Re: Was this adultery? inebr: [quote">
...there's plenty of responsibility to go around. It looks to me more and more like whatever the stated reasons, divorce is a failure shared equally between the parties involved.
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This is SO hard for me to accept. I WANT so badly for there to be someone (not me) to blame. I was just thinking about this yesterday and how my bad behavior in a relationship seems to stem from the things that I don't feel good about inside of me (usually bad reactions to my insecurities). Do other people do this? And anyhow, I don't want to be remembered as the woman who was difficult to have a relationship with because of xyz behavior ...when really all those xyz things are are defense mechanisms that I have learned to develop and use to protect myself from being hurt.
OK still not an excuse! But it bites anyhow and it's hard to swallow. Just when I think I have it figured out and I begin to overcome something, something else crops up out of seemingly nowhere and I again go through the devestation of realizing the damage I have caused.
ugh. I'm going to go get some coffee now...
Re: Was this adultery? Driver: After being separated for almost 6 months now, my S2BX came back this weekend to pick up some things. It gave me a chance to ask a few more questions, and I found out way more than I wanted to.
When she first left, she told me the same old story every cheater tells. (I find it interesting when I read the posts that all cheaters tell almost the exact same story.) She told me that she didn't love me anymore, that she never loved me, that we weren't emotionally connected and that she had to turn to others outside the marriage to fulfill her emotional needs, etc. What she confessed to this week was that she had cheated twice during our very short 2 year marriage. The first time was just 3 months after our wedding. So if you have to ask whether it is adultery or not, it is!
The first man she cheated with is married with a couple of kids. Right now I really want to call and tell his wife what he did, but I don't want to break up a family. Or is this information his wife needs to know?
The other interesting thing she told me was that she has been with cheat #2 on and off since we separated. She doesn't want to be with him anymore so she leaves, but then starts feeling lonely and goes back. I have been very tempted to get into a "rebound" relationship myself, but after seeing her pain I am very glad I didn't.
So to top things all off, she now thinks she might want to get back together. I wanted to get back together and make things work for so long, but now that I know all of this I think it is impossible.
I have been moving on and I must continue. My progress has been set back by this new information, but I am working to put it all behind me.
Re: Was this adultery? JB_In_Fla: Be strong, be strong.
I'm not going to pretend to know your exact situation but there are very many similarities in mine, to the point that it's spooky. The only difference is that in my relationship she hasn't wanted to come back. I can honestly say that I *KNOW* it will never be the way it was, which is what I would like. We both know too much and things will never be the same. Sure, there would be a slim chance that we could work through it and be better off for it but the reality is my marriage is over and I know that is for the best.
With that said, I'd have a hard time not giving into her if she wanted to work things out. Even knowing what I just stated, the feelings for her havn't left (will they ever?). I just pray if this day ever does come, that I'm strong enough to stick to my guns. (un?)Fortunately for me, the paperwork has already been files, the court date is in a month and the house is for sale so there's pretty much no going back to that old life even if we wanted to.
Why am I saying this? I dont know, but if that time ever comes in my life where she changes her mind, I hope I'm strong enough to say no. Life as it was is gone. The good news is there *IS* a new one for the two of you, together or alone is up to you but you'll never get back the old life, and I think you know that.
- Joe
Re: Was this adultery? Driver: Well JB_In_Fla,
Thanks for the support, you really helped me today. The similarities don't stop there. We too have filed the papers and are divorce will be final in a month.
I know my marriage is over. I just can't stop holding out hope. I just keep thinking of this perfect marriage that we can still achieve if we both work hard at it (nice dream isn't it?). I know it's very unrealistic, but it is so hard to let go.
I have learned a lot through this process, but I don't believe my S2BX has learned enough. At this point I truly believe the statement "once a cheater, always a cheater." As much as I would like to give it one more try, I know I shouldn't.
Re: Was this adultery? JB_In_Fla: I'm right there with you, it's hope that causes me to break down every once in a while. The hope that things could be the way they were (or the way I THOUGHT they were). Logically I know there's no way that can happen but if I get stupid and do something like look at the many photos we have of happy times I get upset. It has gotten easier but by no means am I over it. Actually, I'll be glad when the house sells and the divorce is final, then I can be done with her and start moving on. Having to keep in touch only makes things worse and knowing that I was replaced so easily hurts just as much.
In any event, it helps to talk and that's why I commented. It appears this is a "common" thing. Sad actually, I thought marriage was more than an overcomplication of dating.
- Joe
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