Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! pluscachange: [quote author=surprised link=topic=40599.msg449764#msg449764 date=1170078147">
I think you guys have some serious issues that probably should have been worked on before the marriage. But as you have married this woman, you should really try to work them out before just jumping ship. Maybe instead of joking around about needing more sex, you should talk to her seriously about it. And you could try talking to her about your role as her husband and how you should come first, especially if she expects you to jump when she calls, then you certainly deserve to rank higher than the dog. Husbands and wives need to be there equally for one another. Marriage is an adjustment, and it sounds like she needs to grow up and mature a little. Have you thought about therapy?
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You're right of course, I'm just in a really sour mood today. What's new, right? LOL. :)
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! armand: Thank you all for contributing, its clear you have all had experiences in this area. I will try and talk with her soon as she is not expecting it i'm sure it will not go well as ive been advised talk dont argue and use i sentences...... Thnaks
Thank you again all for you r advice. I hope those of you who are unhappy at the moment have a bit of joy in your day, and i hope my chat goes well and the only reason i'll be posting here is to tell you its going well and the honeymoon is on track.
For the meantime in keeping with my sombre disheartened mood heres a naughty joke that is a bit crass not at all appropriate to my situation but i thought was quite funny.
The Marriage Test
True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.
"The moral of this story is:"
"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! armand: Thank you all for messaging so quickly. Its a very tricky situation as i am sure everyone who posts on here is well aware. We have been to a counsellor a few times, but after airing all our problems each session we get on well for a few days and then the cycle continues.
The problem i face which is in part because i have not said been vocal enough over the arguments we have had where she has a tantrum and manipulates me into doing what she wants she may well forget about it straight after but it stays with me. So she will believe everything is all right and i walk around in a state of tension and anger. This is not helped but intensified by any sexual frustration which i might be feeling. To say anything though after we have had arguments seems like flogging adead horse because we just dont agree, and i will relent remaining angry and bitter and she has been none the wiser.
I was mulling this problem over during a quiet moment yesterday, and i think i came to the conclusion that she needs a very assertive man to keep her in check and the relationship will balance out as she will be put in her place when she is being unreasonable. Unfortunately whilst i am no pushover and am quite able to stand up for myself i tend to look for ways to avoid arguing and confrontation beacuase i simply do not enjoy how i feel when in that state so i appease her and then become angry with myself after for not being more vocally assertive nor assertive in my actions. this is not the kind of relationship i thought i was in, or maybe i am reading it wrong now??????? Who Knows............
I do know though that i do not want to be the guy that i think she needs, that is not how i envisaged my relationship with my wife to be, how long do i give it before i decide this is not for me?
Lastly we were supposed to be going away for a belated honeymoon in six weeks and i was going to use this as a belatd honeymoon as cut off point but again that throws up problems. What if it all goes well on the trip we get on, we have sex but nothing changes when we get home. This will not be everyday life, and i believe that is where our relationship struggles.
Any ideas, honeymoon or no honeymoon??? ??? ???
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! lostinva: Your situation with your wife reminds me a lot of my marriage. I had lived at home until I moved in with my husband, and it was a huge adjustment for me. On top of that, I was working at an awful job, living in the suburbs (when I was used to living in town), had unexpected health issues that my husband was not sensitive about, and I became depressed. When we were first married, we argued a lot -- mostly about how messy I was and how neat he was and about how we weren't social enough (that was his take).
I have two dogs that lived with us part-time, and my husband never warmed up to them the way that I would have liked for him to. My dogs are like my children, they are a source of love, enjoyment, and comfort, and they really helped with my stress level. It was really hard for me to get used to not having them around all the time. I would have loved nothing more than to have my husband feel the same way about them -- to offer to take them to the park with me and to play with them like they were his. He was a cat person and he didn't want children (though he was not upfront with me about this when we got married). I saw the way he reacted to my dogs, and it was a constant reminder of how he felt about children and, perhaps, of what kind of father he would be. If dogs were too much responsibility and required too much attention (even though they were well-behaved and so loving), then how could we possibly start our own family together? It was very troublesome for me.
We didn't have sex that often, and I found that a lot of my other friends said that they had less sex once they got married too. I'm not sure if the Hollywood portrayal of newlyweds constantly going at it is true or not. And, it's hard to feel like having sex when there are so many deep issues in a relationship.
My husband was much like you. He hated to argue and would hold stuff in until he would just explode all at once. I'd bring up something that bothered me, and instead of trying to address that, he'd have a hundred things I'd done wrong (because he'd been holding it all in). Your wife may not know exactly what is bothering you, but I'm sure she knows that something isn't right. You owe it to her to tell her the truth if she asks. Your marriage will not work if you do not learn how to communicate your feelings with each other. I suggest you seek marital counseling to work through these issues. You are married, and you owe it to her to REALLY try to fix these problems before they get worse. The first year of marriage is the hardest, and it's OK to need help. Please, don't let her think everything is OK while you are planning an escape route. It's not fair to her, even if she does throw tantrums. Changes are that your wife is feeling equally frustrated.
The hardest part sometimes is to admit to each other that something isn't right, but if you love each other and want to make it right, you should try.
Re: Newly Married, unhappy, undersexed and constantly arguing. Help!!!! Mango25: Arm,
Hmmm. I felt compelled to write because I don't entirely agree with the other posts. I may be wrong, and the behavior could be signs of some big problems, BUT, two questions: how long were you together before you got married? and Has she always been like this, or is this new behavior?
The reason I ask is that if you were together a reasonable amount of time and she wasn't like this, or it wasn't this bad, it may be a reaction to being married itself. Here's what I think, based on, of course, not much info. Your wife is behaving like a child. Why is that? Well, maybe she's very immature, or this is a trigger reaction to "issues." I know of teenagers who, more often do this, AND adult who do it when they feel insecure or afraid. We regress and start to behave like kids. It's a way (not a good way mind you) but a way of testing. Feelings are: I'm not sure he loves me. I'm afraid he doesn't love me. I'm married (for life) and that scares me. I'm out of the emotional safety of my parents' home and that scares me. I have a husband and a mortgage and that scares me. I'm thinking about becoming a parent and that is scary too. A well-adjusted adult would be ready for these feelings and would talk about them. However, I've seen people do the opposite -- pitch fits, be super needy, start fights and emotionally withdraw. It's kind of like putting your worse behavior forward to see if the all of your worst fears come true. Testing to see if you are really loved. Unfortunately, people act unlovable and hope to still be loved, and often create a self-fulfilling situation. They frustrate their partner and end up ruining a relationship. Either they make their partners miserable, ruin the relationship (which is what they suspect will happen subconsciously), or they can see what they are doing and work through it.
So, my advice: don't jump ship. At least, not yet. Reaasure your wife that you love her. Treat her as you would treat your own child. And by that I mean, if she starts picking fights or losing control of her emotions, stay as calm and as rational as possible. Be as loving and caring as you can be and try to get her to talk about what she is really feeling. Be ready for crazy stuff to come out of her mouth. I suspect if she senses uncertainty on your part, her insecurity will build, but if you are calm and stable she will be reassured and this behavior won't be necessary anymore. It may be a good idea to talk to a therapist about things. The sex part will come once she feels safe. I think, it's just going to take a while.
I may be wrong, but it's really early to give up. I wish you luck.
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