I am on a road and I am traveling... Topaz: The separation, and soon enough, the divorce has been the major spiritual journey of my life so far. I've had to face all my biggest issues, almost all of which impacted my marriage, almost all of which stem from my childhood.
I've come to terms with things I didn't want to deal with or even think about, and I've faced them one by one. I'm still facing them. When I've realized I had to confront something or change my perceptions, when the time was right, the right path/information/thought was provided.
Right now I'm getting a grip on my financial life. While my ex caused a lot of problems for me financially, I can't blame him for all my financial problems. I'm learning how to budget, how to make a spending plan, track my spending, and most of all, I'm not being vague about money anymore. I've gotten more disciplined about my spending/saving habits, and I like it.
Sometimes I feel frustrated and impatient that I don't know what to do yet about getting back into a committed relationship again or getting my musical career back on track - it's all about putting myself out there again, isn't it? But I know I'm getting closer to accessing the right path, the right information, and the right thought. I can feel the clarity and the loss of fear approaching.
I think the relationship that I'm finally getting over is not the one with my stbx husband. No, I think I'm finally over the breakup with my college boyfriend. I've never been so completely engaged by someone in every way since I met him. It was also too dramatic and intense. I went away for my junior year of college and we naively, idealistically, ill-advisedly decided that we were going to see other people during our year apart. We just never got over the ensuing loss of trust, even though we were still crazy about eachother. We must have broken up and gotten back together 10 times.
By the time we graduated, I just wanted a break from him, from us. But I never thought the break would turn into the end of what had been first and foremost a friendship. I can remember deciding not long after I graduated, "No one is ever going to get to me like that again." And I've been carrying that thought around with me ever since. In all my subsequent relationships, I've been in control. But I'm coming to realize that the challenge I face now is not how to maintain all the control at the expense of feeling nothing, but rather to love and respect someone (and I lost that quickly for my stbx for a number of reasons) and maintain my own sense of autonomy (which is control, too, but I think in a much healthier way).
Re: I am on a road and I am traveling... tryingtosmile: Wow! Your post was very insightful and thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing! I think you have successfully outlined what we all need to work towards and that is personal growth. You are making the most out of your journey; I hope to someday be able to write the same types of revelations. :)
