Is my wife a lesbian - revisited (Part 1) piterek: I was searching online to get some answers to my problem and found this website. Back in 2005, one individual posted a message wanting to know if his wife was a lesbian. His story sounded very familiar as I am going through the same problem. However, my circumstances are a bit different, so I would like to get everyone's input. This is going to be a long story. But I have to give you all the particulars so that you can understand it better. Right now, I want to remain anonymous, so I'm going to leave out some details. I can only say that I'm originally from a country in Europe, but have been living here for over 20 yrs. I'm now 33. I met her online in a lesbian chat room of all places! I was single and curious and did it just for fun. Innocent fun that turned in to something more. This was a chat room for people from our country. She was actually here in the US, but on a student visa. We somehow started talking and became friends. I think of myself as an open-minded person, so I did not see a problem with this and never thought that this "friendship" was going to turn into something more - considering the circumstances. As time past, she opened up to me and started telling me that she is also actually attracted to men. She started telling me how nicely built guys always turned her on. At that point she has never been with a man, but has had sex with women on many occasions. From what she told me, she just never met the right guy that would interest her, but she had no problem experimenting with women. Coming from a religious family and admitting that she herself was quite religious, it appeared to me that she might either have been going through a phase, or was simply very confused about her sexuality. In any case, this friendship continued for about several months until she had to go home. This was her first time being away from home and parents, so she felt very liberated having all this freedom to do whatever she wanted. As you might guess, she was not happy to be going back.
Ok, I'm writing a novel here, so I'll try to get to the point. After several months I decided to visit her and we hit it off. She said that her feelings for women started fading after she met me and our relationship started to grow. Subsequently, I visited her several times. One thing led to another and the rest is history as they say. ;) So, I was her first man and she couldn't be happier. She broke off with her girlfriend and committed herself to me. When I went back to the US I was in love and felt like this was it. I had no doubts - this felt right for the first time in my life. So, strangely enough, I proposed to her over the phone and she accepted. Her parents were definitely relieved and overjoyed as you can imagine! I started working on getting a fiance visa for her so she can come to the US. Everything worked great, she came here, we got married and everything was peachy until several months passed.
A little more background info. For almost 10 months prior to our marriage and her coming here, I lost my job and could not find any work. About a month after we got married I finally found a job. But this was a new job and it was a bit stressful. Since I was unemployed for such a long time I had to give up my apartment and move in with my Mom. This wasn’t the best situation to live at home while being married, but at the time there was no choice. So, not only did I have to put up with stress from a new job, coming home tired, but also I had to deal with pressure from my wife to move out as soon as possible. I understood her concerns and agreed with her. Heck, I wouldn’t want to live with my in-laws either. They’re great people, but everyone knows how that is. So, all this stress started affecting me physically. This is a bit embarrassing, but let’s just say that my sex drive started going downhill. Of course, at that time I did not think that this was stress related, but that there was something physically wrong with me. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening. But, instead of facing the issue head-on, I chose to ignore it, thinking that everything will somehow fix itself. So, our levels of intimacy started getting worse and worse. She brought up the issue occasionally, but it was always just talk.
I'm running out of space. To be continued...
Re: Is my wife a lesbian - revisited (Part 2) piterek: Part 2...
So, things started to just pile up. First, it was the stress issue that went unanswered, then other things started happening. My wife started acting and dressing less and less feminine. Always tasteful, but it was definitely different than what I was used to. Even my mother noticed it and started to comment on it. She started to dress more sporty and masculine. Cut her hair very short. Combine this with a more aggressive and rebellious attitude – it started to affect me. Whatever sex life we had left, was almost non-existent. I became less and less attracted to her. Even when I mentioned my dislikes, her responses were careless and defiant. I finally started to notice that something was not right. She started to comment on women, how sexy and attractive a particular woman was, etc.
We finally moved out on our own, but things did not improve. Sex was rare, maybe once or twice a month at that point, and it seemed like it was not satisfying for both of us…and things got worse. At this point I became very suspicious that something was going on. She has a very bad habit of what I call internet addiction. Very frequently being online chatting with friends and meeting a lot of people online. I know what you will say...this is how we met. But this almost became an obsession for her. She was wasting a lot of valuable time and being irresponsible with our home life and neglecting her studies. She started meeting lesbians online, which she said was just for fun and purely innocent. This did not seem right to me, so I started going through her email and logging her chat room activities. I discovered a secret email account where I was able to break the password and access. I know that some of you might think this was wrong and an invasion of privacy, but under the circumstances what was I to do when she was denying everything? In any case, I found emails to a “friend” she met online. Those emails were very intimate and left nothing to the imagination. I confronted her in fury. She broke down and admitted everything. Of course, it finally came out that the reason she started thinking about women again was because of our problems. At this time, it was always my fault of course. I told her that whatever these problems are, you broke out trust. You were dishonest and I’m not sure if I can trust you again. We were mad at each other for some time, but things calmed down enough to be able to talk again. I told her that it is going to take a long time and a lot of effort for me to start trusting her again. She agreed to work on this. For a time, things improved slightly.
That year we decided to visit family in the homeland, so we took a vacation. Since I was working I could only take two weeks, she was in college and was on her summer break so she had a lot more free time. She wanted to stay about two weeks longer, so I agreed. When I went back, she used part of that time to visit that girl she met online – which she said she will no longer contact. I didn’t know this until her sister actually told me. The reason she told me is because after my wife came from vacation, she started acting very strangely like never before. She was avoiding me and barely wanted to speak. She said that she was just home sick. I did not believe that and decided to call her family to find out what was going on. My wife has a very close bond with her sister, so for her to confide something like that in me was an eye-opener. Her sister did not feel comfortable with what my wife did and decided to tell me before things got out of control. So, I confronted my wife and all hell broke loose. There was no physical violence-God forbid, but it was a war of words. I almost bought her a ticket home! She violated my trust once again! I know we had issues that needed to be worked out and that a lot of it was my fault, but this was too much. Well, we somehow got passed that. But our sex life did not recover, on an emotional and physical level it was just hard to do.
So, we just lived our lives day-to-day. Sleeping in the same bed…an occasional hug and kiss, but that’s it. We decided to buy a house together, thinking that somehow things will improve and that we can still plan our future together. And so, we come to the current situation…
...continued in Part 3....
Re: Is my wife a lesbian - revisited (Part 3) piterek: Part 3....
She told me that for the longest time she always wanted to be in the Army. Being a Tomboy while growing up, that did not surprise me. I did not want her to go to the Army. Knowing her leanings for women, and our current situation, I new this was not a good idea. Many of you might disagree with me, but the fact is that there are many homosexuals in the Armed Forces, hence, the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Policy.” I knew that this might put a further strain on our marriage. We discussed the issue briefly and for a while she stopped bugging me about it. Until she got involved in the ROTC program at out local university (she’s now a junior). I should have known what this will do. Well, the recruiters did a good job in brainwashing her, and her mind was made up. There was nothing I could do. She didn’t even want to listen to her parents.
Our original plans when she first came here to US, was that after she finished college we will go back to our home country and start a family. She doesn’t want any of it anymore – for obvious reasons probably. In any case, signing a contract with the Army for the next six years completely destroyed our plans. She was now thinking only of her own future and her own plans. It seems like there was no more “us” in any of her decisions. This is not surprising considering the situation. Around Christmas time something finally awoke within me. I finally opened my eyes and started to see what was happening. Why I waited so long I don’t know. Perhaps I was living in denial. But for over 3 yrs? Better late then never I guess….I made a promise to her that I will start working on myself. I will start going back to the gym to take care of myself physically and seek a marriage counselor to take care of myself psychologically. I started doing this. It seemed that she was glad I finally came around. But things between us did not start to change.
I could not get an appointment with a counselor until after the New Year – and that was the time that she would be shipping off to Boot Camp. I went to one session, which was an eye-opener! I let everything out. It was good to talk about this with an unbiased person. Unfortunately, my wife could squeeze in only one session the day before being shipped out. According to her and the counselor she did the same and spilled her guts. Apparently, she was very honest about herself and our situation.
But, marriage counseling is for both people, not one. So, while this is helping me out, it’s really doing nothing concrete to save our marriage, since she cannot attend. I’m working to better myself, I know my mistakes and I recognize my faults –she is running around playing soldier, oblivious to what’s going on.
Here’s where the story takes an even more interesting turn. I pay all the bills, so when the cell phone bill came in I was very surprised on how big it was – twice what it has been on average. So, I started to investigate what was going on. Apparently, and I didn’t even know it was humanly possible; she did almost 1000 text messages!!! Yes sir, that’s one thousand. I could not believe it. It was both funny and sad at the same time. I thought, well, maybe it’s because of the holidays and because she has many friends. So, not to be surprised on the future bill, I logged in to Cingular’s website to check current usage. Well, she was now in the Army going through this intense training, who knew that she would have time to call or use her cell phone! Apparently, they now even allow you to take your cell phone to Basic – interesting! In any case, the last call I received from her was on January 15 to say that she is ok, and that for the first week she was in what they call “Reception Battalion” going through additional tests and other administrative crap. And now, the next day January 16, she will be heading off to her Platoon to do the real stuff. Well, according to the current call records, on January 15, she made 15 additional phone calls -several to one phone number. Few more calls the next day to the same number, and even one or two more calls at the end of last week. I thought that this was a bit strange. Who was this person that was so important for her to be calling so many times during a time when she is supposed to be going through such intense training? I was also surprised that since she did in fact have some time, she did not bother to call me.
...continued in Part 4
Re: Is my wife a lesbian - revisited (Part 1) piterek: So, I decide to call her cell phone and check her voice mail. Well, what I heard almost dropped me to my knees! It was a very passionate voice, with a British accent, telling my wife how she misses her, how she cannot stop thinking about her, how she reminisces about the great time they spent together during several lunches. She also indicated how she hopes that things between them work out after she comes back from Basic because she misses her so much and she is an incredible person. I though my heart was going to explode. I was at work at that time, so this made it very difficult for me to concentrate the rest of the day. I did not even think twice and automatically called that number to get to the bottom of this. The girl picked up, yes British accent, sounded very sexy indeed. I told her who I was and presented her the whole situation. Of course she denied everything saying that she is engaged to a guy and that they are just friends and met on campus. But there was no doubt in my mind – those messages told the whole story. You’d have to stupid and naïve to think otherwise.
I was angry, so I text her several messages and left several voice mails. The next day, I cooled off and could think a bit straighter now. I called and left another message, this time with a calm voice I explained that it is unfair of her to continue this charade. She needs to make up her mind…does she want to fight for us and our marriage, or is she totally convinced that she is a lesbian and she wants to be with women only. I told her that I realized my mistakes and as promised, I’m working on bettering myself, but she left under such circumstances leaving so much unresolved business for the next several months without any way to talk to her on a regular basis. I demanded that she be completely honest with me because it made no sense to continue to suffer like this. This was not fair and I told her that she was running away from her (our) problems. I told her that I understood why this happened but it gives her no excuse to continue this deception.
I called her parents the next day. They freaked out because they thought that there was still hope for us. Her parents are going through an emotional breakdown now. So, I mailed her a letter, explaining everything in great details, our problems, and what we need to do to fix them, if she wants them fixed. I reiterated again the things that I mentioned in the previous voice mail. That the decision lies in her hands; that she needs to be honest with me, her family, and herself.
So, this is my story. Thing is, as of today 1/26/2007, she still does not know anything that has transpired within the last few days. According to the current phone records, she has not made any calls or text messages since 1/19. I guess she’s going to be very shocked once she gets a letter from me and her parents. I know that she is going through very intense training in Army. That it’s tough on her physically and mentally, and that she should only receive positive and uplifting letters. But, what was I to do? Suffer in silence for the next four months? This would drive me insane. I’m going through a very tough time, can barely eat, am very tense, have trouble sleeping, etc. Thank God my Mom has been very supportive! This is going to be an interesting meeting tomorrow with the marriage counselor. So what do you guys think? I would appreciate any comments, opinions, and suggestions. :(
Re: Is my wife a lesbian - revisited (Part 1) Fendann: ....wow.....
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through hell like this. Unfortunately, I can't even think of any single thing to try and console you....Welcome to Ojar, and I'm sorry that you've found us like this.
.....they don't let soldiers have cell phones in the US Military basic training programs...believe me, I know...
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