I need help desperately....!!! Please Read SadGary: I'm 35 y.o. WM, I've been married for 4 years and have known my wife almost 7 years. We have two wonderful children 2 and 4 years old. We have the nice house, cars, financial security. I'm a Registered Nurse, Lori has no degree, but works as a billing supervisor. We split up 4 months ago for two weeks, because she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore and she was miserable in our marriage. Two weeks later and about $10,000 later (cost of breaking lease for her) we got back together as she told me it took being apart for her to realize just how much she loves me. The first month back together was like a new honeymoon. Everything was perfect, than I noticed things starting to taper off. Now we are back in the same position, where she is saying these same things. We've tried counseling, but she can't identify what the problems are. She just says she is not in love with me and thinks we should split up again. I was crushed the first time, because not only did I lose her, but my visitation with my kids was every other day, which is good considering what others have, but my kids are my life besides her. I can't fatham being apart from them. My 4 years old is smart as a whip and is a daddys boy. He went into a deep depression until we got back together, which ultimately put me in a deep depression as well. I don't know what to do. She says she is fine to live together as friends and to raise the kids together, but wants her freedom to go out and do whatever. How can I live like this, I need love, and intimacy, and compassion. Who would take me knowing I live with my wife. On the one hand it's not fair to me, on the other I can't fatham being without my kids. Ultimately, I love my wife and want to be with her more than anything. I have been a good husband. I do most of the housework (laundry, dishes, baths and feeding the kids). I take care of the outside 1.5 acre of land we have, the pool and the hot tub. I send her flowers at work, write her love notes, etc., but nothing affects her in an emotional or loving way. I know for a fact there is no other guy. She is home every night right after work. I've offered her to quit work and go to school full time to achieve her goals of a degree. I've told her I would do whatever it takes to make her happy. I know I can't hold onto her if she doesn't want to be. I am having so much trouble dealing with this whole thing. I've lost 10 lbs recently. I know in the long run, I could meet someone else. We are both considered attractive by others, so we've been told. I'm lost, confused, and feel so empty inside, taht I can't even give the quality time a father should give his children lately. My family is there for me, but they don't live close, I have very few friends, as I have deditcated all of my free time to my family. Please people, give me some suggestions and your emails if your in or have been in a similar situation. My world is falling apart as I type here. BTW, I am not suicidal ! Just very down and depressed. Thanks in advance....................
Gary
Re:I need help desperately....!!! Please Read jason_stl: Gary,
Besides the flowers and love notes, what do you do for fun that also shows your wife that you are still attracted to her? Routines tend to be killers for sexual intimacy and that sounds like what you two stepped into.
Is she still willing to try, or is she throwing in the towel?
Re:I need help desperately....!!! Please Read cloud: Gary.
Even though it's an emotional situation, it sounds like you are looking at things with a critical eye in terms of what would be the best solution for all involved: you, your wife, and your kids.
Even if you and your wife lived together just as friends, it seems like sooner or later one of you would be romantic with someone else and wouldn't that cause a breakdown in the relationship between you and your wife, and what kind of signs would that send to your kids.
I'd sit down and write out pros and cons of the different scenarios.
If the marriage isn't salvageable and she doesn't love you anymore, can you both come to some kind of agreement that gives you the kind of visitation with your children that would make it work for you and your kids?
Re:I need help desperately....!!! Please Read SadGary: I know the pros and conse, hopefully we can do this with the couselor. We have a 2pm appt. today. Lori needs to wake up and smell the roses. She thought last time the grass was greener on the other side and found out it wasn't, hence she came back. I would have thought she learned her lesson by now. I can only come up the fact that she is wacked in her mind.
Re:I need help desperately....!!! Please Read steve: Your wife is sounds like she is depressed, and I mean clinically. My opinion is that before you are going to be able to work on your marriage, she is going to have to get her self well. That means therapy by herself and probably some medication.
I suggest you read everything you can about depression. The good news is it is treatable.
I would almost guarantee that she has several depression symptoms that have been on going but unrecognized. Sleeping problems, weight gain or loss, general feeling of hopelessness, but the one that is now evident is that she is making "bad" decisions and she knows they are bad and yet can't help her self.
This will not go away if left untreated, it will only get worse and the decisions she makes while in this state are forgivable, but sometimes the consequences will be everlasting. Love her, stand by her, and convince her to seek treatment for depression. Do not take her comments to you personally, she is sick.
It has been a couple of months since you posted this I am curious as to what has transpired since then.
I am going through the same thing, it is almost be the exact some story, just the names are different. So I wish you the best of luck.
One more thing - you said in a follow up post "... would have thought she learned her lesson by now." If it is depression, she will not learn any lessons. She might congnitively recognize the fact that she has a good life at home, but her decision making skills are impaired to the point of self-destruction. When she says things that are more hurtful than most people can imagine, you have to remove her from the statement and think of those things as coming from an illness. Depression is a physiological problem... it is not under her control and you have to realize that so that you don't get mad at her.
