Guilt Complex snkpack: I think I'm ready for dating right. I think in my head that I'm ready to fall in love, have someone spend the night a few times a week, and do stuff with me and the kids. I think I want that with my whole heart.
But I'm dating and I cannot get over the guilt I feel when I don't like a guy back the same way they like me.
Why do I feel so guilty when I can't reciprocate someone's feelings? What is it in me that wants to take the blame for a situation in which neither of us it at fault?
Re: Guilt Complex JimB: [quote author=Snkpack link=topic=40046.msg440891#msg440891 date=1168892372">
Why do I feel so guilty when I can't reciprocate someone's feelings? What is it in me that wants to take the blame for a situation in which neither of us it at fault?
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I ruined a couple of good relationships when I was younger by expressing just this sort of feeling. It's sort of related to ILYBINILWY, but on a much shallower level.
How did I get past it? Well, I didn't, entirely - I still sometimes feel like my emotion of love isn't as strong as my partner's. But I finally got it through my thick skull that love and attraction aren't quantifiable. There's no scoreboard when I receive a hug and a kiss that says "gf 2, JimB 0". My experience of love is different than everyone else's - there's no way to compare the two.
I'd say it's a good sign that you have a conscience, and won't go around breaking hearts for no good reason. As for how you deal with your guilt, I think I see a little word in your post that might help with that. The word is "can't". It's not because you can't reciprocate that person's emotions - it's because on some level you are choosing not to. Not "can't" but "don't". Does it help to look at it that way?
Beyond that, I don't really have anything remotely helpful to offer. Working through guilt and a need to take on more responsibility than you actually rate are probably indicators of something a little deeper than mere dating. But if you aren't able to have fun and take the right attitude into dating, perhaps you're not really ready.
Re: Guilt Complex allilm: I can totally see me doing this. That's part of the reason I keep wishing that when I am ready to start dating, there'll be someone I already know and am interested in, that I can go out with. And I'm guessing I would feel the guilt partly because I'm a mom and we're just programmed to feel guilty all the time and partly because I spent the last few years of my life trying to convince myself that I still loved my stbx enough to save our marriage. When you've worked that hard and suffered that much, in a relationship that was actively miserable for you, it seems trivial to give up on a nice guy when the only thing missing is "the feeling." I'm pretty guarded right now with my heart. I also just can't imagine letting someone get very close to me right now, so with that, it's hard to imagine finding someone who I could be that interested in.
But in the end you have to remind yourself that you're worth finding the guy who will give you that feeling. And you're doing the other guy a favor, cause he's worth finding the girl who gets that feeling from him.
Re: Guilt Complex YellowJacket: [quote author=Snkpack link=topic=40046.msg440891#msg440891 date=1168892372">
Why do I feel so guilty when I can't reciprocate someone's feelings? What is it in me that wants to take the blame for a situation in which neither of us it at fault?
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Are you really feeling guilt as though you've done something wrong? Or are you just feeling empathy and wishing that someone didn't have to hurt even though you can't help it?
You definitely shouldn't be feeling guilt. If you treat them like you'd want them to treat you if the situation were reversed then you are doing everything you can.
It's good that you care how they feel.
Re: Guilt Complex Trent: This topic sort of hits home for me
I dated a girl who was in a horrible relationship that ended a year before we started dating and I was the first guy she went past 2 dates with. We talked about her previous dates and it seemed like she was always looking for something wrong with everyone she went out with since it was little stupid things that caused her not to like the guy and really no good reasoning. After going out for a while, I found that everything nice I did for her ended up in her being hesitant about us because she "felt guilt if things didnt work out then she was the bad guy." Basically, I realize now that she was never ready to date again.
My point with this is to make sure there isn't any real reason for that guilt and that you are ready to date...
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