I am better than this.... Quercusa: I have to take charge of my thoughts. I have to decide what I want to feel like, since feeling is at the center of who I am. I lack true logic. I am an emotional being, and I don’t apologize for it. I like being emotional. I see my emotions as tapping into the wellspring of God’s essence. I am emotional. This is a fact. My brain doesn’t function as logically, as it does in a wash of emotions. I have to make up my mind I don’t want to be a victim. I don’t want to be defined as the woman that Adam did wrong. The truth is, he was sucking me dry. He was critical and crippling. Our relationship was use. I felt defined by how useful I was to Adam. I don’t know if that is what he expected, or if it was what I did out of habit, because that is the only way I have ever felt valued. If the source of that was within me, which it very well might have been, then that is my doing, and no one else’s. At the same time, I refuse to get caught up in blaming myself either, that will simply become part of the ongoing self-conviction I have lived under throughout my life, that has kept me from feeling worthwhile and capable. The truth is, everyone acts out their habits. They do what they know. Adam had a using relationship with Michelle, where her value was based on how she helped Adam. When that didn’t work anymore (because no one can live that way indefinitely. It gives no nourishment. It doesn’t cherish or empower), then love turned to bitterness, and it ended in anger and disillusionment. Adam repeated old habits with me, I suspect. I did the same. I expected to be valued for my usefulness. Adam didn’t argue. He didn’t turn to me and say, “I want nothing from you. I want only to love you and cherish you. You are beautiful to me as you are. Will you let me do that today and tomorrow?”. Unless we become self-aware, we will continue to do this, over and over, repeating the failed lesson until we finally get it. We don’t have to live like this. It isn’t easy to change, but we can. We can choose to build new connections with people that see the greatness in us. We can choose to offer kindness while we are in pain. We can refuse to allow the spirit-killing nastiness that wants to drain us dry of every kernel of goodness we possess. Being bad doesn’t truly feel good. It’s like frostbite killing our nerves and instead of cold we feel the heat of our dying nerves shrieking in agony. That isn’t good we are feeling. It is a little death of God within us, wanting to breath the clean air of peace and hope and joy again. We can partake of joy with each other. We can lift each other up, and be there for each other. We can help one another know that we are not alone in our grief and lostness. It’s o.k. to want someone to touch us. Contact doesn’t make us weak, it makes us human. Knowing our needs and not turning away from them makes us able to choose, rather than being driven by we know not what.
I don’t want to do this lesson again. I want to get it at least mostly right this time. I am ready for something better. I’m not sure how to do it, but I am going to search until I find it. I am going to pray, and connect, and be as kind as often as I know how, until I can see, feel, touch, something…. That will tell me that I am better than this wretch I feel like I am now. I am better than this.
