Some thoughts Lance: Last week I posted a few little revelations and then read them after doing so. Then I changed the name of the post to Never mind and erased the message itself. The reason why is that one of the revelations I had was that I felt like it was very hard for me to find something to live for.
To me it came across as the wrong thing to say., to myself and to anyone who would have read it. That is why I deleted the post. While I still managed to get some responses out of it (some very clever ones I might add), Brokensaint's made me realize that I should face those feelings, and share them. While I do have some very tough days still, I have realized that I am strong enough to keep pushing myself on. There are still many times in the day when it's very hard for me to feel anything. But to help myself I have taken it upon myself to spoil my little niece for Christmas. I am not sitting here saying that everything is peaches and cream, what I AM saying is that lately for the first time this year I am able to see the possibility that I will be happy again, whether it is with someone else or not. I thought I would be a complete scrooge this holiday season, but it is not entirely so. I am happy for my friends, I am happy to have their support.I am happy that at the moment I have a good job, my own home, a running car, and a will to go out and work for those things everyday. I imagine it will be a very long time before I let someone into my heart. Like my sig reminds me this is a time for me to learn from the past, not dwell on it. Yes my ex and I had some very good times together, which makes it so tough to think I let her good love go to the arms of a degenerate. But I know everyday I wake up is a chance to learn one more lesson, to strengthen the bonds I share, and to shed the past and maybe even laugh without faking it. I am also happy that the people here have 1:Read through some of my posts and given me some positive and constructive feedback, and 2: posted their own feelings and given me the oppurtunity to see that I am not completely alone. I have a good friend whose marriage has fallen apart and I have taken it upon myself to be there for him, just so he knows he is not alone as well. I have realized this helps me as well as him. It is a good feeling to give.
So there I got some things off my chest, and I do feel better. I thank you all for reading, and I wish all of us the strength to heal ourselves, as well as the ability to trust in ourselves to do so.
