Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... Heatherann623: Here's my story:
I am currently “legally” married; separated now for almost 5 months. He's a man I met when I was 18 [he was 21"> . Fast forward 18 years, 16 years of them married. We have a 15 yo daughter and a 12 yo son. We both work full time jobs. [I have since formally filed for divorce mid-December 2006.">
He was abusive both physically and mentally to my cats, and I later realized indirectly to me as well, because he knew how much I love my cats that that was his way of hurting me much deeper and longer-lasting than any type of abuse he could do to me [this has happened within the last 3-5 years or so"> . He seemed to always keep me confused and told me I was crazy; that I was imagining things; making a big deal out of nothing; he chose to masturbate to pornos instead of spending time with me in bed; was emotionally distant and withholding of affection; never celebrated my successes, or my new haircuts; always being disrespectful, distant and dispassionate towards me - oh, the list goes on and on …
I was tired of his psychological abuse and emotional neglect and narcissism [which didn’t come to light until WAY AFTER he left - I now have a name for what it was that he was doing all these years that had me so confused all the time"> . I called him one morning and angrily told him “I’ve had it up to here! One of us has got to go - and it ain’t gonna be me who moves out ……..” I packed up his stuff and left it in the kitchen for him to vacate as soon as possible.
I, almost immediately, regretted my decision when I threw him out. [This was BEFORE I was self-educated and realized what he was doing."> I told him how I felt and that I wasn’t really thinking straight. I told him I wanted him to stay/come back and work things out - we really needed some serious help, and we should consider counseling. He refused; saying that he hadn’t loved me for over 10 years [!"> and that, even though he cared about me, he wanted a divorce. I was floored.
To Be continued .....
Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... Part 2 Heatherann623: Continued from previous post:
We had almost divorced after I discovered his affair in December 1999. He begged me to stay and he would do his best to make things work. We had counseling, and we went thru the catholic church and renewed our wedding vows in October 2001. When I asked him why, [after claiming no love feelings for me for over 10 years,"> back then, he begged me to stay, he replied “Well, the kids were younger then ………” and when I asked him why he had gone thru with the vow renewal, he replied “I thought, ‘why the hell not?’ [as if he had nothing better to do"> ”
I found out later that, during the time period between my kicking him out and him actually leaving [10 day period"> , he had consulted a lawyer right away. All while telling the kids that he thought that it would be a good idea for he and I to give each other some space to try to figure out if we really loved each other and wanted to be together.
2 months later, I get uncontested papers in the mail and he wants me to sign all my rights away, and that we could use his attorney, and “it wouldn’t cost him $200/hour to get this over with”. I told him no way, I wasn’t stupid, and that I was entitled to get my questions answered by my own attorney, and find out what I am entitled to. So I retained my own lawyer. He was not happy about that. BUT HE NEVER HAD THE PAPERS FILED IN COURT - he had PLENTY of time and opportunity to do that. I think he realized that he could attempt to control me via visitation and child support; and if there’s no court order, he doesn’t have to pay support.
But his other behaviors are SO PUZZLING - for someone who wants this divorce so badly, he sure has been dragging his feet and behaving in odd, contradictory ways, i.e., THE NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER -- will not discuss ANYTHING with me re: the kids or support [that's all we have to talk about at this point, anyway..."> ; wanting to know where I am when he has the kids in his care; avoiding my phone calls to discuss visitation or inquire about where the hell my child support check is [he calls the children directly to make arrangements for his visitation"> ; always insulting me, saying I’m a bad parent and I’m irresponsible, etc.; asking me to meet him for coffee to “discuss a few things - don’t worry, I’m not OJ” - and yet, will change his mind at the last minute and tell me there’s nothing to discuss. I came across a CD my daughter borrowed from him - it was, she said, “his angry CD, as he calls it” - with songs mostly about a man who is so deep in despair over his broken relationship: songs like, MUDVAYNE’s “Forget To Remember” and “Happy?”; MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)”; NICKELBACK “Savin’ Me”; an assortment of The Fray songs; METALLICA Welcome Home (Sanitarium) ….. just to give you an example.
Well - as much as I would have hoped to work on this [I currently have changed my mind for good"> , I went ahead and had my attorney file the petition so we can get an emergency order of support - no one fucks with the well-being of my children, their biological father included.
Let me also add to all this info the fact that I KNOW I was not an angel thru this entire relationship - I cheated in the spring of 1998, then again in the summer of 1999 [while, revealed later, he was in a year-long relationship concurrently!"> and I spent more nights out with the girls than I should have, but I always came home to him. And, I know I could have been a better wife, mother, etc. Realistically and by being brutally honest, I KNOW the mistakes I made, and have opened my eyes to my faults. I am truly a work-in-progress with my changes, but I am changing for the better. He, on the other hand, thinks he has done no wrong, and he doesn’t need to change.
I have told him that I am all for the divorce now – but his behavior is getting WORSE and his meddling family doesn’t help.
Believe me – this summary is only the tip of the iceberg of my situation …..
Anyone have any thoughts/opinions about all this? I could use some views on this. Thanks!
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... Part 2 wizer_now: [quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
he chose to masturbate to pornos instead of spending time with me in bed; was emotionally distant and withholding of affection; never celebrated my successes, or my new haircuts; always being disrespectful, distant and dispassionate towards me - oh, the list goes on and on …
[/quote">
All potentially fixable with counseling, had you given it a chance, and possibly told him how you felt about all of it, instead of letting it build to the breaking point. Lack of communication.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
I was tired of his psychological abuse and emotional neglect and narcissism [which didn’t come to light until WAY AFTER he left -
[/quote">
How could you be tired of it if it came to light AFTER he left?
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
I packed up his stuff and left it in the kitchen for him to vacate as soon as possible.
[/quote">
Why didn't YOU leave, if you were the one who "had enough"?
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
I, almost immediately, regretted my decision when I threw him out.
[/quote">
You sound like you react impulsively, without giving thought to your actions.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
He refused; saying that he hadn’t loved me for over 10 years [!"> and that, even though he cared about me, he wanted a divorce. I was floored.
[/quote">
Can you blame him? You freak'en through him out of his house!
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
We had almost divorced after I discovered his affair in December 1999. He begged me to stay and he would do his best to make things work.
[/quote">
Well, he's at fault here, for sure, but he offered to try to work things out. That's worth something.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
I found out later that...he had consulted a lawyer right away.
[/quote">
Can you blame him? You freak'en threw him out of his house!
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
2 months later, I get uncontested papers in the mail and he wants me to sign all my rights away... I retained my own lawyer.
[/quote">
You did the right thing, that time.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
But his other behaviors are SO PUZZLING he sure has been dragging his feet and behaving in odd, contradictory ways, i.e., THE NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER -- will not discuss ANYTHING with me re: the kids or support... wanting to know where I am when he has the kids in his care; avoiding my phone calls to discuss visitation or inquire about where the hell my child support check is...always insulting me, saying I’m a bad parent and I’m irresponsible, etc.; ...will change his mind at the last minute
[/quote">
He wants to avoid contact with you. That's probably best for everyone considering the level of hostilities. It's best that the two of you limit your contact.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
songs mostly about a man who is so deep in despair over his broken relationship
[/quote">
Sounds like he isn't over you, and is simply reacting to your aggressive actions.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
I know I could have been a better wife, mother, etc.
[/quote">
Well, that's a good start. It will help you next time around.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448936#msg448936 date=1169926187">
I have told him that I am all for the divorce now
[/quote">
Good idea. It would appear that you guys are finished.
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... crushedman: From your post it's tough to guage what is actually going on here. My first comment is that you are most likely wrong about him being a narssisist. It's been a hobby of mine to study this personality trait, and someone that is narsissistic would NOT show remorse and regret for having and affair. Second, based on what you've posted it doesn't seem that he is 'abusive'. But I'll say that it depends on what exactly he's done to the cats. If he is truly hurting them, that is sadistic and I would agree with you. But keep in mind cats are incredibly strong animals for their size. Messing around with them by throwing them, or tugging on their tales, wrestling with them, mostly will NOT hurt them and it's possible you and your husband have differences of opinion about what is appropriate and what is not.
RE- your husbands behaviour: it is pretty clear to me that he is hurting right now. Until you've been left by a spouse, you have no idea how bad it can get for someone left behind. His emotions are probably all over the place, and his behaviour will mirror those emotions.
My advice is to try and get him back home, go to counseling, and try to work out your differences. Divorce SUCKS. It will destroy your kids. They will never, ever be the same. It will wreak havoc on your finances (something that you are catching a glimpse of already). Also, based on your posts, you seem disproportionately angry over certain actions/inactions. It's most likely a product of transient emotions. In laments terms, if you divorce it's almost certain that you will regret it later.
Good luck.
cm
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... wizer_now: [quote author=crushingman link=topic=40541.msg448948#msg448948 date=1169928626"> it depends on what exactly he's done to the cats.
[/quote">
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I was going to ask.
What the heck did he do to the cats?
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