unknown territory crane: I was a happily married man of 18 years until recently. I was tired on a Saturday night and my wife had been drinking with a friend since 1:00 o'clock. She came home around 6 after I left around 3 she continued drinking while I layed in the bedroom. My neighbor came over on our front porch and was socializing with my wife after I returned from picking up my daughter. I said hello, was graceful and went to my bed around 7 my 18 year old son came and ask where my wife was. I said I don't know ask the neighbors wife, she said they went to the store for beer, I got upset my wife never said a word to me when she left. I waited she came in later and went to bed with out speaking to me. Now I looked at the beer left on the table and discoverd 3 gone. I thought too much time was gone with her together with my neigbor. I was hurt and mad and left at 12 to never return until the next day.
She is sober ask what happen, she said they went riding and talking and nothing happened. I wanted to believe her but I could not. More anger and sickness.
I ask he why she would leave and not tell me she thought I would not care. She is scared I will leave her.
She still say's nothing happened and she loves me and will never speak to him again.
two weeks later I wonder how no communication with him and nothing I ask her if she talked to him she said no, but then admitted she talked while bringing in groceries and told him how angry I was, she said his wife was angry also.
To much time together for nothing to happen?
She still say's nothing happened. I ask her to describe the night. She says they left store and drove down the road away from the house turned right down a road called Fite. I ask whose idea to do this? she clams up I don't know. later admits it could have been my idea. I ask where did you go she describes the directions to a point of turning down this one road and then not being able to remember how far went down this road or where they turned around to come home. Here heart was beating fast as she told me then clamed up. She still claims nothing happen, she still loves me I am trying to work though this but continue to have imaginary thoughts about what happened that night Gone alone with a strange man we have never socialized with in the last 4 years. Three beer's later returning, too much time????????????
Still sick daily with these imaginary thoughts.
God what do I do how do I get over the thoughts????
Can't drink!!!! but do She tries to comfort me, we have a good family she still say's she don't know why she just thought I would not care, but I do and it hurts daily!!!!!!
Re:unknown territory LettinGo: Hi Crane ...
Is this the first incident where you thought something was fishy? I only ask because in 18 years of marriage, if this was the first time something like this happened, why don't you believe her?
Trust is the most important thing to me in a relationship. I can't help you figure out if something happened or not, but if you don't trust her, maybe marriage counseling would help the two of you.
It doesn't seem like this one incident would be enough to throw away 18 years, if this was an isolated incident, but I am not in your shoes so it really has to be your decision.
Good luck! Kelly
Re:unknown territory Matt: Well, i'm new here but if I may, let me ask you a couple of questions:
Is this a pattern for her? Meaning, has she done this before? Infidelity in the past, etc? Its your business entirely, but i'm a wondering a bit about it just because the way your post reads to me is that this is a first occurance in 18 years. I could see, and totally understand your reaction if she had a history of messing around with other men, but a first time event would make me thinks its more of a case of bad judgement fueled by booze. But, it sounds like there is more to the story here based on how strongly you've reacted.
I say that because it has obviously affected you deeply enough to come here and express your pain and confusion.
I wholeheartedly agree with Kelly.. Trust is the MOST impotant thing to me as far as marriage goes. If there are trust issues then marriage counseling might be the thing to do. As far as divorcing her goes, that my friend is a decision you have to make for yourself...
Matt
Re:unknown territory crane: Well, first we have had a previous incident when we got married. I was in the navy she was from a small town. I married and left 3 months later on deployment. She had an affair and I came home and kicked his ass, hurt him bad enough to put him down a long time. This incident was overcame due to my infidelity while overseas. The event was overcame and we have had a wonderful marriage for past the 17 years. The trust is their that is why I have decided to continue to work on it. But I still imagine all kinds of senario's. She cries and get's angry at me when I tell her of my feelings. Why I did nothing, I have thoughts that she is angry because she want me to forget it and cover it up. Her nephew's wife and her have a great relationship and talk about all of life's daily problems, how could this be an excuse to talk to another man behind my back, if talk was all that went on, I still have these thoughts that she did more???????
Today was hard still imagine her and him sneaking around. He works nights and is off all day. I go to work around 4:00 in the morning to get home around 5:00. I guess I will have to suffer and trust her to do the right thing, but it is hard. G0D I hope nothing happened. Oh and by the way he is black and the man my wife sister ran away with is black. Was it curiosity of why her sister through away her life away for a black man. GOD I just don't know and the pain sucks..........
Re:unknown territory whathef?: Black, white, what's the difference?
You're correct about a few things.
First being that there is a problem, and only you can figure out what it is that YOU need to learn about yourself from it.
It's not about everyone else. It's about you.
I am still finding this out myself.
One thing that's difficult for me is working on not judging people.
It's hard not to judge, but gets easier when you try to be aware of when you are doing it.
Blame, shame and judgements.
None of which is a redeeming quality.
Real hard work to do on ones self, but I thank my W for her part in allowing me this opportunity to DO the work.
It's all about us, not them.
I hope for the best for you in this situation.
John
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