wife katbuttkid: To the Wife of the MM I knew:
Take care of your husband. I know you're going through some stuff, and I know you do what you can regarding him. But you should also know he's not happy, and he needs you. He misses you and the connection you used to have together. Maybe he's told you this, but you didn't realize it was serious.
I know it seems silly, and as a woman, I am sure this viewpoint is not very feminist of me, but he's a man and needs some loving. It's a small price to pay for keeping him happy, isn't it?
He's been good to you, and I know you love each other. But intimacy is important to keeping that connectedness alive.
Also, in menopause, there's a "use it or lose it" component to sex drive and function. If you don't start using it now, even some, you stand a greater chance of not getting it back.
Look, none of this is my business. Your husband is a friend of mine, and he came to me needing help. I would be concerned, if I were his wife, about the apartment he has out of town, and how much time he spends there. Where are you? You better start participating and having more of an interest in his life.
I hope this doesn't offend you, but gives you the opportunity to help your marriage. He seems like a nice man who is waiting for you to take the lead. I hate to see couples grow furhter apart, or live lies.
Re: wife - To sister-in-law Topaz: Dear sister-in-law,
I really get how angry and hurt you still are that your father left your mother. But please don't take it out on my brother. You won't make things better by nagging him or bossing him around or trying to make him feel guilty. You will only alienate someone who's very gentle and caring who really adores you.
I don't know why, but you seem to be opposed to pleasure. Sometimes the word that comes to mind is puritanical. Maybe it's because of your dad cheating on your mom. Maybe you think you can avoid the problems that sex and sexuality brings by simply avoiding sex and sexuality. Yes, I know you're a feminist, but you're alive, you're a woman, you're young - it's really okay to laugh about it and to celebrate it, isn't it?
Love me
Re: wife katbuttkid: Hey,
I like what you did with the thread.
I keep learning more about marriage... and being a wife. The things I wish I knew when I was married that could ahve helped.
Pitfalls to watch out for, things to make a difference, things that are obvious now that weren't at the time.
Hmmm.
Re: wife Topaz: [quote author=tree link=topic=40580.msg450432#msg450432 date=1170112394">
I keep learning more about marriage... and being a wife. The things I wish I knew when I was married that could ahve helped.
[/quote">
Yes! That's my lesson right now, too.
The other piece is picking people who we subconsciously recognize will allow us to act out on old behaviors and unhealed parts of ourselves. That's the part that seems a little more mysterious. The part that scares me more.
Like in the case of my sister-in-law: I think she picked my brother because they both have issues with their dads. She picked someone she could control. That's not all bad. My brother really gets it about being a good partner and being a good dad. But he'll make little wry comments about her being a planner to the extreme, nothing too nasty, just enough to know that she holds the reins tightly. And that works for my brother to an extent - he doesn't want her to leave him like our mom left us [death"> .
But there is a tension between them, and a distinct lack of "juice". They're
very asexual, the way they dress, the way they behave. As much as I love them, sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out with the Keebler elves when I'm with them - busy, self-sufficient, thrifty, but somehow lacking zestiness.
Oh well, that's just me, projecting on to them. But I think there's still something to be learned from my projections.
