My Story FolkChick76: Hello there,
Well, I just joined this board and then realized it's officially for people getting divorced. I thought it was all about breakups in general. Hopefully I'm still welcome. I'll tell my story and then see what you all think.
I am 28. I broke up with my BF of 18 months 2 months ago. I thought he was the one. I still cry nearly every night. When it happened his 8 year old daughter was visiting (she spent 8 weeks with us this summer). I thought of myself as her step-mom, I guess not anymore. Anyways, we broke up half way through her visit, so he just moved into the front bedroom. It was really hard and I went crazy at first. Sending all these really desparate crazy emails to him, trying to still explain myself and be understood and loved.
Then I went on a 5 day business trip and it was good to get away. I came back in a better frame of mind and very hopeful. We have for the most part gotten along quite well since then, but we are not back together. Though we have had sex at least 4 times since the official day of our breakup (July 8, 2004).
Anyways, he has found a room to rent and is moving out. I went to a concert last night with my dad and when I came home I realized that my ex had moved his bed to the new place and would never be sleeping in my home again and I totally lost it. I've been crying (full on wracking sobs) off and on for 14 hours now. My head hurts and my eyes are blood shot. I had been crying a bit every night for the last few weeks anyway.
I love him so much still and I wish I could fix it all, but it looks like its really over. I'm too old for this. I want to married and it was suppose to be to him. I want my babies and they were suppose to be his. My life feels stupid and uselsess and pointless. Now I know what heartbreak really is and I wish I didn't.
His daughter will never be my step-daughter, he will never be my husband, and I will never have his babies. It wasn't suppose to be this way.
He wants to stay friends, but I don't understand how that is suppose to work since I want ALL of him, not just his friendship.
I know I sound like a lunatic. I'm smart, successful, creative and have tons of friends. Why do I feel so hopeless and like a pile of manure right now?
I'll share the whole story of how and why it ended in my next post . . . if anyone is interested.
Right now, I just feel miserable and wanted share. Wanted to connect with others.
~RMC
Re:My Story seth: Well you don't have to be officially married to be divorced, in my opinion.
I cohabited with my ex for nearly seven years (we knew each other for nine years this month) and we planned to get married--we just delayed for money reasons while in grad. school....
NOw I feel so stupid for having supported her through school and not getting what I really wanted--marriage.... I could have paid for everything w/ the money I spent supporting her selfish butt through school....
I hate her!!!!!!!
I know what you mean about the babies? How old are you? I'm 29 and she's 30 and last night I dreamt of the two future children we had named.... A boy and a girl. God I want to kill that woman. One of the reasons I didn't seriously consider suicide is that she would never have found out....
Or she would have used it to justify her actions and maybe wouldn't have even cared....
Re:My Story SherylLynn: This site is for anyone who needs it.
Take it one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time and even one minute at time.
Come back here often and read and post and vent and cry and eventually, it will get better.
We are a pretty good group of people who will always listen.
Take care,
Sheryl
Re:My Story JTS: FC76, seth is right. Just because you didn't have the piece of paper doesn't mean that you didn't have the emotional ties. There are a lot of great people out there who have gone through a lot of the same feelings you are describing including myself when my relationship dissolved before my eyes. Time does heal wounds and one of the most important things that I learned was that I am a lot stronger as a person than I ever thought or dreamed. There were many days that I had to force myself to even get out of bed but I did and every day is a new day. You can get though this and become a better, stronger person in the process. There are a lot of very insightful intelligent people on this site who will be willing to offer support. My thoughts will be with you. :)
Re:My Story FolkChick76: I'm 28 (for the person that asked).
Thanks for all the support and for welcoming me to your group.
I feel like my 20's have been a total waste. I spent 21-26 with a guy that was all wrong and that I wasn't in love with. When I met the guy that I just split from I was soooo sure he was the one. We connected, we laughed, we had fun, we had the best sex I'd ever had; and now it's just GONE, OVER. I don't know how to move on. I just keep crying and crying and then telling my friends that I'm fine, everything is a-ok. Why do I lie?
As a result of the depression that resulted when I realized this was not going to last, that he didn't love me the way I really needed him to, I gained back 30 of the 50 pounds I lost 2 years ago. I lost my job in June and lost my man in July. I pretty much feel like the biggest loser there is. I am a piece of unlovable crap, that's the way I feel.
I am happy that I finally found a roommate to rent one of my extra rooms to, some things are looking up.
And I have a new job. A temp right now, but looks like when they hire me I'll be Assistant Manager of the office, I'm so excited about that.
He wants to be friends. He calls me and he's nice to me. But I know he thinks I'm fat and undesirable and not good enough for him. I hate it.
Well, I'm really tired. Going to bed now. Hopefully I don't have nightmares. I've been dreaming that he's lost and I can't find him and I'm all alone and scared and sad and in danger. I hate this.
Goodnight.
~RMC
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