newbie to this site - going through a separation - desperate for help losinsleep: Here is the situation. I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years. I have 2 children. 1 with him and another from a previous relationship a long time ago. I can't say he is a bad guy in any way. He has supported my kids and I for the past 2 years. (I did work before that, then went on to Mat Leave.) But we do fight a lot and it usually ends up in us not talking for sometimes days, weeks and our last ... 1 month. It is unhealthy and childish I know. But it is what we do because it is easier than facing each other. Our relationship has been a lot of work, since the beginning. I love him still and I know that he loves me. But I don't think that he shares any feelings for my oldest son. This is also a big part of our fighting. He is very hard on him and expects a LOT from him. He does a lot of disiplining but no fun dad/son stuff, like throwing a ball around, going to movies, spending time in the garage. Or even coming to school events. But for his biological son he has all the time in the world for him. There is an obvious difference between how he treats the two, and granted, one is only a toddler and you would treat he/she differently anyway.
My oldest son has been crying (litterally) for his approval and attention and can never seem to make him happy. I feel like I have always taken my fiance's side even when I didn't agree jsut to keep peace in the family, but at the cost of my son's happiness. He is taking the brunt of a lot of this crap and it is just not good. I have asked for him (fiance) to change his ways and he has agreed that he should but never makes the attempt. My oldest son is a good boy. VERY loving and always trying to do his very best. I SEE IT!! I could go on and on about this. He will be a teenager in a couple of years (which is why I want to straighten this out now!)
The point is, I had my breaking point a couple of weeks ago when my fiance crapped all over my oldest again. This is a constant thing around here. So we havent' talked since. But I have been making plans to leave him. This is not a happy home most of the time. I feel like I have wasted most of my 20's (I'll be 30 next year), being unhappy in this realtionship and feeling afraid to say and do things. There is no psyical abuse here at all but the mental abuse I believe is there. He works very hard to provide for our family, so that I can stay home to raise our kids, but he is ALWAYS at work. We don't see him a lot.
Anyway, I feel guilty for leaving. I have a job lined up with a school in my home town which is only 2 hours from here. I would have the same days off as my son plus summers and xmas holidays. The baby would have to go in a dayhome. But my soon to be ex, is fighting me on leaving. He wants the baby to stay here with him (where his parents would take care of him while he works). I told him that we could split our time with him, 1 week with him, the next week with me. He doesn't want to to this at all. I can't blame him. He adores him as do I. I am with the baby 24/7 and I am willing to go 50/50 with him even though it kills me. I really want to be fair about all of this. I even told him that I would like to remain goods friends if that is at all possible. he told me that once I walk through that door, there is no friendship and that he doesn't care what i do or what happens to me.
Also, there is the financial aspect of this. I don;t want to be that woman who takes everything. Everything we have we have together. I DON"T WANT IT ALL!!!! I just want what is fair. He doesn't want to help me with childcare b/c he will have him half the time. He doesnt' want to give me anything for the house, which is also mine. He won't give me the vehicle, which I helped buy(even sold my vehicle to help buy this one). He said he would get me a vehicle in time but I can't take this one with me cause he needs it. I don't want everything but also don't want to walk away with nothing.
I feel so guilty for splitting up my family but can't take the crap that I have been dealing with for so long. I could go on and on and really this is the short version. I just don't know what to do and need to make a decision by Tuesday so I can let the school know if I will take the job I am offered or not. What do I do? DoI fight for my family and hope that things will get better or do I just accept the inevidible and move on and deal with the stress of a broken family and not seeing my baby 2 weeks out of the month.? (Which will also affect my oldest b/c he absolutely adores the baby and is soooooooooo good with him.) I am frightened to do either one, but I know if I move, I have a HUGE support system there and could possibly get through this.
Advice from men and women and all sides of the spectrum would be most appreciated. And please .. be blunt if you must. I dont' need anything sugar-coated. I need to get my head straightened out ASAP!!!!!
Thanks for your time and opinions!!!
Re: newbie to this site - going through a separation - desperate for help PennyLane: Have you guys been to counseling? You need to go. You vented so much stuff here ....and thats good btw.
You sound like you have you act together "so to speak", I just feel you should talk to a counselor....BOTH of you before you make the decision to leave the relationship completly
Re: newbie to this site - going through a separation - desperate for help YellowJacket: [quote author=losinsleep link=topic=40020.msg440513#msg440513 date=1168843910">
I feel like I have always taken my fiance's side even when I didn't agree jsut to keep peace in the family, but at the cost of my son's happiness.
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You might want to think about whether you should really be doing this. My dad always took my mom's side even when she was completely wrong. He was scared of her tantrums. It made me lose respect for him and prevented us from having the type of relationship we should have. It also made me feel helpless since right/wrong didn't matter in issues related to my mom. I fear your relationship with your son is going to suffer.
Plus, giving people their way when they are in the wrong just shows them that it's okay to continue instead of addressing the issues.
