still more .. but finally an end.. TotallyAstray: All was well for about 2 weeks, then she went back to not giving a hoot about anything including me. SO... there I was back at square one with that part of my life again. We did councelling for about another 9 months till she said that she didn't have time for it anymore and didn't really feel like she had anything else to say.
2006 - Councelling ended in oct of 06 and ever since we have been in limbo. No sex, the odd kiss and hug, a 4 yr old girl, a 14 month old boy, good income, she only works 2 days a week from home. She doesn't like doing housework or cooking and still could care less about any needs in the relationship. There isn't any talk about going back to councelling.
2007 - I think my marriage is over, I don't know. The more i read about divorce the more I think that there is no way that it is the easy way out! But do two people stay together when only one person wants to take care of the other person. And now, I'm at a point where I don't care if we have sex anymore. I will find other things to occupy my time. We get along, but its like we are "just" friends now. And she still doesn't "want" sex or even kissing for any more than just a peck. She tells me the other day that she doesn't trust me and that she thinks I have a girlfriend. I don't even have time for one. I work 10 hrs a day 5 days a week and I drive 45 mins to and from work every morning AND this winter has had the roads in very bad condition so traffic is at an all time slow. Plus every other day, i'm at the hardware store to get stuff for the house. I only recently in dec started to get out with some guys from work and to go for a beer or coffee after work or in the evening or on the weekend.
For the past year i have done all the yard work, all the laundry, washing floors, windows, toilets walls AND manage to help change diapers, bathe the kids and even put them to bed. So my day usually ends at midnight and I'm up at 4:30 am to go to work every day since last February.
She stresses about her work (shes an accountant) and especially at month end. The last week of the month I put the kids to bed almost every night. I have also suggested that she put the kids into a day home for the 2 days a week she works to give her a break. Her sister and mother have also made the sames suggestion. Her family has been commenting for some time now about her negative attitude towards me. At Christmas she told her sister to F----off in front of the family, there was some issues there ...some tension I guess ... and she hasn't talked to her since. (She only has one sister)
January 2007 - We talked about separating, wether we want to or not.
We are both tired of councelling and the lack of anything going on in our relationship. For 2 weeks now I've been sleeping on the couch downstairs.
She has been pretty nice about things since that started, she even did 3 loads of laundry on one day and cleaned out one set of cupboards another day. (in 8 years in our house the cupboards have never been washed by her.... i do them regularly) I got a hug the other day and she kissed me in my sleep I guess.
SOOOO.... does one divorce???? or not.
Re: still more .. but finally an end.. crushedman: Man-
What a story. First things first- housework. Why in the world would you do all the housework? That's craziness. My solution to that problem would be to refuse to do ANY housework until she meets you (at least) halfway. I say at least because you work full-time, she doesn't. Or just stop paying the bills. Take away something she cares about. Second- sex. She can't really expect you to remain faithful and still not give it up- again, that's craziness. If it were me, I'd tell her point blank- either you start giving it up, or I'm getting it somewhere else. Period. Marriage is not about enlaving your partner in a sexless relationship for life.
cm
Re: still more .. but finally an end.. renovatingwalker: it is quite a roller coaster ride, this bad marriage thing, isn't it. too good to leave, too bad to stay, right? I feel for you, there are no right answers. although I think you can honestly say you've given it a fair shot, you're not rushing into a divorce if you choose to do that. why do you stay? do you love her? are you afraid of change? is it for the children? financial reasons? you spoke alot about the things that are wrong, but I wonder if you have any positive feelings for her anymore.
as for crushingman's comments, I have to disagree. if you don't want to do all the cleaning and laundry, then, sure, don't do it, do what's yours or what you're comfortable with. nobody ever died of a dirty house, believe me, this I know. I'm not ocd about cleaning but I like to sit down and get up without a blanket of dog hair on me, my husband can't find the hamper let alone the washing machine. I don't think you can cut her off financially though, that is a statement that can not be misinterpreted, that is passive aggressive and won't come to any good. it certainly won't make her want to start cleaning, believe me on this. and sex, maybe you miss it, maybe your needs aren't met, but you can't demand this either, it is not an excuse, not a good one anyway, for infidelity. when I was missing intimacy in my marriage, a hug, a hand hold, someone to see a movie with me, I couldn't just go and find another man to fulfill these basic needs of mine, sex isn't any different, sex isn't more important than meeting any other emotional or physical need. it doesn't come with a waiver or a free pass.
good luck with your difficult decision.
Re: still more .. but finally an end.. 2be: [quote author=crushingman link=topic=40596.msg449730#msg449730 date=1170068510">
Second- sex. She can't really expect you to remain faithful and still not give it up- again, that's craziness. If it were me, I'd tell her point blank- either you start giving it up, or I'm getting it somewhere else. Period.
[/quote">
What kind of nonsense is this? You're telling him to go out and cheat on his wife because she's not putting out? That's the most rediculous thing I've ever read.
It's obvious they have a lot of issues that should be worked out through counselors and good communication. Going out and cheating on your wife is NOT a solution. Sorry.. everyone goes through 'dry' spells in their relationships but a marriage is about working through those issues, not going out and getting some tail because the other partner is having some problems.
Marriage is 50/50 and it sounds to me that you're doing 90 to her 10. She needs to step up and find out what is going on... she sounds depressed to me.
Re: still more .. but finally an end.. pluscachange: [quote author=TotallyAstray link=topic=40596.msg449715#msg449715 date=1170060069">
All was well for about 2 weeks, then she went back to not giving a hoot about anything including me. SO... there I was back at square one with that part of my life again. We did councelling for about another 9 months till she said that she didn't have time for it anymore and didn't really feel like she had anything else to say.
2006 - Councelling ended in oct of 06 and ever since we have been in limbo. No sex, the odd kiss and hug, a 4 yr old girl, a 14 month old boy, good income, she only works 2 days a week from home. She doesn't like doing housework or cooking and still could care less about any needs in the relationship. There isn't any talk about going back to councelling.
2007 - I think my marriage is over, I don't know. The more i read about divorce the more I think that there is no way that it is the easy way out! But do two people stay together when only one person wants to take care of the other person. And now, I'm at a point where I don't care if we have sex anymore. I will find other things to occupy my time. We get along, but its like we are "just" friends now. And she still doesn't "want" sex or even kissing for any more than just a peck. She tells me the other day that she doesn't trust me and that she thinks I have a girlfriend. I don't even have time for one. I work 10 hrs a day 5 days a week and I drive 45 mins to and from work every morning AND this winter has had the roads in very bad condition so traffic is at an all time slow. Plus every other day, i'm at the hardware store to get stuff for the house. I only recently in dec started to get out with some guys from work and to go for a beer or coffee after work or in the evening or on the weekend.
For the past year i have done all the yard work, all the laundry, washing floors, windows, toilets walls AND manage to help change diapers, bathe the kids and even put them to bed. So my day usually ends at midnight and I'm up at 4:30 am to go to work every day since last February.
She stresses about her work (shes an accountant) and especially at month end. The last week of the month I put the kids to bed almost every night. I have also suggested that she put the kids into a day home for the 2 days a week she works to give her a break. Her sister and mother have also made the sames suggestion. Her family has been commenting for some time now about her negative attitude towards me. At Christmas she told her sister to F----off in front of the family, there was some issues there ...some tension I guess ... and she hasn't talked to her since. (She only has one sister)
January 2007 - We talked about separating, wether we want to or not.
We are both tired of councelling and the lack of anything going on in our relationship. For 2 weeks now I've been sleeping on the couch downstairs.
She has been pretty nice about things since that started, she even did 3 loads of laundry on one day and cleaned out one set of cupboards another day. (in 8 years in our house the cupboards have never been washed by her.... i do them regularly) I got a hug the other day and she kissed me in my sleep I guess.
SOOOO.... does one divorce???? or not.
[/quote">
I feel for you bro. And relate. More than you would believe, I relate.
She's not going to change unless she wants to. If you're doing all the housework, the lion's share of the work-work (meaning at-work stuff) and are doing home projects as well, and she's doing very little, plus she doesn't feel the need to have sex with you, I don't see what options you have but:
1. Endure it for the kid's sake. This will leave you sexless and in despair for the entire time you do it. If she doesn't want you, there's nothing you can do to "make" her want you. Obviously she doesn't understand that sex to a man in a commited relationship is an emotional need, and not just a physical one. So you're outta luck I think on that route. She wins.
2. Get the divorce. Painful. Painfully painful. Horribly painful. And not only do you get to suffer, but so do the kids. And the kicker is that she'll most likely get the kids. Yep. If what you say is 100% spot on, she will have to do nothing but make cow eyes and she'll get the kids, no matter how little she does in the relationship or for them. If you don't bow to her every whim legally, she'll win. Courts hate men. Period. This is your fate down that road. She wins.
3. Stay, suck it up, and have an affair. Not saying it's right, but it's one of the only other options there are. I don't advocate this, but it's what some folks do. Not right, but pragmatic I guess. You win - until caught. Then she wins.
It's a tough outlook man. I wish I could give you better news.
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