Re: Feeling hopeless wizer_now: He tells you that the marriage is over, and refuses to listen to you, and he has basically shut you out of his life. And this continues, day after day...?
If you know the marriage is over, and the pain is too difficult to deal with, then perhaps you should take the initiative. Get yourself to see an attorney, and take steps to move on by yourself. Why wait for him and perpetuate the torture until such time as he decides to act?
And if for some reason, his actions are irrational, and he doesn't mean it...or he's going through some sort of inner crisis and is taking it out on you...well, sending divorce papers his way will certainly bring him back to reality. Just because you file doesn't mean it necessarily has to be over, but at the very least you're giving him a hard nudge and letting him know you're not going to just sit there and take the emotional abuse, for that is exactly what it is.
Feeling hopeless lgv: I am so upset. I have been so patient, so understanding, trying my hardest to shift things to a different direction. Last week I wrote him a letter, a long letter reminding him about the commitment he made when we got married. I am not even sure he really read the letter, more like he only browsed through it. He left it there in the pile of mail he has not opened. On Friday I finally confronted him, after 3 weeks of him not saying anything to me. I said “we need to talk.” He would not even look at me, he kept on doing stuff on the laptop and said all angry “I am busy right now.” So I ask him to talk sometime this weekend, he said he was not going to be around this weekend... well, then next weekend? “I cannot plan that far ahead. I do not know what I am going to be doing next weekend.” I stand in there, shocked. He is the one who wants to separate, he is the one that said things were beyond repair and that he has no interest in trying to work things out. I simply said to him “we cannot go on like this. We need to talk, to figure things out, to organise things. I have been patient and friendly all this time and I am in the best of dispositions. I think more than enough time has passed.” Nothing, he still staring at the monitor, saying nothing. So, I start leaving the kitchen, and finally, as I am almost gone, he angrily says that he will “let me know.”
What is going on? How can he be this way? Why, if he wants to get out of this marriage so badly, not take advantage of the opportunity when I am offering to sit down and figure things out. Why evade it? Shouldn't he be saying “great, yes, let's get this over as soon as possible.”
I am clueless, I feel so much impotence and frustration. I feel he is playing, that he is pushing me, by being rude, mean, hurtful, so I get fed up and end up being the one getting everything done, while he just simply sits there and gets away with it.
I was feeling better, I was feeling a little bit stronger. Now, everything comes back and I feel as hurt, if not even more, as the day he said our marriage was done. His anger and resentment seem to get stronger and stronger every day. He cannot stand even seeing me. How can this be the same person I love and trust? How can he be deliberately hurting me so much?
Re: Feeling hopeless craez: i totally agree with wizer. take back control! don't allow him to dictate to you when you will make decisions that affect BOTH of you. what if you don't feel like talking when he finally comes around?! you're not at his beck and call! you tell him to kiss it! file papers! like wizer said, it doesn't necessarily mean it's over. papers make great kindling.
and he is being emotionally abusive. he's definitely created a hostile home environment. don't try to figure out what happened to the wiring in his brain to make him such an A-hole. accept it at face value. if he's not man enough to talk to you about it, then he doesn't deserve a second more thought from you.
Re: Feeling hopeless tryingtosmile: hi lgv,
I agree with wizer and craez..his behavior isn't warranted and shouldn't be tolerated. No wonder you feel the way you do if he is acting like that!! Do the two of you have to live under the same roof for financial reasons? Is it his place or yours or both of yours? I think this situation would be far less painful if you didn't have to live with him and see him everyday. Considering the fact that he told you it is over and he is treating you so poorly (not even willing to TALK to you?? that is immature!) , I would go ahead and file for divorce. As was already stated, that doesn't mean that you have to go through with it. But it should force his hand. Either he signs the papers OR he will really talk to you. Either way, you deserve to be treated with respect, and he is not showing you any. Do what is best for you now, and don't take him into consideration. Because he obviously isn't taking YOU into consideration. :-\ Sorry that you have to go through all this. It is bad enough being told that a marriage is over- let alone having to live with your estranged spouse who completely ignores you. It does seem like common sense that if is done with the marriage, he would file for divorce himself. Then again, my husband left our marriage and hasn't talked to me since. He isn't doing anything about a divorce either. But I can't live in limbo land forever. I need to move forward- and so do you!
Re: Feeling hopeless lgv: Thank you for the words. I guess it is easier to bring them forward when written by others than when they are innerly hidden in the back of my very tired brain. I know I cannot go on like this. I know I cannot and should not allow him to treat me this way. He is making me turn into a weak, defeated woman, and I am NOT that. I would not allow anyone else to treat me this way, so why should I let him get away with it? Easier said than done. It drives me crazy to have the brain I have and the heart I have. They are continuously in disagreement.
We do still live together due to financial reasons. Since I originally was supposed to be studying in Europe until March, my old work place made arrangements to cover for me while I was gone. Now that I am back, I was lucky to get a few days to work, thus financially I am not doing that wonderfully. So, unfortunately, I am dependent on him.
What options do I have then? Can I have him sign a paper stating that he is committing to pay part of the rent for the apartment and his share of the bills without living here until the divorce is finalised? I want to be fair, and I had thought it a possibility for both of us to stay in the apartment, but not if his attitude is completely negative, and not if he makes me feel so uncomfortable and tense when I am home, which is supposed to be the one place that should allow me to regain my strength and relax. I doubt that he is comfortable living like this: he literally drops whatever he is doing the moment I come in, he grabs his backpack and leaves the apartment rapidly.
This is so unhealthy!
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