Waiting for the main course Topaz: I went to this open house for a private school on Saturday morning with my daughter, and who do I see but an old friend who has a little boy my daughter's age. The 2 kids used to play together when they were toddlers and then we lost touch.
I was always superdrawn to this guy but I never acted on it, and when I saw him, I felt the same attraction. I had sensed in the past that things were not easy with his wife - they're both great people, but they got married on a whim, and they discovered that they have very little in common - and seeing him on Saturday confirmed it. He had a lot of questions about getting divorced and how it affects children and he spoke candidly about how difficult things had been between him and his wife, in spite of their efforts to make things work. And he asked me a lot of questions about who I was dating.
Anyway, it turns out that we live in the same neighborhood, and we exchanged numbers and talked about getting together with the kids on the weekend. I was thinking, "Man, the old me would have no qualms or conscience about kicking this crush to the next level. The old me would rationalize that their marriage is in all likelihood ending. But I'm not the old me, and the greatest thing that I could offer right now would be friendship. I don't want to play a part in this relationship's demise."
Then the next day I went to the Zen temple for meditation and the lecture, which was great. After the service, we all went to have coffee and cookies upstairs from the temple, and I was standing there drinking my coffee when I looked up and noticed someone smiling at me and felt this irresistible pull towards him. He came over and introduced himself and we were chatting. Really nice conversation. Supercute, teaches tai chi, a couple of kids, married, and again, it was so clear that it was just about friendship. It was a pleasure to feel physically and personally attracted to someone without any desire for it to go any further.
I felt like meeting him was a reminder or preview of what is out there, that it's even better than what I can even imagine right now.
It was cool to meet (or re-connect) with 2 different men who have a vitality, a spark to them, and an intense sense of responsibility to their children/family. And I felt like I stood on an equal footing with them.
I'm skittish about getting together with someone who turns about to be like my ex, who wanted to control me, who wanted me to worship and adore him at the expense of my own interests, goals and desires. I think I'm getting ready to settle down again, but I don't want anyone to try to dominate me again. I had no sense that my ex was like when I first met him, so I am trying to keep my eyes open as much as possible about people.
Anyway, it was like I was saying to tree a few weeks ago - I feel like I got handed a few appetizers as a sneak preview for the main course, which I am willing to wait for.
Re: Waiting for the main course superwife: [quote author=Trixie (aka Topaz) link=topic=40605.msg449872#msg449872 date=1170083706">
I'm skittish about getting together with someone who turns about to be like my ex, who wanted to control me, who wanted me to worship and adore him at the expense of my own interests, goals and desires. I think I'm getting ready to settle down again, but I don't want anyone to try to dominate me again. I had no sense that my ex was like when I first met him, so I am trying to keep my eyes open as much as possible about people.
[/quote">
I def. agree with the last statement. I guess none of us really did. And if we did, we ignored the warning signs. I feel as if I made a wrong choice (obviously) and that I got 'suckered in'. I know at the time I met my ex, I was much more vulnerable than I am now (believe it or not). Despite what he has done to me emotionally, I am much more mature than I was then and in a better frame of mind. I am a diffierent person.
And I am guessing that you are too. You are aware that the potential exsists for you to fall into that again. You know what you don't want. Did therse guys remind you of your ex at all? I guess there will always be something that another guy will do that may trigger that feeling, even if it is a small incidental thing. But generally speaking, you will look for someone different, as long as you are over your ex.
And as far as you losing your identity, just don't allow it. Honestly, do you think either of these guys are willing to do the same (let you take away their identity?) Or any guy for that matter? If they are, then that's not a good sign. Anyone who is an 'adult' has a life already, and will most likely want to hold on to part of it. I think that is the difference between relationships in your 30's, compared to teens. We all have other lives. It's a balance that everyone has to accpet.
Re: Waiting for the main course katbuttkid: Hey, I was in this phase when I met MM...
I thought it was fitting that I met MM, and was starting to come to the conclusion that I would like a husband (someday)... there it was, a husband!
Enjoy the phase while it lasts. Mine was too fleeting I think, and it's a good place to be in.
Why'd mine have to happen to fast? IT's like I was a fruit on a tree... ripe and so I just fell right off.
Ugh.
Tree
Re: Waiting for the main course Topaz: I am enjoying this phase - thanks, Tree. The other day, I was thinking, "Wow, this is like when the roller coaster is on its way up. I hope it lasts, this feeling of anticipation. I'm really enjoying it!"
