Hope lgv: I discovered Ojar last night and I have spent a full two days reading the different stories, the different outcomes and all of the intense and genuine feelings expressed throughout the forums.
My situation seems to be like so many here. He left, no clear reasons, no specific answers, and I am left with many questions, with many 'what do I do now and how do I move on from here?'
My big question, the big constant that I am just not able to overcome yet is: when do you move on? When things seem to be a bit confusing, when you know you have not been given the opportunity to try everything to work things out, when and how do you know that you should stop wasting time and energy there and start putting all of it on moving on?
Are there any stories that are successful? That after things get to the point of a crisis, so intense, so overwhelming that it makes you think that there is no possibility of reconstruction, and yet it happens... is there such a thing? Can a marriage, that is falling apart, be saved? And if there is such a thing, what does it take? patience? time? courage? faith?
I wake up, every morning, with a heart full of hope, full of faith that my life will become fuller, whole and better, but that my marriage will do the same. I wake up thinking that I just need to be a little bit more patient, understanding and positive so my husband pulls through and realises that what we have is worth fighting for... but sometimes, throughout the day, I wonder, I doubt and I wish I knew that there are successful stories out there of overcoming the negative and ending successfully, stronger and healthier.
Am I stupid for hanging on to this kind of hope? Should I give up and only concentrate my energy in rebuilding myself or should I, as long as I have some extra energy to spare, keep on hoping and wishing for him to considerate that our marriage is worth fighting against everything?
Re: Hope MrCheyny: One day at a time - I my situation my STBXW left and it hit me out of the blue the day she walked out. The more I tried to fight for the relationship the more it pushed her away. She was just done and there was nothing I could do to change it. She said she needed "time".
It seems that the leaver usually has these thoughts of leaving months before they actually leave so they are on a totally different stage in the process, then those of us that think all is well and then one day BAM!
Fight for it as long as you feel you can - maybe a day, month, etc...but you will know when it is time to stop. Ojar has gotten me through the sleepless nights and tearful days, I hope it will bring you the same comfort and the folks here offer sound guidence as they have been down that road.
Stay strong and take care of your self - Keep posting and reading
Re: Hope mhiba: IGV,
First of all sorry that you are here. Listen to MrCheyny, he is right, keep reading and posting this site will help you through bad times.
I am a huge believer in hope, I think it burns in us all the time. I mean, what would life be without hope? However, there is a time, and only you will know, when to take your hopes for your previous love and move it toward another with all its power. I still havent reached that point, but I know that in the near future (hopefully) my hope will burn brighter for another.
Here is a great quote that may help...
"We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope." -MLK-
Re: Hope Cheri123: Well....
This is so hard to answer but what I can tell you is that for a marriage to work it takes two. One person can't make it happen. I wanted so bad to make my marriage of ten years work. I asked him to please let us seek counseling. I even went to counseling by myself. They told me...they preferred not to counsel one person, that my partner had to be willing to admit that there was a problem and that counseling was a way to make things better. He never did go and get counseling until after we went through the whole divorce. I think it finally hit him that we had some serious problems. I first want you to know that I do believe that there are too many marriages where people come across their first set of problems with finances or inlaws or kids and boom they want a divorce.
Both partners have to be willing to be open, honest, communicate, and pin point where the problems are. Go to www.marriagebuilders.com they share some awesome stories on marriages that have survived, and they give some pointers in making marriages last. But if the marriage has to do with any form of abuse in which the partner is not willing to go and seek help...please do not hang on to a relationship like that.
Re: Hope lghawaiian: I'll just be reiterating a lot of what the others have said, but all the same: Any relationship takes 2 people to make it work. If he has given up, there is nothing you can do to make him want to fix things. Fight for it if you want, but you will hopefully see futility in it, as long as he stays solid in his decision.
There is the possibility of him being confused as well, and going back and forth. This is much more complicated, and harder for you, unfortunately. When this happens, one person has to decide to be done with it and to break it off, otherwise it could drag on for months. If he can't, you might have to get angry enough at being dragged along to step out and move on by yourself.
