No place else to go Zipsfb: I just wrote this and am just feeling very lonely so please bear with me. Thank you.
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I find myself turning to this journal for comfort. Oddly this will be my first entry and will most likely be a stark reminder to me in future days. A reminder of where I've been and where I thought I was.
It was my strong belief that I had passed this point in my life. Where tears would no longer be shed over my lonliness. But fate has taken me to a new city, where my efforts to meet new people have provided few friends. After only being here a few months the one person who I thought would love me forever has left me, leaving me more alone. Leaving me where I am now.
My home is nice. It is quiet. But it is empty. I sit in the chair listening to silence trying to avoid breaking into tears. My life is a constant ending and beginning. A cycle I can't escape. I cannot find refuge.
I tell myself that the silence will strengthen me, show me how to love myself. Such a deep love would put me back into a place I have thought I was many times in the past. Happier times. But these cycles are breaking me down. I am beginning to wonder if all happiness is is an illusion. To stay happy you must learn to trick yourself, to decieve yourself that everything is good. I am incapable of lying to myself, and I find myself here.
Sadly I doubt my short lifetime will yeild the results I seek.
Re: No place else to go browneyedgurl: *whispering to you...* you're not alone... you're not. I know the silence is hard. I am in the exact same situation and at times the silence can be deafening. It squeezes something out of you, wrings your soul even in a very painful way. But before you start thinking that you are being punished, and this is your payment for loving too much or loving at all, just try to remember you are not alone. And no more apologies for your lonliness ok? Right now it's enough to say it hurts. But you will continue to breahte, you will continue to get up every morning, and despite all this BULLSHIT, you are still an amazing person because I know deep down you know love is possible. If you didn't believe that, you wouldn't be hurting so much now.
Read this for me ok? If you cry along with it, then I know you feel me just as I felt you when you wrote this. That right there will remind you that you are NOT ALONE. *holding your hand in the only way I know how*
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If for a moment God would forget that I am a rag doll and give me a scrap of life, possibly I would not say everything that I think, but I would definitely think everything that I say.
I would value things not for how much they are worth but rather for what they mean.
I would sleep little, dream more. I know that for each minute that we close our eyes we lose sixty seconds of light.
I would walk when the others loiter; I would awaken when the others sleep.
I would listen when the others speak, and how I would enjoy a good chocolate ice cream.
If God would bestow on me a scrap of life, I would dress simply, I would throw myself flat under the sun, exposing not only my body but also my soul.
My God, if I had a heart, I would write my hatred on ice and wait for the sun to come out. With a dream of Van Gogh I would paint on the stars a poem by Benedetti, and a song by Serrat would be my serenade to the moon.
With my tears I would water the roses, to feel the pain of their thorns and the incarnated kiss of their petals...My God, if I only had a scrap of life...
I wouldn't let a single day go by without saying to people I love, that I love them.
I would convince each woman or man that they are my favourites and I would live in love with love.
I would prove to the men how mistaken they are in thinking that they no longer fall in love when they grow old--not knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love. To a child I would give wings, but I would let him learn how to fly by himself. To the old I would teach that death comes not with old age but with forgetting. I have learned so much from you men....
I have learned that everybody wants to live at the top of the mountain without realizing that true happiness lies in the way we climb the slope.
I have learned that when a newborn first squeezes his father's finger in his tiny fist, he has caught him forever.
I have learned that a man only has the right to look down on another man when it is to help him to stand up. I have learned so many things from you, but in the end most of it will be no use because when they put me inside that suitcase, unfortunately I will be dying.
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Re: No place else to go MelanieW: Wow ~ I am breathless. What a beautiful way to view life.
Re: No place else to go Cherry: That is lovely
Re: No place else to go Zipsfb: I can easily say your post made it possible for me to fall asleep... thank you very much. And for the many things you have done that you will never know, I thank you again and again.
G'night
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