Re:unknown territory SadGary: :)The way I see it, I wouldn't stress about the guy. If you sense your marriage is in trouble, thats should be the big eye opener. When people cheat, they are usually doing so for something lacking in their own marriage, i.e. looking for someone who will understand them, comfort them, give them some confidence, or simply to be around someone who doesn't stress them out.
Try to identify if your meeting all of her needs. Do you neglect her in any way above. Do you know her favorite TV show, her family enemies, things from the past that are significant to her. This may be a sign that you are too comfortable in your marriage.
Get off your behind and take action before you lose her.
Just some words of wisdom.
Re:unknown territory Matt: Well Crane, sounds like you are in a really sticky situation. The very first thing I would suggest would be to do some soul searching by yourself - alone. ( go camping, or to a state park and get away from everything and hike. Or wherever you can find some solitude ) I want to repeat ALONE, as its easy to be swayed by another persons advice, or point of view as far as what you should do when you are really upset. This a serious decision that will have alot of concequences ( emotional, financial, etc ) I suggest that because YOU need to figure out what YOU want, or need to happen to resolve the situation and start getting on with your life.
Just my 2 cents but I would start off with the following question to yourself:
#1. Do I /or can I stay Married and work this out, or would I rather end it?
- its really painful to admit that you need/want to end it, but sometimes like in my case I had to stop the hurting and end it. My wife had been unfaithful and I was plagued with "what if's" and simply couldnt forget about it. When I later found e-mails to him on the home computer it brought back a flood of pain, and "scenarios" ( aka: visions of them having sex with each other ). Every time she was late coming home from work, or there was a strange number on the caller ID, I was a wreck and wondered if she was screwing around on me... I knew I couldn't "forgive and forget" , or live with the suspicion and fear, and had to end the marriage for my own well being.
If you can't TRULY put the past behind you and live in peace and know that its better to end it, then end it.
If you truly think you can stay, get past the suspicion and have a happy life with her then I would suggest a good mariage therapist as a start.
I do know this: that kind of stess and worry is horrible for you for long periods of time. I actually went to my doctor because I thought I had something wrong with my heart! Palpitations, etc... The doc told me it was stress. I was a wreck....
You are going to have to do something about this situation for sure. You can't stay like this for long or it'll start to affect your health, both mental and physical.
good luck and keep us posted
Matt
Re:unknown territory SherylLynn: Well put Matt. I too am in the same situation. We have been separted for about 2 months when he tells me he wants to move home and work things out. I say OK. Things were good for a couple of weeks, then he starts acting weird this weekend. Found out he went to see OW because she was in distress.
I found out by means I shouldn't have and now he is mad at me and says I didn't want to reconcile. I did, but he started sneaking around again, and I got snoopy again and now we are in the same cycle we have been in for months.
Trust is HUGE!!!! If you can get past the trust, then find a good marriage counselor. If not, then you have to decide what is best for you.
I don't know that I can trust my stbx anymore. He hasn't been truthful to me for months, years even. So now, he wants to go back to having both because I pushed him to it. Well, he can't have both.... so we are back to having to decide should we stay or should we go. We are both going to a therapist, individually and as a couple. I wish I just had the courage to give it up.
Good luck to you,
Sheryl
Re:unknown territory Matt: Hi Sheryl,
I know what you mean about the "should we stay or should we go" feelings. I wavered for a while, but after installing a "ghost key logger" on the home computer ( a device that records each keystroke, user name, password, and websiter visited - totally invisible and sent all collected data to my yahoo account..) and found all sorts of gut wrenching e-mails to the OM, AND a secret bank account ,I told her I was divorcing her right in front of the marriage counselor!! I was done with her right then and there. I got up and walked out of the office, and started the process. It was easier to do than you can ever imagine... Kind of like jumping of a high dive, alot of fear and apprehension standing on the edge looking down, but after the first step its easy as pie... ;)
As far as "found out by means I shouldn't have" don't give that a second thought, ever! A lying, cheating spouse has NO right to privacy, and shouldn't expect any. I have no regrets whatsoever about the snooping I did. And BELIEVE ME, I snooped high and low darlin'... I looked thru her purse, checked her car, went thru drawers, checked cell phone records, and even tapped my home phone line... And I would do it again in a heartbeat! I had a ton of damning evidence against her and when she started getting crappy a week ago about equity money from the sale of our house ( we closed on wednesday of last week ) I showed it to her and told her that if she didn't do exactly what I wanted I'd drop it off at a lawyers office, and her Commanders office and wreck her 15 year military career... ( she's active duty air force - enlisted, and her little lover boy is an officer... a BIG No-No in the service ) Needless to say, she shut right up and did exactly what I told her to..
I divied up the money, taking a few thousand extra for my trouble and filed the papers last friday morning in the County Courthouse in Ft Lauderdale. Now, I'm in my own 2 br 2 bath apartment just waiting on the court date.. ( Errr, and for the lovely hurricane Frances to hit here in a day or so )
I will offer this one piece of advice: when/if you make the decision to end it - STICK WITH IT.. Dont waver, don't waver, don't waver, DON'T WAVER..... I almost did when my stbx came home crying begging me to work it out, and I felt this wierd emotional paralysis hit me. It was freaky, I just sat on the couch doing nothing for almost a week. Laundry pile up, dishes piled up, I slept alot. Then I had one of those blessed "moments of clairity" and this inner voice screaming at me "Get Up!!! Right Now!!! Start Packing!!! Get this OVER WITH!!!" .. So I did, packed all the boxes, called movers, found an apartment, etc, etc... It was stange for that week though, I was acting just like a deer standing in the middle of the highway staring at the headlights of an 18 wheeler bearing down on it. it was scary. I had to give myself a firm kick in the A** and get moving.
I know I could never truly trust her again, not in a million years.. All the lies, the sneaking around, and dishonesty on her part ruined ANY chance of that. And I refuse to settle for, or stay married to a person that I cant truly trust. I might not have the best self esteem in the world, But I know I deserve better than that garbage. I deserve to have that trustworthy, fabulously wealthy, supermodel that owns a chain of liquor stores, like I've always dreamed of....... If not that, a good natured, happy gal I can TRUST and love, and spoil rotten romantically.
Like Willie Nelson once sang:
"hope remains when pride is gone,
and it keeps you movin' on,
calling you across the borderline...
when you reach the broken promised land,
when every dream slips thru your hands,
then you'll know that its too late to change your mind,
'cause you've paid the price to come so far,
just to wind up where you are,
and you're still just across the borderline.."
Love and Peace,
Matt
Re:unknown territory crane: Well, here we go again I have continued to talk with my wife about that night. She still say's nothing happened and she still loves me. We have moved on to continuing on with our lives and continue to talk everyday. When she believes the thoughts are bothering me she ask me what I am thinking she let's me vent, I am completely honest with her about my beliefs and my suspicions. She continues to assure me nothing happened that night. She tell's me everytime that I have the thoughts about her and the OM to tell her and she will tell me again how nothing happened and she would not risk her marriage over something like that. I believe I am calm enough now to talk to the OM without anger and her re-assurances that nothing happen. I just have to here his story???? Or do I want to catch her in a lie????? I will not divorce, but I need to obtain closure.
