lost and not sure where to go just another: I've been searching the net for a few months now looking for advice from total strangers and found this site. I see a lot of people have the same quetions, issues and problems and I do not know what else to do now. I'll try and think of everything that may be asked but please forgive me if this is confusing or seems unarticulate. I'm really not sure how to go about this.
I've been married for 10 years and have several children with my wife. I've never cheated or tried to cheat on her. She really is pretty perfect and the kids are great. All the probelms are with me. My work is fairly stressful, paramedic which I know causes problems.
I just do not want to be married to her anymore. We have not had sex in about a year but that really isn't to out of the usual for her. We've probably only had sex 100 - 150 times in 10 years. In the last few months I've become really distant from her to where she is more of a friend and not even a close friend. I do not kiss her, tell her I love her, hug her or feel really any sort of "love feelings" for her or even talk to her much. I'm pretty distant from my kids too. I just have a if they are here fine if not fine attitude. She notices this but hasn't been angry with me. She is just wondering why I've had this change.
We would argue a while back about the typical things but I don't even do that anymore. I just don't care it seems.
In the last few months I've dropped about 30 pounds. I'm extremely unhappy and depressed. She thinks it was all because of medical reasons since when I went to the Dr over my weight loss and she asked if I had thoughts of suicide I told her no even tho I probably do about 100 times a day at times. They didn't find nothing medically off on me but I declined more tests assuming my loss is based more on emotional problems then medical ones. I wouldn't hurt myself but sometimes just get the feeling that it would at least be an escape (although I know it isn't) from what I feel now.
I'm eating fairly regularly now so my weight is staying where it is. I've told my wife how depressed I've been feeling and she wants to know what is bothering me but I don't tell her anything. I don't want to say I no longer love her and want to find someone else and crush her or hurt the kids but I'm very unhappy now. I also realize I could go out and be even unhappier with someone who would just hurt me. Right now I feel as if I'm just living in my married safety net.
I realized today if my wife does have a chance to find someone better or get on with her life, everyday I do nothing but just stick around is one less she has of finding someone else better.
I would let her have the house, children or anything else she wanted.
I'm not too sure what I would do afterwards. I have a good friend (wife's friend too) I've become close to recently who I've discovered I now have feelings for that I have not felt in years for anyone. I do not want to have an affair with this person nor do I just have lustfull feelings for her (which I don't). I would be happy to sit with her all night and just hold her hands. I genuinly care for her but at the same time do not want to lose our friendship by telling her how I feel for her if she doesn't feel the same. I was going to tell her tomorrow and see what happens. At least that would be something that could happen or it would not happen. Either way I'd know for sure. I try and be very bold with this stuff since I see people not get that one last chance to say how they feel before they die quite frequently. The only time I'm happy though recently is when I'm around her. I do not just want to go out and find "some girl" either. I've had people offer sex but that is not what I want. If I was with this other person I would be happy to not have sex with her till I was totally separated, divorced or remarried. The time I do have free though I want to be with her even if it is talking about nothing.
I've even thought of going to Iraq this year with the private military contractors just to resolve this situation. Either I would get out with a lot of money she could have half of and I could go away or I could be killed also resolving this situation with less heartache for her then telling her I no longer want to be married to her but want to have a relationship with this other person.
I'm not sure what to do. I do not want to hurt her or the kids but I'm not even here when I am. I could stick it out and swallow it but if we do seperate later it was that much more time she lost to find someone too.
thanks for reading all this.
Re: lost and not sure where to go sosad05: [quote"> I went to the Dr over my weight loss and she asked if I had thoughts of suicide I told her no even tho I probably do about 100 times a day at times[/quote">
I'm sorry to hear you are hurting so badly. I've been there. I see you visited with a physical doctor. However, have you talked to a therapist? It is not healthy to have thoughts of suicide 100 x a day. If you are depressed, perhaps you need to be on some sort of anti-depressants. If you are depressed and need medical intervention, a divorce will not solve your unhappiness.
Re: lost and not sure where to go asoldierssister: I'd have to agree. It sounds like all these feelings might be stemming from something else. Try seeing a therapist and getting on some meds and see if that helps at all. I do know that emotional strain can also put alot of marital strains in place. I hope this works for you! Good luck
Re: lost and not sure where to go asd.me: Okay here is another take on this story. Are you sure you aren't my husband?? Except mine did have a relationship with my suppose-to-be friend behind my back. Then when he finally admitted it instead of telling me I was imagining things and we were suppose to be "trying" to fix things, he was still screwing around with her. Sorry I have a little bit of some anger issues. So while I am thinking this last year that we were working on things, we weren't, and I could of spared my heart again. My husband seemed distant at times before her but denied anything more than life is stressful. If he would of been honest maybe things could of been saved before he found "his perfect friend" and betrayed me. Be honest with your wife and have you ever tried to rekindle your love for her?? Be sure you want to give up your family before you do.
Re: lost and not sure where to go rjm: I haven’t visited this board for a few years. I went through a divorce a few years ago. This site used to be a lifeline to me. My ex-husband and I have gotten back together for over 3 years now and things are really good, actually a little better than before because we have grown more mature and we have a better understanding for each other. But even if that hadn’t happened, I would have been OK…I was finally at a peaceful place and I began to see new possibilities.
In any event reading your post brings to mind a lot of things. It sounds as though you have successfully disconnected yourself from your wife and kids. I think a lot of people who leave a marriage (except in the case of something traumatic like infidelity or abuse) do that…it is the justification for leaving a marriage and a family. I would never encourage somebody to stay in a marriage that he/she is miserable in, but I do think that a marriage deserves respect and that the proper time and care is put into determining whether it is able to be saved.
You were quite clear that you haven’t been upfront and honest with your wife. You haven’t told her you don’t feel that you love her anymore, you haven’t told her that you fantasize being with somebody else, you haven’t told her that you have lost sight of your role as a father. Instead, you've allowed her to worry over possible medical conditions. It really doesn’t sound like you are in a good frame of mind to make this important decision. Your feelings to your children right now should be such a red flag.
The grass isn’t always greener. Once you find yourself with somebody new, life has a way of getting in the way. Love can wax and wane over the years. Love can die or grow so small you can’t even see it anymore….sometimes it’s gone forever and sometimes it can be rekindled. But it takes integrity and maturity to make a good decision, one that you can be comfortable with afterward.
I hope you find peace.
