a not so pretty epiphany renovatingwalker: I posted my story once before, I will ultimately be a leaver, not a leavee, so I am not such a sympathetic newbie. But the site says divorce and breakup support so I'm giving it another try. We have had years of therapy, years of unhappiness. He is not a good husband or a good father. His behavior with the children borders on negligence, borders on abusive at times. I have been in personal therapy to work on my issues, he refuses to acknowledge his issues. He has begged me not to leave but has swept our problems under the rug, refusing to continue couples counseling. There are no doubts that I want to leave or why, there are many doubts about why I can't seem to be able to do it, to move on. Then I had an epiphany...
I went away for an overnight alone, a birthday present to myself. I left at noontime, did some window shopping, got to the hotel, took a hot bath, poured some wine, ordered room service, read, watched tv and layed in bed. Had breakfast alone, did some more window shopping and came home to my family. The 24 hours alone were a wonderful respite, lots of time to think about what has gone wrong.
During this time I had an epiphany.
My therapist wanted to know why I hadn't told my family about how terrible our problems are, about my wanting to get a divorce but not knowing how or when. I remembered after our appointment that as a teenager my family and I used to joke that I would be the one in the family to get a divorce, that my first marriage would be for money, my second for love. I don't know if they remember that, but I do, it was painful then, it was a joke, but still painful. And now I believe it was a self fulfilling prophecy.
I don't think I married for the money, but for security, as a means to an end. Oprah said we all get married with an intention, what was my intention? I think I was at the age a woman "should" get married.
Even though we were having problems before the wedding I felt that I was too old to be starting over in a new relationship, I loved him, everyone has problems, why should we be so different. Marry him while I'm still young, have babies, everything will be fine, as fine as can be expected. My intention was to have a family, not a marriage, I think I can see that now.
The irony of course is that I'm 10 years older now and will be starting over. The irony is also that I look at other women in their 20s now and say don't marry until you're at least 30, there's so much growing and evolving left to do, but in my 20s I thought I was nearly over the hill, almost a spinster.
So, ultimately I am ashamed that at such a young age I predicted this is who I would be and that is who I became. I am ashamed because I was too weak to acknowledge at the time that I should not be marrying this man, that I was too weak to walk away, even when my mother told me I could (YES! she actually told me during the planning of our wedding that I could leave him if I wanted to).
I not only wasted 10 years of my life, but 10 years of his and everyone elses, not to mention vast amounts of money on a huge wedding that he wanted. I am hoping that now that I can acknowledge how stupid and naive I was being that I can start to make things right, find the words to tell my parents what is going on. Find the strength to write that retainer check and bring it to the attorneys office, find the time to tell my husband that I can not do this anymore.
Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 35, it was the worst birthday of my life and I don't want to spend another one like that. My life is a lie and I want to start over and be honest and authentic for the first time in as long as I can remember.
Re: a not so pretty epiphany Spike: You have seen what needs to done, now, do it properly! Tell him first, everything, just as you have here. Then tell the kids! make sure they know it's not their fault, and that they are still loved and cared for. Then get all your affairs in order, and go.
Grieve, it's important. No matter how bad it's been, it is a chapter closing, and deserves grief.
Come here and vent, ask, and be supported.
Best of luck
Re: a not so pretty epiphany PrincessKapow: First of all, happy birthday ... and congratulations on making difficult realizations.
Please don't look at those 10 years as a waste; they weren't. Read back through your post and look at all the lessons you have learned. Also, you have children, for which I am sure you are thankful.
And you refer to yourself as the "leaver," but it sounds to me that the only leaving you're doing is physical. It sounds as if your husband is the true leaver, emotionally and otherwise. You are being the brave one, the smart one, the one doing the right thing for yourself and your children.
You may not feel this way, but 35 is YOUNG. I'll be 35 this May, and there's so much I'm looking forward to that I probably wouldn't be doing if I were still living with my stbxh. Be thankful that you are doing what you need to be doing now, instead of 10 or 20 years from now.
Please be kind to yourself and try to live without regrets. I truly believe that life unfolds as it should and that most everything happens for a reason.
Hang in there and have courage and faith as you work toward leading an authentic life.
Re: a not so pretty epiphany trapped: A happy belated birhtday to you..............may this year be better.
Hugs.
Re: a not so pretty epiphany tryingtosmile: Hi renovating,
Nothing we do in life is a "waste", it is all a learning experience! It sounds like you have really grown and done alot of reflecting on how you reached the point that you are at today. The good news is that you can take this learning experience and use it to make smarter decisions for yourself in the future. Everything that you have experienced in the past 10 years has brought you to today. It is what makes you...you. Your epiphany may not be "pretty" in your eyes, but I would say that it is very mature. :)
Happy Belated Birthday!...and as they say, "age is just a number". Every year as I turn another year older, I try to remember that life is a gift. There are many people out there who would have loved to have had the chance to turn 35, but who never made it that far. So try to look at it as another year of life and opportunity. We only get one chance, and we never know when our time will be up, so make the most of every day that you are given. :)
One of my favorite quotes: "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift..that's why we call it the "present"!
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