What was I here 4... Feel: It's been 3 full days with out P. He got his kids back... after a year of struggle and pain...
I have been sitting alone for 3 nights looking at the door to see if he is gonna walk in with our Timmy's (coffee) and time together after my son goes to bed... cuddle after so long not having it and enjoying every moment of it and knowing it would end soon because no amazing man, father as him will go unnoticed!
Well that day finally came, and I am not sure how I like it, I feel selfish thinking of it this way but I am being honest.
I miss him, his touch, his whisper, his eating, his making love to me, and all the good and positive attitude he has brought to me...
But was I only here to make him get thru his rough patch, knowing he still has one ahead, still unsure of when he can formally introduce me to his kids. His son J is amazing, no problem with him, he says he wants a mommy like T has (my son) and I will be more than happy to be a motherly role model for him and his 2 sisters... but how long can I wait.
I had nothing when G left and then I had everything when P came including happiness for me.... my son asks for him constanlty, more than his own dad... but will T forget about him if his everday life with us for the past 6 months has been eliminated to a 5 minute phone call at 12.00am cause right now it has to stay hush hush, not because they don't know but because of what his X wife caused them, he wants to make it secure with them again first before we can be whole again... But am I willing to wait!
I asked him on numerous occasions, can we take it slower, since I know I may not have you as often as I do now, when your kids come back, but that didn't stop, we still spent as much time together, even going to do groceries, he wouldn't let me go alone, cause we were a family and this is how it should be, couples have eachother and do things together (not to the extreme, I still did things onmy own as he did) but he made himself so available. So how can I get mad at him now, that would be inconciderate, selfish of me, rude and shameful of him to even dare let him know that I feel alone, I am hurting and that I do cry at night! I miss him there!
I have been good on my own but I want him in my life and by the looks of it I have to be patient. His calls come all day long, messages left about how much he misses me and loves me and he can't wait to hold me, I totally trust him in everyway shape and form.
But I am angry at him, cause he made himself so available and I hate feeling dependant on someone else...
So I guess you can call me selfish for feeling this way, that if it doesn't work out, I was here to keep him saine for the return of his three children, I guess I can say thank me, and I have just given myself another obstical and made myself that much stronger??????????????????????????????
Re: What was I here 4... Azhure: Oh honey, I am so sorry- I cried when I read this cause I know how you are feeling right now and there isnt anything I can do to make it easier for you- I beleive with my heart that it will turn out ok- but I know that you are scared right now about the outcome and pissed cause you didnt want to feel this for another person- it makes you have to look at your vulnerability.
Keep faith, keep focusing on the positives- T, and do things that make you happy- keep your journal and keep posting- keep talking to me- lord knows I need the help! lol
We are all here for you- I know it will come out ok but right now it doesnt seem so- you have to trust, and believe in him- and in yourself
Re: What was I here 4... Feel: Hey Az,
i know what your saying but what hurts more is that I feel damb selfish...
But I am mad at him too, and I can't be mad at him cause it would look selfish of me... which I am not!
Re: What was I here 4... chaotic: Feel,
Its only been 3 days. Remember all the work he has to do for those kids right now. He has to regain thier trust, make them feel safe and loved, convince them things are going to be ok. Right now with this major change in thier lives on top of the crap thier mother had been feeding them, he needs to devot all his time to them. If he is not there for 1 minute for them, they will begin to wonder. If he is on the phone with someone for any amount of time and they dont have his attention, they will question his devotion.
Give it some time. Once things settle down, I am sure he will be back.
Re: What was I here 4... Feel: :) Chaotic, your awsome as usual... and your right, this is why I have to learn to deal with the wait period now, I just wish I could be involved!
We will never know what happened to those kids, this morning before work P came over to see me... it was nice to just feel him.... we were laying in bed and he said to me that yesterday his son told him that N(x-wife) sent him to be with her brother (uncle) for 2 days... he said that the fear in his eyes was unbearable for him and he is afraid other things happened to him for wanting to be with his dad... not sexually but at least verbally, mentally and emotionally abused.
He started crying which made me want to help him and his children more... I am sick thinking of what this little boy went thru... P said he doesn't even ask about his mom, nor speak of her...
The girls he said will need more work and more reassurance that he ain't going anywhere, but he also said that his eldest daughter told him to at least make mommy keep the house... she was so worried about keeping the material aspect of things, that these children don't even know she was more interested in the money than them!
I hope to GOD that GOD makes her know and feel what she did to these innocent children, she deserves to be hung!
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