Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! armand: My wife and i have been married for about eight months and so far it has not been very smooth. We are both 25 we have good jobs and for the most part like each others families, we had a fantastic wedding that was completely paid for by both our parents and we are now relatively financially secure with a brand new house. Yet we argue, the sex is bad if not non-existent and we are both unhappy.
Unfortunately there have been reasons that she might have been unhappy, as there have been financial difficulties with her parents, and she only recently cut the apron strings and properly moved out of her parents’ house. But this was not counter balanced with joy by our new house nor excitement about wanting to stay there as soon as we owned it, which was really depressing for me. As I could not wait to live there, and everyone was asking me so are you staying there tonight, and even though it was not quite ready I really wanted to but when questioned I had to make up some excuse cos she would not stay there with me. Anyway that is not the issue at hand, I do not know what to do cos when not arguing we are good together but when we argue and she has a tantrum I find it hard too remember why we are together!!!
I have four real big issues.
Firstly it has almost reached a weekly basis on which we have a minor argument that she blows out of all proportion, eg last week her car would not start when she was due to leave to do the shopping but instead of sorting it herself, calling the aa or getting someone with jump leads to help or as i suggested get a a taxi to and from shops, i got shouted at until i relented and came home from work to sort it. This in my view was unacceptable, everyone I asked excluding her and her parents said that I should not be leaving work because she has a tantrum over something so minor. However her parents and her both said that as her husband it was my duty to look after her and help. I do not disagree with this but I do not think this applies in this situation, and she could have used some commonsense and sorted this problem on her own.
Secondly we have sex very infrequently ranging from two week gaps to our longest which has been six weeks, and this drives me nuts, as im a young guy with a really big sexual appetite. I often mention to her in a jokey manner I need to have more sex but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
Thirdly she has a dog which we look after part time at the week ends, this dog comes first in all aspects and she has even told he is her first priority , with the eventual plan of him living with us. I understand that she loves the dog and I understand he is a big responsibility but I donot comprehend how her husband could come second to an animal nor do I want to be second to the dog.
Lastly I know she wants to have children and we do talk about our hypothetical children quite often, but recently she has been insistent that at 27 she wants to have children, and I certainly don’t feel ready now nor do I think ill be ready then, I know people say you are never ready, but I want to live more of my life for me/us before devoting it to children.
What should I do? I do love her but I do not want to be unhappy and I do not know whether I can be bothered to deal with these tantrums and this constant sexual frustration.
Help please…….
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! marriedinlove: Hello Armand
I am around your age, 27. I married my husband when I was 25 and we went through some of the same issues. The sex issue is the hardest to deal with. My husband and I argue over this issue daily. We now have 1 yr old twins that take up a lot of our time. We both work full time and we have a part time business on the side. Thank God my parents watch the babies at our home during the week. I work 4 days and home one each week and my husband works eveyday and is basically on call 24/7. That frustrates me. Anyway, we are talking about your issues here. A new marriage, new house, a dog (that is hers).. I was in the same exact boat dear. It is very overwhelming!!!!! Plus I am going to school for my Master's!! Imagine that! Anyway, give it time. The hardest part for a woman at her age as a newly wed, is knowing how to sever the ties with her parents . I am very close with my family, and my husbands family is hours away, so we see my family more. As a woman too, she will have a more difficult time breaking away, but she also needs to understand that one day they wont be there anymore so she needs to nurture the relationship that marriage has brought together. It is hard- I know it is, but relax, it will come. Trust me. Be patient! KIT
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! pluscachange: [quote author=2beORnot2be link=topic=40599.msg449756#msg449756 date=1170075772">
Hello Armand
I am around your age, 27. I married my husband when I was 25 and we went through some of the same issues. The sex issue is the hardest to deal with. My husband and I argue over this issue daily. We now have 1 yr old twins that take up a lot of our time. We both work full time and we have a part time business on the side. Thank God my parents watch the babies at our home during the week. I work 4 days and home one each week and my husband works eveyday and is basically on call 24/7. That frustrates me. Anyway, we are talking about your issues here. A new marriage, new house, a dog (that is hers).. I was in the same exact boat dear. It is very overwhelming!!!!! Plus I am going to school for my Master's!! Imagine that! Anyway, give it time. The hardest part for a woman at her age as a newly wed, is knowing how to sever the ties with her parents . I am very close with my family, and my husbands family is hours away, so we see my family more. As a woman too, she will have a more difficult time breaking away, but she also needs to understand that one day they wont be there anymore so she needs to nurture the relationship that marriage has brought together. It is hard- I know it is, but relax, it will come. Trust me. Be patient! KIT
[/quote">
Give it time?
Relationships are not magic. If he doesn't work on this actively now, in my opinion only of course, it could become habit that, after many years in developing, inserts itself as the norm.
Give it time? I remember those words being told to me. Ten years later, give it time becomes 'was is and shall always be this way'.
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! pluscachange: [quote author=armand link=topic=40599.msg449748#msg449748 date=1170073863">
My wife and i have been married for about eight months and so far it has not been very smooth. We are both 25 we have good jobs and for the most part like each others families, we had a fantastic wedding that was completely paid for by both our parents and we are now relatively financially secure with a brand new house. Yet we argue, the sex is bad if not non-existent and we are both unhappy.
Unfortunately there have been reasons that she might have been unhappy, as there have been financial difficulties with her parents, and she only recently cut the apron strings and properly moved out of her parents’ house. But this was not counter balanced with joy by our new house nor excitement about wanting to stay there as soon as we owned it, which was really depressing for me. As I could not wait to live there, and everyone was asking me so are you staying there tonight, and even though it was not quite ready I really wanted to but when questioned I had to make up some excuse cos she would not stay there with me. Anyway that is not the issue at hand, I do not know what to do cos when not arguing we are good together but when we argue and she has a tantrum I find it hard too remember why we are together!!!
I have four real big issues.
Firstly it has almost reached a weekly basis on which we have a minor argument that she blows out of all proportion, eg last week her car would not start when she was due to leave to do the shopping but instead of sorting it herself, calling the aa or getting someone with jump leads to help or as i suggested get a a taxi to and from shops, i got shouted at until i relented and came home from work to sort it. This in my view was unacceptable, everyone I asked excluding her and her parents said that I should not be leaving work because she has a tantrum over something so minor. However her parents and her both said that as her husband it was my duty to look after her and help. I do not disagree with this but I do not think this applies in this situation, and she could have used some commonsense and sorted this problem on her own.[/quote">
Your feelings are right on this. Yes, spouses should help each other, but having a tantrum over an easily remedied situation that you could have gotten to after work was uncalled for.
[quote"> Secondly we have sex very infrequently ranging from two week gaps to our longest which has been six weeks, and this drives me nuts, as im a young guy with a really big sexual appetite. I often mention to her in a jokey manner I need to have more sex but it seems to fall on deaf ears.[/quote">
Take this as a warning sign. This is a new marriage, not one that's been in union for twenty years where things just kind of subsided naturally. 8 months in, most people are going at it hot and heavy daily. Big ol' red flag here bro.
[quote"> Thirdly she has a dog which we look after part time at the week ends, this dog comes first in all aspects and she has even told he is her first priority , with the eventual plan of him living with us. I understand that she loves the dog and I understand he is a big responsibility but I donot comprehend how her husband could come second to an animal nor do I want to be second to the dog.[/quote">
Danger sign here. At no point should an animal come before a spouse.
[quote"> Lastly I know she wants to have children and we do talk about our hypothetical children quite often, but recently she has been insistent that at 27 she wants to have children, and I certainly don’t feel ready now nor do I think ill be ready then, I know people say you are never ready, but I want to live more of my life for me/us before devoting it to children.[/quote">
Don't do it. Please. Spare yourself, and her the future I'd wager you see coming down the track. Get out. Sorry to be so negative. In your shoes, I'd beat feet immediately.
[quote"> What should I do? I do love her but I do not want to be unhappy and I do not know whether I can be bothered to deal with these tantrums and this constant sexual frustration.
Help please…….[/quote">
Temper + no sex + loves a dog more than you = bad situation. She either needs to grow up and act like an adult, or you should man up and realize it's not going to get better. Either way is a tough road.
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! surprised: I think you guys have some serious issues that probably should have been worked on before the marriage. But as you have married this woman, you should really try to work them out before just jumping ship. Maybe instead of joking around about needing more sex, you should talk to her seriously about it. And you could try talking to her about your role as her husband and how you should come first, especially if she expects you to jump when she calls, then you certainly deserve to rank higher than the dog. Husbands and wives need to be there equally for one another. Marriage is an adjustment, and it sounds like she needs to grow up and mature a little. Have you thought about therapy?
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