I love you (part I) readytomoveforward: Today is January 26th, 2007. You may never see this, but if you do, then somehow we have managed to make things work b/c sending this to you now and getting rejected one more time will just shatter my heart all over, even though everything inside is telling me just send it to you because I want you to know how I feel. I miss you Melissa. I miss everything about you. I miss your friends and you’re family-even the ones who think you should just let me go. I miss what we once had. I miss our routine lunch dates where I ate and you slept! I miss your smell and the way you knew how to touch me. I miss how you seduce me and I miss seducing you. I miss brushing your hair to sleep or tickling your toes to wake up like you told me your father did when you were a kid (even though you hated it.) I miss cooking for you and I miss growing old with you. I miss building a future with you and giving you “hints” about our children’s names. I miss you talking with my mom and all of the awesome holidays we shared together. I miss your eyes, your dancing skills, and even watching you pluck your eyebrows. I miss sharing a toothbrush with you. I miss squeezing and cracking your back. I miss you telling me how you are always proud of me and that you could be with me forever. I miss doing nothing with you, yet being satisfied just b/c I had you. I miss fixing things for you, or wait, breaking everything and then trying to fix them (ha-ha). I miss wining and dining with you. I miss you getting out my ingrown hairs, touching my nipples until I choked to death, and fondling my earlobes until I made you stop. I hated that so much you have no idea, but it was cute and it was you and it put a smile on your face so I kind of liked it (my secret). I miss you Melissa. I know what I feel inside. I know what my heart is telling me. It is saying don’t give up yet. It is saying everything happens for a reason. It is saying that we can make it past this. You are not one of those high school crushes that goes away over night. This isn’t a phase in my life. This is real, this is me. I am in love with you and I want a second chance to prove it. I have had time to work on myself and prove who I am and what I can be. I have made the best out of the worst thing that has ever happened in my life. I want you to let your guard down and trust me once again and to know inside that this has changed me in ways that you couldn’t ever imagine. I could never hurt you again how I did in the past, I could never take advantage of you how I did in the past, and I couldn’t certainly ever hold back from you like I did in the past after going through what I have gone through. I can only move forward and love you like I have always loved you, because I know you have never once doubted my love.
As I sit here today all day at work thinking about you my heart aches because I know inside I have what it takes to make you the happiest woman in the world and you have what it takes to make me the happiest man in the world, yet we are not together. Why is this? I know how you miss me and think about me every day because you tell me. I know how you want to call me and sometimes you give in and just do it-even though you don’t want to because everyone is giving you advise to have “no contact.” Why can’t we stop wanting to be with each other? Why did you date someone already, yet tell me that it didn’t help you get over me? Why can’t we let our guards down at the same time and move forward? Why cant we just be natural and stop fighting it? It may appear to you that I am in denial that we are not together anymore, but know that is not the case; it is because you still tell me that you aren’t sure if you want it to be completely over with me that I still am trying. I wouldn’t think like this if you didn’t show me and still give me hope. I am not “that guy” who cant let go, because trust me I will once you tell me that you want to move on (without me.) I have seen a councilor and have been working on myself for quite sometime now so believe me when I tell you that I am happier with whom I am today than I have ever been. I have loads of confidence in myself and in my future and know that I will be happy no matter what happens between us. Bottom line is that the love I have for you is waiting to be unleashed, whether it is as my lover or as my friend I am ready. I do understand that you may not be ready, which is exactly why I have decided to back off and give you the space to figure things out on your own. I don’t want to feel like I am persuading you or convincing you to come back to me. I want you to make that decision on your own! I don’t want to be pushy and overwhelming. So my stance today, as it has been for about 2 weeks now, is to just give you space and keep working on myself.
