Pushing away tirisfal: I'm seeing this guy and I was hanging out with him tonight helping him finish some stuff that he had been putting off. We were laughing and joking and just being silly and he said to me, "you know, you really rock! you are so kind and supportive. Just such a gentle and wonderful human being." Um, ok. A compliment. Right? A good thing, right?
I got really quiet and teary eyed and said thank you. I was quiet the rest of the time I was there. I left early and came home and cried. I don't know what to do with it.
I know, I know, it sounds stupid. Just something someone said. But, the thing is, I am so used to bad. Being put down, shot down, held down....hell I don't think my ex said anything like that to me in 11 years. And where do I find myself after all this? Missing him. My ex.
Is it that I am just so used to the bad that the change is scarey so I am longing for what I am used to? Do I fear happiness that much? I don't know if I am making any sense at all. I feel like I'm rambling. But this is huge even though it is so small. Am I sabotaging myself and if I am, how long have I been doing it?
Thanks for the read. :-\
Re: Pushing away trapped: You know whats funny about compliments.....especially if youre feeling down about yourself. Theyre hard to take!
I think its time for some mental exercises/affirmations that you tell to yourself that, yes, YOU are all those things he said.....you just need to start believing it yourself. Then when someone tells you~~ because I will bet that someone will tell you how great you are again~~you can accept the compliment and believe it in your heart and not feel down.
And hey guess what.....YOU ARE SUCH A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING!!!! Im sorry your ex never told you that. His loss FB, his loss.
Big hugs to you.
:)
Re: Pushing away yella: FB..
I was a lot like you before I found out who I really am. It was so hard for me to take a compliment because most times it felt fake. Most people would say the same things over and over again, so I'd just roll my eyes and think "Whateva". It didn't hold much weight with me.
BUT, over time, I got to know myself, made some great strides that I am very proud of, went into therapy, work my ass off, and have met one of the best friends I'll ever know in my lifetime.
I'm not saying that a specific person can make or break the way you take compliments, but I'm saying that once you get to know yourself better, you'll be able to tell the difference between a generic compliment, and one that's meaningful. Am I making sense?
His compliments seem true to me, so I'd take them, smile, thank him, and offer up one of your own. He's not lying. ;)
It takes time to be able to accept compliments, and it's hard. But one day.. you'll be able to.
Re: Pushing away big_daddy: I think its normal, particularly when you've been a relationship without compliments, to have a difficult time taking them. After enough time passes in that state, you start to question the sincerity of those around you when they do compliment you, when they do take notice of your great qualities.
I've been on that boat for a long time now, so hearing anything "good" about myself has been foreign. But as things have evolved I've received some...and not really known how to respond. So the advice I was given was to just say "Thanks. :)", which I'm trying to do....and then I go soak it in for a while. Because if you can allow yourself to accept that there are people who will give those compliments genuinely, it feels pretty darn tootin good.
As for making you think of the ex...its understandable but try not to dwell on it. It is just a piece of someone else that you wish that he had, but doesn't.
Re: Pushing away tirisfal: Thank you all for responding! It's so strange. I knew I would have many issues walking out of my marriage. This wasn't one I anticipated.
I talked to him today and tried to explain what was wrong. I don't know if it worked though. I also talked to my mom and told her it made me cry and she said, 'well your ex never did that so I'm not surprised.' Which helped. It confirmed where some of the emotions are coming from I guess. I internalize things too much way too often and I think I have my guard up in both directions. You guys are so right, compliments are not easy to take. More difficut the insults it seems sometimes.
I am trying not to dwell on my ex, I think it's kind of a 'didn't get what I paid for' thing. You'd expect that your spouse would compliment you once in awhile and I think it just makes me sad that he never did those things. It is his loss though. I don't want to go through life having something good happen and feeling sad because my ex never did that. At least now that I am aware of what I am doing I can work with it more.
As always I appreciate your words and support. :)
