Re: Delayed exposure, but I've done it! MelanieW: I find this interesting ~ not because of the pain, but the subject of exposure. My husband has yet to tell his parents what he is doing. I am trying to decide if it is even my place to inform them myself, as I am sure once he does tell them, he will only tell half the story. I feel they have a right to know what he has chosen to do with his life and his kids, along the way destroying several friendships and a marriage.
In your situation I feel you did the right thing. The fact that since they don't want you to inform others, tells me they know automatically what they are doing is wrong. I give you kudos for your strength.
Re: Delayed exposure, but I've done it! devastated: [quote author=crushingman link=topic=40017.msg440731#msg440731 date=1168881762">
Buddy-
I think you are doing the right thing. If anything, you waited too long to do it. However, I see a lot of hope for your marriage. You've read the stories, you know how important exposure is. Think of it this way, if you don't want to play God, then why NOT expose? Just expose to EVERYONE, then let the chips fall where they may. Chances are, she'll snap out of-- but ONLY after she doesn't see or talk to OW for a few months. What about her changing jobs if management doesn't let either one go?
By the way, your wife is acting like a spoiled little girl. Did she think her affair was free and had no consequences? She's just mad that she has to face those consequences now, her anger is displaced. It's likely that she will realize this, but it may take a long time. You have to decide if it's worth sticking it out until then. Keep bangin, man. I'm pulling for you.
cm
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Hi CM,
I complete agree with you. She's been cake eating all this while. Not that I've exposed to her management, she's seen that there ARE consequences to her actions. This is a job she loves very much, and she's been called the 'top talent' in the company by her manager -until this happens. I've told her that *I* didn't destroy her career, she did, twice. The first was being weak and starting the affair, but I have her a chance to end it and find another job, but she instead looked for another job while at the same time started up the affair again. So that's two strikes already. There will NOT be a third chance, of this I've made clear to her.
Re: Delayed exposure, but I've done it! devastated: [quote author=MelanieW link=topic=40017.msg440812#msg440812 date=1168888015">
I find this interesting ~ not because of the pain, but the subject of exposure. My husband has yet to tell his parents what he is doing. I am trying to decide if it is even my place to inform them myself, as I am sure once he does tell them, he will only tell half the story. I feel they have a right to know what he has chosen to do with his life and his kids, along the way destroying several friendships and a marriage.
In your situation I feel you did the right thing. The fact that since they don't want you to inform others, tells me they know automatically what they are doing is wrong. I give you kudos for your strength.
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Hi Melanie,
Exposure is a tool used to stop the affair. I waited to expose because I stupidly believed her lies when she told me it was over and she was really trying to leave the job, end the affair. Only found out it had started back up again when I demanded to see her work emails and learned that she had been calling the OW again.
In your case, you MUST expose to end the affair. Sure, they'll be angry. Sure as hell they'll say you're backing them into a corner and 'threaten' to leave or divorce. That is standard script for all WS's. Your marriage can survive his anger, but it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Of course its your place to inform his parents. This is YOUR marriage. This is YOUR life! Expose to everyone who will have an influence to end the affair. Does the OW have a husband or boyfriend? Then expose to them as well!
They hate exposure because it highlights that what they're doing is dishonest and downright despicable. If you want to end your husband's affair, the FIRST step is exposure. As for him telling his parents half the story, he's probably telling them all kinds of lies and saying YOU are the problem in the marriage. They lie and lie and lie. Really.
Read up at www.marriagebuilders.com on infidelity and check out the forums there. Lots of support and help if you really do want to end this, one way or the other.
Re: Delayed exposure, but I've done it! devastated: WS has gone to the gym. She said she'd leave the phone at home initially, and I said I'm tired of shadowing her, if she's going call the OW, she'll do it eventually and I'm not God who can watch her 24/7.
So she took the phone and went off with her best friend and will only be home later. I don't know if she'll be able to resist the temptation and call the OW, maybe to "see how she's doing" or whatever else she may come up with to reason with herself.
Anyway, I'm taking a short nap, and then I'm going to call the MIL to spill the beans on her angelic daughter. Don't know if she'll believe me, but she herself went through infidelity with WS's father years ago, so she may understand where I'm coming from. If all goes well, a call from her mum may be very good reason for her NOT to resume the A (well, and a good reason to hate me even more!) lol
WISH ME LUCK GUYS!
Re: Delayed exposure, but I've done it! devastated: Well, MIL took the news pretty well. When I first mentioned it was another WOMAN, she went "I can't believe this". I told her most of it in 15 minutes, emphasizing that I still loved my wife very much and want to work on the marriage.
She said that she will not call WS tonight, I said it was a wise choice. Let her digest over it. She wants us to come back home until the end of the week, as she wants to talk to the WS face to face. I said I would try and convince the WS to go back for the weekend.
Phew, that was a hard phone call to make. But once you've made it, its a weight off my shoulders. If we go home tomorrow, I'll be telling my mum and sisters also. Well, maybe just my mum.
I wonder if the OW's parents have read my letter and are giving her a hard time (I hope), or if she's been smart and intercepted my mail? :P Anyway, its the least of my worries now.
I mailed her boss and her fate will be known by the end of the week or mid-week next week at the latest. She has suggested that WS extend on her leave if I was uncomfortable with her going back to work while the OW was still there.
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