Re: Would love some help. lgv: Hello unclear. I am sorry to read about what you are going through, and like many here, I understand how you feel and what you are going through.
I used to think that getting answers right away was the best thing, so in my situation (my husband told me our marriage was beyond repair when I was studying in Europe) all I had was phone records and financial records that I could access online. It was hell, my mind would drive me crazier and crazier to the point of withdrawing from the program and flying back to the USA.
The very same I arrived I confronted him, thinking that I knew what I wanted and what was going on... far from it, I was left with many more questions about my own feeling for him, I was left with evidence that pointed at him possibly having an affair and, worse, him telling me he had been miserable ALL throughout our marriage.
It has only been a month since then, and from that month we only interacted for 20 days, after that we both flew to our respective families to spend the holidays with them. I do not know about him, but at least for me, it has given me a little bit more objectivity to approach things much more calmly.
There is no guarantee that when I return home we will sit down, talk and solve things, but at least I know that I will not be so shocked, so surprised about the issues and end up crying, yelling, panicking. Remember, a negative reaction, the more you push, the more you beg, the more you demand, the more you insult, the less openness you will get out of them. From what I have read in these forums, the person wanting to leave has almost always the most difficulty in explaining why, what is going or went wrong, or simply explain the situation. I do not know if it is a cultural, social or simply contemporary phenomenon, but it seems that it is easier for people to run away from the conflict rather than face it and deal with it.
Give it time and space, not only for her, but for you too. Sometimes you discover so many things about yourself when you are going through it, and in this manner you can define how much you want your relationship to go on, how much energy are you willing to put into working things out, and most importantly, can things really work out.
Hang in there, talk, reach out to people, and use life's struggles to solidify and strengthen yourself.
Re: Would love some help. Cheri123: It's kinda hard to comment on this without really knowing her or you very well. But if you state that you all are age 26 and you have been dating for ten years, this means that you all have been together since you were 16, which means that she might be thinking that she wants to be able to date other people before getting too committed into a marriage without having dated or been with other people.
I married my highschool sweet heart. We had been dating ever since we were sixteen. He proposed to me when I was 19. I wanted to have some time to explore. So I gave him the ring back and we ended up getting married at 22 years of age. Big mistake. Besides the fact that we were both very young and came from really dysfunctional families and should have really sought out professional counseling before marriage, We also should have given ourselves a little bit more time to date other people, before getting committed to a life time marriage. We were married for ten years and divorced. He felt he needed to see other people, but didn't know how to tell me...so he started cheating on me. I wish he would have explored more when he was younger instead of waiting to cheat on me after ten years of marriage and two kids.
I guess what I am saying to you, is that she probably loves you very much but does not want to hurt your feelings, by letting you know that she wants to see other people before getting into a life time of marriage. You should ask her about this, and tell her to please be honest. Are you the type of person that would get upset with her if she told you her true feelings about wanting to see other people? She probably knows this and does not want to upset you.
Re: Would love some help. unclear: I'm trying to give it time; but it's really hard. I haven't written/called/text'ed since I sent her my final text of: "This is such a disappointment after ten years this is what you left us, I wish you well, I am done". It's been 5 days, and as the days continue on I'm getting worried that she wont ever call, and the text was simply a relief for her part, that she didn't have to be the (Bad guy). I feel that text'ing her with this was a bad choice to make, because I'm really not ready to let things go yet. It's out of my hands; but I feel leaving that text might have pushed her even farther away, by making her think that *well guess it's over now, he's done.
Is it common to let the other person know that your done, and well (stop calling), is it common to make it a point that it's over for good? She hasn't really told me anything like this, most of her phrases have been more open'ended. The avoidance is enough for me to grasp a hint *so I think; but choose to stay in denial. Why hasn't she just called and said (look, were done, I'm done, stop calling, it's the end) Why the avoidance, why does she answer some days and not others, and why wont we actually talk? Is this her way of letting me know that she cares for me, just kind'a making sure I'm o.k in a sense so relieve herself of guilt?
