Re: Dont know what to do DunnoWhatToDo: I confronted my wife during the holidays about how I have been feeling that I can't make myself trust her anymore, and that I still feel she is not being honest with me.
She said very convincingly that this was only because we have been drifting apart emotionally, and that nothing happened, and that she was really hurt that I didn't trust her anymore, and how I made her feel like a slut for not trusting her...blah blah blah.
Although I felt more connected with her after her conversation, the feelings came back rather quickly. Yesterday afternoon, I cracked her mail account and found something that broke my heart. There was an email that she sent 6 months ago to her ex-boyfriend (of 8 years ago, he lives in California, we live in Quebec, Canada. he is also married for 3 years) about how she really wanted to spend 1 last night with him, that she never stopped thinking about him (and how they could meet half way and find an 'work' related excuse to leave the country. She even had proposal for dates and everything.
There was a reply from him saying he was interested but that the dates were no good... then another reply 1 month later from the guy as to why she's not replying. then another one from her about how she can't be calling every week.
I know for a fact she didn't leave the country, but he could have come here to Montreal, and I know that some of the emails were deleted, so I don't know the whole story.
BOY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
I confronted her about the emails last night,
she said that the email was an impulse/fantasy and that she never followed through, and had stopped replying to his emails. She said that HE had sent her an email 3 years ago just before HIS wedding and had asked her for the same thing but that she hadn't replied then, and that 6 months ago, for only one night, for apparently no reason, she had started fanti-sizing about doing it and had sent him the email.
She doesn't seem to understand why I still consider it cheating. If she had just fanti-sized about, why send the email. The email itself was just toooo fuging much, the plan, when, where... the apparently, 'i never stopped thinking about you' WTF! We've been together 8 years now. We've had 2 children, she 'apparently' has'nt seen this guy in 9 years but she never stopped thinking about HIM. What makes it worst, is that this guy was physically abusive to her when she lived with him in the USA.
She seemed authentically sorry about the email and hurting me, but she kept it pretty well hidden all these past 3 years (from the 1st email he sent her)
I want this to work between me and her, but I can't trust any words coming out of her mouth, what ever she says, all I hear is "i have never stopped thinking of you, lets have one last night together just the two of us."
I told she must not think very highly of me, to feel this way about another man, and stay with me anyways, and tell me she loves me, lie to my face when I tell her I know something is wrong, and that I just want her to tell me what it is, but she looks me right in the eye and says, no nothing is going on, it's all in your head.
WILL THE HURT IN MY STOMACH EVER LEAVE... WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO LOOK AT HER AND NOT FEEL BETRAYED AND LIED TO.... I've read a lot of the other post, and everyone says ya, it can get better... blah blah blah. But I can't see myself ever trusting her again.
And I can't stop thinking of my kids. What if we separate and she ends up going to him or another man like him, an abusive man, with my children in the house across the fukin continent.
PLEASE HELP, I NEED HELP TODAY.
:(
Re: Dont know what to do chaotic: While I do agree that investigating it can lead to more hurt. There are some things that your cant afford not to know. If she is sleeping with someone else, you need to know so you can be safe. I say investigate...If you find evidence of an affair, then you can leave it at that or dig deeper.
Though, those are kind of old condoms if you ask me.....
Re: Dont know what to do litebrite: Once you start snooping around and she finds out, she will lose trust in YOU. That's the way it works. We're all so insecure about our relationships, I'm sure others can relate to wanting to dig through your husband or wife's things to check things out. The only way to have a productive conversation about it and be real is to fact it head on. Do it with a therapist. I did. I can't say it helped a ton but it was a forum where each person felt they had to be completely honest with each other and themselves. And you can ask questions to each other in a "safe" environment. If you can't afford therapy, perhaps a minister or priest would be willing to help you. Good luck. Keep the trust alive, because once it is lost it is so hard to get it back.
Re: Dont know what to do DunnoWhatToDo: I've gone through all her emails, and phone bills. The phone bills are pretty clean. Ans the emails are all very recent... she is a thorough cleaner it seems.
Except she missed a few, see my last post.
I can't investigate any further. She's either lying to me, trying to cover up something that happened into making it look like it only ALMOST happened, or it really did 'ALMOST happen'.
If it happened and she is still hiding after the email I found, she is really SICK IN THE HEAD.
Maybe she is sick in the head to still be thinking about a guy who beat her and she has'nt seen in 9 years (supposedly).
Re: Dont know what to do 2be: Well, your trust is broken. So now you have a decision to make and it is a serious one since you have two kids with this woman.
1- Forgive her... whether or not she truly did the act or if it was a passing fantasy... if you want to move past it and be with her, forgive her. Communicate with her how you feel... that it will take a while to regain trust. But at some point she can only do so much and it will be up to you to let go of that mistrust and hurt.
2 - Leave her. If you TRULY do not think you can ever trust her again, then leave. But don't take it lightly.
ALL relationships go through rocky periods and times like this love isn't just there automatically... it is a CHOICE. So if you love her, love what you have, love your kids, then buck up, communicate honestly with her, and stick it out.
I think one big issue which you touched on, was that SHE felt distanced from you. While it NEVER is an excuse to cheat, there obviously is something between you two that is an issue. Instead of throwing ALL the blame onto her, look to see what YOU can do to better your relationship together.
Best of luck...
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