Hard to tell who left first...Pt. 2 siqtde:
He moved out in late summer, and we've been apart ever since- sort of. He still calls everyday for some reason, usually to tell our daughter goodnight, but finds a way to have a reason to talk to me as well. He says he is ready to work on things, but he's only been to a counselor twice since August. And truthfully, I just don't want to be married to him anymore. I had to close off my emotions to survive his rude and disrespectful ways so that I wouldn't get hurt, and now I feel I've been out of this relationship for a while. Actually, we've been getting along better now than we have in years, although I feel some of that comes from him being on "good behavior" in the hopes that I'll change my mind about all of this. What hurts is that he hopes we still have a shot, and I haven't quite figured out how to tell him it really is over...for good. I feel that we've grown apart, and that even though I am no longer the same girl from 10 years ago, he has not changed much since then. I don't harbor any resentments, and I have no plans to "get back at him". I just want this to be over, a peaceful parting of ways. We will always be in each other's lives, due to sharing a child, and I am fine with that, as long as he understands that it really and truly is over, and as much as it may hurt to admit, he has himself to thank for that. I tried for years to see this through, but I cannot go on being unhappy on the inside just to keep him happy.
So here I am, trying to sell our house, working full time, going to school full time, and taking care of my half of our enormous debts, as well as raising my daughter. I'm starting over. I've been alone for so very long, (couldn't have too many friends, and always got flack whenever I did go out. It was easier to stay home) that although I'm not on the dating scene (since technically I'm still married) I long to meet someone special someday. A friend of mine recommended this site to me, and it's taken me a while to get up the nerve to come in (if you recognize this story, you know who you are. Hey girl!)
I'm trying very hard to stay strong, and I pray everyday for the strength to go on. But I'm getting so tired, and being alone for so long as I have has really been hard for me. My self-esteem suffers, the lonliness is very hard to take at times, and there just seems to be nothing but a very hard road in front of me. I know things will get better, but I feel things will get worse before then. However, I am very blessed to have a very supportive family and an ever-growing circle of outside support. I will get through this, I just don't know how...just writing all of this down is extremely painful for me...
Re: Hard to tell who left first...Pt. 2 wizer_now: Most if the stories on this site are somewhat similar. Your story is different for one obvious reason. Your husband has a disability that contributed, if not caused, the problems that ended your marriage.
You're probably feeling a lot of guilt that you put him out of the house, especially because he's unable to properly care for himself. That's an understandable reaction, and I really don't have an answer for it, except that it isn't your responsibility to be his nurse-maid. Or is it, since you married him knowing that he had this disability. I'm not being judgemental here, it's a tough moral dilemma.
He apparently was afraid of losing his only support that he had in his life, and he tried so hard to hold onto you that he pushed you away. It was a fairly predictable outcome based on the scenario as you presented it.
It does sound like he is on "good behavior" in the hopes of winning you back. What are his other options? He's going to have a tough time meeting anyone else, considering his disability. It surprises me that he didn't try harder, although it probably would not have made a difference, except maybe you would have felt even more guilty...
I can totally relate to the way you feel, if that makes you feel any better. Tough situation. Good luck to you.
BTW- your two posts are going to get separated. You can copy and paste the first post in front of the second post (you need to "modify" the second post in order to do that).
Re: Hard to tell who left first...Pt. 2 siqtde: Yes, I have been somewhat wracked with the guilt for a while. When I first met him, he was actually very indepedent, driving, going out with friends, etc. As his sight deteriorated, so did his attitude. The only thing I actually "have" to take care of for him is to drive him somewhere, so no, it's not my job to be his nursemaid. It's never been his blindness that has contributed to the end of this marriage, it's been his attitude towards me, our daughter, and my family. They took it because of me, but they are pretty glad this happened (even though they don't say so).
He is actually being very well taken care of, he has moved in with a relative who is more than happy to cater to his whims. Which is not good for him, he needs to learn to become more independent. But that's not for me to say any longer, I guess. He is quite capable of things. He is now taking the bus (the one that will pick him up at his door) by himself, to get to work and back, and he has some mother hens clucking over him at work who take him out for lunches and things on the weekend.
He knows his options, he knows what he can do to get around, he's just more comfortable being taken care of. I hope he gets out of that soon.
Thanks for your input (and I'll try fixing the posts, I'm new so I'll try not to screw it up!) :)
*I tried, but it said my post was over the character limit (I guess I'm just too wordy!)
Re: Hard to tell who left first...Pt. 2 wizer_now: [quote author=siqtde link=topic=40551.msg449109#msg449109 date=1169944576">
*I tried, but it said my post was over the character limit (I guess I'm just too wordy!)
[/quote">
Ok, then post it as a response in this thread, and I will delete and repost my response so it won't be in the middle of your two posts.
Re: Hard to tell who left first...Pt. 2 siqtde: I've been married to my stbxh for almost 10 years. I got married young, and although I had a lot of male friends, I didn't date very much at all before that. I lived a pretty sheltered life.
My husband started losing his sight while we were dating, and even then, he tried to push me away from the marriage, saying I didn't deserve to have to take care of a blind man, that I could do better. But I was in love, and his disability never bothered me, so we got married, and things were okay- at first.
He would constantly say little things to me, and later say he was "just kidding". Always telling me one thing, then another. How I needed to learn how to listen to him more, I needed to pay more attention to things, yet telling me I was the best thing to ever happen to him, how he just couldn't go on without me. You get the idea, constant head games. Still I stayed, excusing his verbal barbs as that was "just the way he was". Even in front of relatives, and later, our child, and still I let it happen. His controlling behavior continually got worse, he would call my cell, or whoever's house I was in nearly every half hour to see what I was up to and where I was. He says it was because he worries about me being alone and getting home safe, I say it's his need to always be in control. He would be rude, snippy, downright disrespectful to me, and to our daughter.
For the last couple of years, things really got bad. I told him I wanted counseling. He said no, it would mean we were admitting we had a problem, and if we really wanted to work it out, we could try to work it out ourselves. Well guess what, that didn't work either. Our daily routine would consist of getting up, going to work (and we work together, so we are ALWAYS around each other) and coming home, where he would put on his headphones and want to be left alone the rest of the day. Affection was nonexistent, days would go by without so much as a good morning hug or kiss. He shut me out. After a while, I grew so unattached to him that it didn't even bother me that we hadn't had any (and I mean any) physical contact for almost 3 years. Yep, you heard me, years.
My marriage has been over for years, but I didn't have the strength to end it. But I saw no happy future in it either. This was it. This was the way it was always going to be, him completely dependent on me for everything, and yet, not appreciating any of it. Finally one day, I had had enough. I told him I wanted some space to think things over. He didn't want to leave. Not because he was scared of losing me, but because he didn't know who was going to take care of him! He tried to guilt-trip me out of it, saying that our daughter didn't deserve to live in a broken home, never minding that he just wanted her out of his way most of the time. Don't get me wrong, I know he loves her, but he sorely lacks in parenting skills. And I refuse to have my daughter subjected to any more than what she's already been through.
***(Thanks, WN!)***
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