Re: Was this adultery? aisac: I have dealt with the same issue. My husband was a friend to this ow while we were married and at about the same time that he told me he didn't want to be married anymore he ran in a race with her. They both worked in a the same area and would go and drink coffee at a local cafe together. He insisted that he never slept with her while we were married, but they were together within weeks of our divorce. (our divorce happened approximately 6 weeks after he told me he wanted out) My point is, and I've told him this, that he betrayed me as a partner. He took her into his confidence and talked to her when he should have been coming to me. He chose her long before we were divorced. To me, the betrayal is all the same. So yes I view this as adultry.
Does it do us any good to think about it and go over it and over it? NO! (I didn't say it was easy not to)
Yes I do think it makes it easier or gives the other person a motivating factor for leaving. I don't think you are psycho I think it is normal to question and want to know, but I do think the entire situation can make you FEEL crazy.
I really don't know what to say for sure except hang in there! You'll make it past this.
Re: Was this adultery? JB_In_Fla: Ditto here. An old friend of mine (and boyfriend of hers) came back into our lives. A couple months later we're talking divorce and she's gone out with him more than once, even while we were together when I knew nothing was going on. I found this out from the temporary internet files much as you did and it broke my heart. She swears they havn't been physical and "are just friends" but it's obvious. I agree, it may have been over a long time ago for her but this was her out. I know her and she couldn't leave unless she had someone else there waiting. He broke it off with his fiance but they're "still friends" and she sais she hasn't committed adultery. Giving up your heart while married IMHO *is* adultry and just as bad as giving up your body.
At this point we are through as I'm sure you are. It's hard to go on, but it gets easier every day and the more I think about it the better off I am. Sure it'll be a rough road ahead but in the end I'm sure I'll be happier because the man upstairs has NEVER led me astray. Sure there have been rough times but in the end I've always been better off for it and I'm sure you will be too, despite the pain.
- Joe
Re: Was this adultery? galil: Eric,
It seems pretty obvious if you look back and read alot of people stories here that they have been through almost the same situation.
It seems apparent that when the other person finds a spark with someone else and the grass is greener on the other side syndrom kicks into overdrive there is not much any of us could have done to save our marriage.
I just think that when they get to that point and have that spark with someone new they will thow all kinds of garbage out there to jusify there reason for leaving. Anythingto make the guilt go away.
I know for me I heard it all. My ex wife said I was basicly the devil. I know I could have done things a little better but in the end I can look back at the time I was with my ex-wife and can honestly say I loved her with every bone in my body. I would have truly died for her.
I guess it is sad I see woman today that have these deadbeats that cheat on there wives and never see there kids and these poor women that know how hard it is to find a good man. It does make me feel good though. All of them say waht a good person I am and how my ex threw away somone very good for a little dope and kid.
Anyway you keep your chin up you are a good person and I promiss you you will have all your dreams come true because there are women out there that are looking for men like us.
Your happiness will be the best revenge down the road and you will get to a point where your EX will matter little to you:)
Re: Was this adultery? kashoh: Thanks a lot, everyone. It seems that I'm not alone here. Months ago, I might have said that I was an exceptionally terrible, awful person. Now I see that my story is pretty typical (though I'm sad that so many people have had to go through this).
So, it looks like aldutery. I did bad things, she did bad things, things fall apart. I suppose I should be glad that I found out long after the fact. I don't know how I would have handled it in the beginning, when my emotions were overwhelming me. I'm glad she kept it from me at first. Now, I'm not so distraught, just a bit angry (I remember posting before that I wouldn't be mad at her, but here it is. You were right, galil. ;) ) Like what you said, asiac, about your husband, my wife was confiding in someone else, when she could have told me about her feelings, and we could have worked on things. But, there's nothing I can do about it now. I just want to forget about her for awhile. Dwelling on the past is killing my spirit. Anyways, thanks again everyone.
Re: Was this adultery? JimB: It is really interesting, isn't it? With time comes perspective, and with perspective comes the realization that there's plenty of responsibility to go around. It looks to me more and more like whatever the stated reasons, divorce is a failure shared equally between the parties involved.
I'm sure that in your stbx's case, she reached a point where she was emotionally "done" with the marriage, and that was when this guy came into her life. So she made the decision to get emotionally involved with this guy, and she's had plenty of time to justify this poor decision - thus the reaction to your question. I'm sure if you were to suggest to her that she cheated on you, she'd be flabbergasted.
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