Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... Heatherann623: wizer_now said:
All potentially fixable with counseling, had you given it a chance, and possibly told him how you felt about all of it, instead of letting it build to the breaking point. Lack of communication.
Yes, I had given it a chance ... many times, over many years. HE'S the one who never wanted to go to counseling! I told him all the time how I felt; he dismissed me all the time, saying I was imagining things. I was the communicator, not him.
wizer_now said:
How could you be tired of it if it came to light AFTER he left?
If you had read my post, you would understand that I didn't put a name to the abuse until AFTER he was gone. I know that I'd had enough; what it was that I'd had enough of, I couldn't put a finger on until I understood what the abuse was and how it builds over time, gradually, until you are so enmeshed in it you have a hard time recognizing it for what it is. How can someone you love treat you that way?? That's the underlying issue here.
wizer_now said:
Why didn't YOU leave, if you were the one who "had enough"?
Because I wasn't the one creating the friction and the excuses and the abuse. That's why. Why should I have to be the one to leave? He had many an opportunity to work on our relationship -- he CHOSE not to, so he's the one who had to go. I gave him PLENTY of opportunity, and I had been PATIENT for many, many years.
wizer_now said:
You sound like you react impulsively, without giving thought to your actions.
Granted, it may have been an impulsive decision TO DO IT THAT DAY, but it had been one that culminating for a very long time, AND WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY. I don't regret that decision now; it's the best one I could have made for myself and for my children.
wizer_now said:
Can you blame him? You freak'en through him out of his house!
First of all it wasn't "his" residence, it was "our" residence. Why should I disrupt the lives of the children when he's the one who refused to work on our relationship? This response only makes me wonder if you're still bitter about your prior situation .....
wizer_now said:
Well, he's at fault here, for sure, but he offered to try to work things out. That's worth something.
That was back in 1999 - SEVEN years ago -- again, did you not read my post?? He admitted he FRAUDULENTLY offered to work things out because "the kids were younger then ....." Nothing had changed; he was still the same person who did not work things out with me even after he said he would!
I love how your tone suggests that, even though I was the one being psychologically abused and emotionally neglected, that I AM AT FAULT HERE - like I CAUSED the situation or brought this upon myself. THAT COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. If you knew me, you would know just how much of a giving, accepting, loving person I am, and, even after all of this, I am still kind and considerate in nature.
Thank you for taking the time to view and comment on my post.
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... Heatherann623: Abusive to my cats in the following forms:
Stepping on their necks to hold them down, perhaps to force them into submission of him
Snapping towels at them, either making contact or not, just for the folly of “hearing them hiss and spit …. it’s hysterical!” Those were his actual words!
Chasing them around the house, cornering them and threatening them with an object;
Threats to me that “maybe one day I’ll poison them …..”
Throwing objects at them, for no reason — he was particularly fond of throwing shoes at them;
Not allowing the cats access to certain parts of the house, because “I just don’t want them in here, and they are not allowed to sit with you if I’m here”
Shall I go on????
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... wizer_now: Heather,
I'm suggesting it's both your faults. It's NEVER (to carefully use that absolute word) the fault of ONE spouse.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081"> HE'S the one who never wanted to go to counseling!
>>How could you be tired of it if it came to light AFTER he left?
[/quote">
I guess it's how you worded it. And I didn't see anything in your first post about you suggesting counseling.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081">
Because I wasn't the one creating the friction...Why should I have to be the one to leave?
[/quote">
You are the one who wanted out. It takes two to create friction.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081">
wizer_now said:
You sound like you react impulsively, without giving thought to your actions.
Granted, it may have been an impulsive decision TO DO IT THAT DAY, but it had been one that culminating for a very long time, AND WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN EVENTUALLY. I don't regret that decision now
[/quote">
You regretted it, then you didn't regret it, what will happen next week?
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081">
First of all it wasn't "his" residence, it was "our" residence. Why should I disrupt the lives of the children when he's the one who refused to work on our relationship?
[/quote">
Because you were the one who wanted out.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081">
This response only makes me wonder if you're still bitter about your prior situation .....
[/quote">
I certainly am, and that's an excellent point Heather. Same thing happened to me. But I'm nice to cats...
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081">
I love how your tone suggests that I AM AT FAULT HERE - like I CAUSED the situation or brought this upon myself.
[/quote">
I think that BOTH of you are at fault. You are blaming him for everything, or at least most of it.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448954#msg448954 date=1169929081">
Thank you for taking the time to view and comment on my post.
[/quote">
You're quite welcome.
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... wizer_now: [quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448955#msg448955 date=1169929308">
Abusive to my cats in the following forms:
Stepping on their necks to hold them down, perhaps to force them into submission of him
[/quote">
That's abuse and should not be tolerated.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448955#msg448955 date=1169929308">
Snapping towels at them, either making contact or not, just for the folly of “hearing them hiss and spit …. it’s hysterical!”
[/quote">
That's also abuse. Not acceptable.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448955#msg448955 date=1169929308">
Chasing them around the house, cornering them and threatening them with an object;
[/quote">
Abuse. Unless the object is cat food.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448955#msg448955 date=1169929308">
Threats to me that “maybe one day I’ll poison them …..”
[/quote">
Threats to you cannot be considered abuse to cats. They don't understand.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448955#msg448955 date=1169929308">
Throwing objects at them, for no reason — he was particularly fond of throwing shoes at them;
[/quote">
Abuse. Especially if he's on target.
[quote author=Heatherann623 link=topic=40541.msg448955#msg448955 date=1169929308">
Not allowing the cats access to certain parts of the house, because “I just don’t want them in here, and they are not allowed to sit with you if I’m here”
[/quote">
That's not abuse.
Re: Psychological Abuse? Emotional Neglect? Name it for what it is ..... crushedman: Heather-
Based on your posts, I can definetely see why you are angry. You're fed up, and have some good reasons to be. But I don't agree that the marriage is not salvagable. Check out this article and tell me if you see any correlation:
Did you know that of the over one million marriages that will end in divorce this year, two thirds to three quarters of those divorces will be filed for by women? What is this so-called, "Walk-away Wife" syndrome all about?
In the early years of marriage, women are the relationship caretakers. They carefully monitor their relationships to make sure there is enough closeness and connection. If not, women will do what they can to try to fix things. If their husbands aren't responsive, women become extremely unhappy and start complaining about everything under the sun... things that need to get done around the house, responsibilities pertaining to the children, how free time is spent and so on. Unfortunately, when women complain, men generally retreat and the marriage deteriorates even more.
After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.
While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day." Unfortunately, her husband views his wife's silence as an indication that "everything is fine." After all, the "nagging" has ceased. That's why, when she finally breaks the news of the impending divorce, her shell-shocked partner replies, "I had no idea you were unhappy."
Then, even when her husband undergoes real and lasting changes, it's often too late. The same impenetrable wall that for years shielded her from pain, now prevents her from truly recognizing his genuine willingness to change. The relationship is in the danger zone.
If you are a woman who fits this description, please don't give up. I have seen so many men make amazing changes once they truly understand how unhappy their wives have been. Sometimes men are slow to catch on, but when they do, their determination to turn things around can be astounding. I have seen many couples strengthen their marriages successfully even though it seemed an impossible feat. Give your husband another chance. Let him prove to you that things can be different. Keep your family together. Divorce is not a simple answer. It causes unimaginable pain and suffering. It takes an enormous amount of energy to face each day. Why not take this energy and learn some new skills and make your marriage what you've wanted it to be for so long?
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