over again until it almost loses its meaning.
I thought that my husband and I were the perfect couple too. We didn't just appear to be great from the outside looking in, I honestly thought we were great from the inside looking out too. So I understand your questions all too well. It was a complete shock to me when my husband decided to separate (and I mean totally separate, not a trial separation). I still don't understand and am trying to accept the fact that I never will. Your husband may never have the answers to give you, as much as that hurts right now. I do know this though. For whatever reason(s), our husbands didn't have the maturity or responsibility needed to make a marriage work and they weren't willing to communicate their feelings and needs. This seems to be a common thread among those that leave.
Maybe your husband felt that he never had the chance to be with anyone else since you were together from such a young age. I am not excusing his behavior in any way, but offering you a possible reason. I think a lot of times when couples get together in their teen years, they both do a lot of growing and sometimes grow apart or in different directions. Sometimes one selfishly decides to go "see what's out there" and if the grass is really greener (it's usually NOT). There are a lot of couples who do make it work though. It takes open communication and the desire to commit and see things through...on both parts. What's sad is that your husband didn't figure any of this out before you were married and had a child. I wish I had some better answers to give you...I know how tough this is! I am trying to move forward with my life and make myself happy. That's the best I can do for now. Maybe in time we will both have the answers as to "why and how?", but until then, take care of yourself and make your life the best that it can be for YOU. In the future, if and when you do get those answers..they may not even matter to you anymore; that's when you will know that you have healed. (((HUGS)))
Re: How did this happen? abandoned1: Gosh, Phoenix5822, I'm sorry about what you've been going through. If you stay on this board long enough you will see how similar your story is to so many others - not that it is much comfort - but does help in that other Ojarians have been where you are, and are further along the road of healing, and can give insight as to what they did to help heal themselves.
Phoenix5822, I am proud of you for respecting yourself for not letting him do "what felt right" with someone else. It is simply ridiculous of him to think that you might accept his inappropriate behaviour. I know it was tough to do - but your decision was right. He (like my wife) was gonna do whatever he wanted to do. If you hadn't laid down the law he would have continued to deceive and take advantage of you. I did the same thing with my wife. I will not condone adultery EVER. Anyway...
...My answer to your question is that it is NOT fair (and never will be) what he did to you and your daughter. The betrayal was blatant (how the f*ck do you move in with the other person right after abandoning your family??? - my wife did the same thing, although we have no children), and now the trust you had in him is severely damaged I would think.
Use your anger and hurt to distance yourself from him and your pain. You need to now plan for your future, and not wallow in the mess he created. I'm concerned about the damage to your relationship with your daughter too. Somehow you need to strengthen your bond with her. Now I don't know your financial or family situation - but you don't necessarily have to spend your nights with you daughter trapped in the house. Get out and do things. Maybe a story time at the local bookstore. Take classes together doing painting or pottery decorating - something, anything. Just spend some quality time in different environments to keep things fresh, and interesting for both of you, and before you know it both of you will stop missing him, and start craving more of your time together. Also, have family and friends get in on the fun too.
I hope some of the things I've said help.
Best of luck to you! And keep posting if you need too.
Re: How did this happen? Phoenix5822: My daughter and I stayed so busy during the holidays that I am actually looking forward to some at home time. I have an AWESOME and supportive family so they made sure I had something to do almost every minute...lol. Pretty bad when you have to buy Santa store bought cookies cause you didn't have time to bake. ;)
My daughter and I are doing well with our relationship. She is only 4 and sometimes (actually all the time) doesn't really understand the impact of words. She just knows which ones get her what she wants... She told me that she wanted to live with her Daddy and OW "for 100 days". When I asked why she just said she misses him. I know that she doesn't try to hurt me, but of course it still does....
I will say the crap he pulled over Xmas got me past the "gosh I want him back so it can all go back to the way it was" stage. Don't know whether that is good or bad. I guess good. I can handle anger. Anger is an emotion I am familiar with and welcome it like an old friend, especially when the only alternative is the disabling depression.
Re: How did this happen? monkeydude3: I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Though there was no child or marriage involved with what happened to me, my ex g/f did the same thing to me. We got together fairly young (16/14) and finally parted ways at 19/17. So I guess we still have a lot of living to do, but I know more about the world than her and I was happy with her, content not looking around and happy making a relationship, and in the future a family with her.
She always insulted me for being so emotional, told me to shut up when I told her how I felt. Everyone else said I'm a one in a million guy for caring this much, one in the million for sharing my feelings, one in a million for having such a huge heart. I guess my ex just doesn't know that yet, that most guys are horndogs!! I was not, and still am not. In our entire separation, she has probably slept with a handful of guys (one or two she told me of but that being said there are clearly more) and I haven't even kissed someone else. Haven't even gone on a real date yet.
I hope things look up but being that you have a supportive family that makes things much better for you.
God bless
George
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