confused lostinlife: Ok - here's the story - condenced for time and space. I have been married for 12 years. The first several years were great, hardly any problems at all. Then, money problems, health issues and a car accident 4 years ago that left me with a severly arthritic ankle and injured both of our children turned our good marriage into a nightmare. There has never been any physical abuse, and he is a great father, for the most part. But then who among us does not have an off day as a parent.
The problem comes from the car accident, and the aftermath of it. I was driving the kids home after picking up the oldest from Kindergarten. We slammed into the back of another vehicle that was parked on the road, in the middle of the lane with no lights on to indicate that it was not moving. When I came around another vehicle and saw that the car was not moving, it was too late and we hit the car at full speed. During one of the most difficult times in my life, going through several surgies to correct the damage done in the accident, and the subsequent nightmares from the accident itself, the one person that I should have been able to turn to for support and comfort had all but physically left. The nightmares kept me awake for almost a year - they were a very vivid and real rememberance of the car accident and the sounds of my children crying in the back seat - and I could never turn to him for support and comfort. He did not ever come to the hospital to visit me throughout the 4 surgeries and the words "I love you" were not spoken to me for a little over a year after the accident.
I had thought that we had worked past most of the anger and pain and that we were getting back to being good together again. Then, 2 years ago, while trying to get our children and myself ready for a family function, as well as prepare the food, my husband informs my then 8 year old son, that I am "too much of a bitch to talk to in the morning and if he would just steer clear" he would be better off. The pain that his one comment caused was unbelievable. Not only for myself, but also for our child. To this day, he has never apologized to our son for his thoughtless comment. I took a job in Chicago, going home on the weekends for 6 months, shortly after that so that we could have some time away from each other.
cont.
confused...cont. lostinlife: Fast forward another 2 years and we arrive to today's issue. We sold our house in January and moved in with my folks. This was supposed to be a temporary thing, until we found a new house. However, 1 week prior to signing on the new house, my husband was laid off. Living here with my parents has been very hard on him, he does not like most people, and absolutely hates not having our own place. And while I certainly miss haveing my own home, I am also realistic. I know that with him finally getting a position, he is eager to move out. However, our savings was depleted while he was out of work and we have no down payment for a house now. I know that he should stay employed at his current position longer before we try and get a mortgage, however he feels that it is not necessary. We are also having a problem with where to live. He wants to live in a small town, about an hour from where we are currently. The school district in that area is lacking and not very promising at all. I want to stay in the same area that we are currently in. The kids love the school and it is the best school district in the state. Also, we have friends and family in the same area. Extended family is not very important to my husband, he barely speaks to most of his family, especially his parents and siblings. While looking for a home, since he does not want to stay in this area and I don't want to move so far away, I tried to suggest a compromise, by looking somewhere in the middle. I could still send the kids to the same school, but it would not be as close to my family and friends. When I asked him whether or not he likes a house, he has stated that the decision is completely up to me, I should just let him know where to sign. From what I can tell, he would be miserable no matter where I choose, and yet he does not want any part of the decision making process. I am also afraid that, should we get a house, and the shit hits the fan between us, we would be stuck with a house payment and children. I would rather stay with my parents for a little longer, build up our savings and hopefully our relationship and then move.
I get the feeling that he needs someone to blame for him being miserable. If not me, then his family, if not them, then my family. I am exhaused. The emotional yo-yo that I have been on for the last several years has taken a toll on my health and life. I am tired of being set-up to be the bad-guy in everything and I am tired of being his reason for being unhappy.
When asked, he feels that this is not a good enough reason for a divorce, though if asked today, he would not marry me again. I agree, if asked today, he is not the man that I would marry.
He refuses to go to counseling with me and has stated that he does not have a problem, that I do and that if I think I need it, then I should go to counseling.
So, there it is. The slightly condenced version of my life. I guess I just needed to vent and see if anyone has any suggestions. My family, while well-meaning, does not offer any advise, they really don't want to be in the middle of this at all, but would support me in any decision made.
Suggestions and advice would be well received, so please let me know. :-[
Re:confused...cont. Spectrum: [quote author=lostinlife link=board=1;threadid=4018;start=0#msg31333 date=1093969481">
I get the feeling that he needs someone to blame for him being miserable. I am tired of being set-up to be the bad-guy in everything and I am tired of being his reason for being unhappy.
When asked, he feels that this is not a good enough reason for a divorce, though if asked today, he would not marry me again. I agree, if asked today, he is not the man that I would marry.
He refuses to go to counseling with me and has stated that he does not have a problem, that I do and that if I think I need it, then I should go to counseling.
[/quote">
Wow.
The statements I quoted above are the *exact* same things that were running through my mind for about a year before I discovered my ex was having an affair.
I can totally empathize with the feelings you're having right now; I know I felt rather hopeless about the whole thing knowing that I wanted things to be better, I wanted to be happier with my ex, and I knew he wouldn't give me any of the tools (ie. counselling) necessary to help fix the relationship.
Regarding the house-buying situation..... Well before I read your final summary about his need to "blame" you, my thought was, "He's leaving the house decision to her so that he can be ticked and unhappy, and blame it all on her."
It sounds like your husband is very similar to my ex.... he doesn't go out and get his own happiness, but depends on others to provide it for him (which, of course, is impossible). Then when he isn't as happy as he thinks he should be, he doesn't have to feel bad about himself- he can blame you!
Not that this is necessarily happening, but you should be aware that this type of personality and situation (at least from my own past and observations) are ripe for cheating. A person like that very easily justifies cheating to themselves, because "it isn't their fault" that they do it.
I don't know what kind of advice to offer you to fix things, unfortunately. I tried to fix my own relationship, but it was too late (he had already give up and latched on to the nearest hoe-bag for solace).
Can I ask how much quality time you spend with your husband alone? And I don't mean a few hours here and there. How often do you get away alone together to try to enjoy each other's company? At some point, both of you need to try to awaken what made you fall in love in the first place. Believe me- it is still there, you just need to figure out how to bring it to the surface again. I know it isn't easy, when life gets in the way. But I think it is a necessary step to help rebuild your relationship from the ground up (if that is indeed what you would like to do).
Good luck and best wishes.
Spectrum.
Re:confused lostinlife: Spectrum,
It is good to know that I am not alone in this and that others have been through and survived. What scares me the most is that when we met and married, I was a very strong and independant person, who was not afraid to stand up for myself or something that I believed in. Somewhere along the line, I lost that part of myself and the confidence to know I would get through, no matter what the outcome.
The last time that we were alone, was a long drive to and from North Carolina, where he was hoping to find employment and move. Since we did a marathon drive on the weekend, a lot of the time was spent either listening to music or with me asleep. Not a very productive trip, as far as employment and us.
Other than that, we don't ever spend time with just the two of us, unless it is to sleep. He works and then goes to a class until 10:30 pm or so. When he gets home, I am either already asleep or close to it. He then leaves at 6:45 in the morning or so.
Lostinlife
