Same Story - but with a Little Twist BooBoo: My story is a bit different than the stories I have read here – just as painful, but as I said – different. My apologies for the length.
We have been together for almost six years. About two years into our relationship my BF told me he was a sex addict. At first I thought he meant it in a joking way – that he loooved sex. What guy doesn’t?
He was “working his program,” going to meetings and support groups several times a week, had a sponsor, and I truly believed things were on the right track. He has always kept this process somewhat private and that did not bother me because I understood how difficult it was for him. He felt ashamed and embarrassed because of his addiction. At one point we were seeing a couple’s counselor. (Admittedly I was not a huge fan of the counseling because it forced me to address my own weaknesses.)
Fast forward to the present. My cell phone rings and I see from the caller id that it is him. I happily answer the phone. I hear him talking – it sounds like he talking to someone so maybe I’ll just hold for a minute. “Mmmm yeah,” I hear on the other end of the line. “Hello, can you hear me???” I scream. [giggle giggle"> “Oooh yeah..” “Hello?!?!?!” I screamed again at the top of my lungs. “You have such beautiful eyes.” [giggle giggle"> . [muffle muffle"> “Oh f* yeah.” “Hang up your f*ing phone! I can hear you!” I yelled. This went on for about 15 minutes. Why I didn’t hang up I don’t know. When I finally did hang up, I immediately called his cell which went directly to voicemail. I called and called and called. I finally left him a message to the effect “You called my cell phone and I can hear you talking to another woman. Hang up your f*ing phone! I don’t want to hear it” This all went down at about 9:00 p.m. (he told me he was working late).
I felt sick to my stomach. The weird thing is I did not shed a single tear. Was I too angry? Too hurt? I don’t know. He did not come home until 4:00 a.m. He obviously got my message because he stayed on the couch and did not come near me.
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Re: Same Story - but with a Little Twist BooBoo: [Cont'd">
The next morning we barely spoke. I lay in bed and listened to him getting ready to go to work. He finally came in to the bedroom and said he was sorry. I did not move. He told me that what I overheard was him “acting out” as the addicts say. He then told me he heard my message but continued to act out for several more hours. Again, he was sorry.
We talked more when he got home that night. He said he’s been acting out for the past year and a half. I had no idea. “Acting out” for him means many things – from internet chat rooms to soliciting prostitutes. I’m still not sure what he was doing. He says he’s unsure about our relationship, that there’s something missing.
Here’s what I do know. He is apparently seeing one of the 20 something y/o admins. at his office. What he doesn’t know is that I can access his email. (Wrong, yes, I know, but right now I am a woman hurt and scorned and f* him, its fair game.) So while he’s telling me he’s working late, I know what he is really doing, and who he is doing it with.
Now, my dilemma is how do I handle this situation? I have, of course, had the usual thoughts:
1. Contact the little Twinkie Slut (email/letter) and shut her down. They work together. Completely inappropriate relationship and it is part of her “job” to know just how inappropriate their relationship is. If any one of the higher ups found out, they would probably terminate her. I know the higher ups….I have already prepared a letter in the nicest way possible (honestly, it is polite, perhaps too nice.)
2. Show up at one of their rendezvous spots. I know the when and where.
3. Confront him. This is the obvious answer, but how? Yes, folks, I love him, warts (hopefully not genital) and all. I want to make our relationship work. He needs to get back on his program and I need to get into a support group as well, and not allow him absolute freedom in managing his program. I need to hold him accountable for his actions.
He’s going out with her tonight and again tomorrow. I’m sure you all probably think I’m an idiot for allowing this to happen, but I am really confused and need to figure out the right way to handle it. When you’re with a sex addict you choose to believe you can fix them and things will be okay. But the truth is, we are both broken.
Re: Same Story - but with a Little Twist frankbj: So his issue developed 2 years into the relationship? How could you not notice that in the first 2 years? And how was the last 4 years like?
Re: Same Story - but with a Little Twist turning leaf: Choice 4. Leave.
Re: Same Story - but with a Little Twist tripny2k6: F-ing run and dont look back. Seriously. THe best way to handle it is to remove yourself from the situation.
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