Re: Getting Worse lostinva: [quote author=qmo link=topic=41008.msg457649#msg457649 date=1170889715">
i feel like one second my mind is thinking about ending everything, thenext it jumps to a moment of clarity - who the hell does he think he is - the next - fear kicks in - im gonna be alone forever - the next i think about the flowers he bought me - how crazy is that - but this goes on and on all day and night at a million miles an hour - i feel like im obsessed and i feel like people know too they can hear my thoughts and they are all looking at me like im some freak - is this paranoia?
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I have had these EXACT same thoughts. From, "this is the right thing, I'm better off, I'm not happy with him anyway, I deserve more..." to remembering the flowers he bought me for our half-way-through-the-first-year-of-marriage point to "i'll never find anyone. i don't even want to find anyone else. i'll never trust anyone." So, just know that you are not alone. And try to find things to distract you from these thoughts so that you aren't thinking them all day and all night. Don't beat yourself up for feeling them, but also try to give yourself a break from thinking them. I know that's not so easy, especially if you have anxiety and tend to obsess over things, because I do too.
I'm glad you recognize that you are drinking to numb the pain, and I'm glad that you have made an appointment with a doctor. Don't let this man ruin your life anymore than he already has...turning to alcohol will only give you one more hurdle you will have to overcome. Try to focus on making yourself whole and happy, because that will be the best revenge (or sweetest reward). You really should find a therapist to see and seriously look into moving back home where you have a support system.
[quote author=qmo link=topic=41008.msg457584#msg457584 date=1170883428">
he said i moaned about everything and that i argued with him all the time - stupid things like he signed himself up for saturday soccerr which is every single saturday for the whole day and then drinks after with his mates without a thought for me when he was trying to get me to move here he said we would go away at weekends together and have fun, he wasnt a very openly loving bloke, he always said i will never leave NZ for you, he kept me dangling on about kids, he never actually ever made me feel like he did really love me Mar you know, i am a very expressive person and he used to say "love ya" or txt it but i never really felt it - and i used to say that to him -his way of loving me was sortin out my immigration or paying for my contact lenses - he used to say that must show you how much i love you??????
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Are we married to the same man? Mine signed up for soccer too, was working full-time, and going to school (3 classes at a time), and now he wants to blame me for asking for some time in between all of that. He didn't have enough time to do the things he wanted (I gave him plenty of time to do homework and play soccer), but it's my fault that he over-extended himself and I should pity him because he had to spend time with me on top of it all!?!? Plus, I would beg for him to be more expressive, and he used to be more thoughtful, but that stopped. He was never good at showing love by being affectionate and saying nice things (except in the beginning, conveniently). Oh, and boy did he keep me dangling about the kids thing. I'm sure that can be found in one of my early posts.
Re: Getting Worse qmambo: cheers lostinva, i actually dont feel so manic this morning here at work although that could change throughout the day at any point :-)
im actually quite angry cos he saw a solicitor on wed or so he told me (who knows what hes doing cos i certainly dont i just thought i did for the last year). he should have rang me to say about the agreement and signing etc. but he didnt he obvisouly thought soccerr more important (well it his to him) so he then phones at 7am y'day morning and again at 8am -i wanted him to leave a message stating what the next step was or text me cos i cant speak with him but he didnt - gggrrrrrrr - so last night againt my will (but iw ant some money from him) i text him asking him if he could text me whats going on and he didnt and still hasnt up until this morning - so he very very clearly now to me is playing me for a fool!
