Not ready for this....Or am I? flipflopnomore: Ok, stbxh left back in July. Divorce will be final in March. I literally sat here and waited for him to make changes and come home for 6 months. All he did was get worse, party more, make more "friends". Well, back in December i decided I was not going to wait anymore and decided I was going to get a life. There is a long story behind him (addictions,etc.) see my other posts or ask me.
I have been going out with this new guy for almost 2 months now. He is a great person. Not necessarily my typical guy that I go for. But he is a good and fun person and he treats me great. I don't have the "wow" factor with him though. You know, the OMG he is such a turn on feeling like I did with my stbxh. I am not feeling any sort ofl ove feelings with him either. I really want to because he is such a good catch but I feel like he is just fun to hang out with and more a friend. I know as time goes on he is feeling more and more and wanting it to proceed into getting really serious. He has been divorced almost 10 years now, so I would believe that he is pretty ready to move on.
I just don't think I am there at all and don't really see myself getting there in the future. Here is my problem....I know I should be honest with him but really do like hanging out with him casually. I have a feeling if I say that he won't be very happy.
I guess I am just at a stage where I want to meet a few people, go out and get crazy and wild for awhile before I settle into another relationship. For instance, some girlfriends are going out this weekend and I seriously haven't been out like that around here since stbxh left. I did go out when I went to Vegas last December but nothing locally. These girlfriends want me to go. I would love to. I mentioned it to this new guy and he seemed kinda put off. Like I would rather go out than be with him. Which is actually true. I feel this pressure that the nights I don't have my kids I should be with him. I don't want that. Maybe it would be different if had those intense feelings for him.
Ok, here is another possible reason....I still consider myself somewhat hungup on my stbxh. He is still a real presence in my life. He calls, texts and comes by alot lately. It takes every ounce of strength to not go there with him. I came pretty damn close the other day unfortunately. I wish I could look at this new guy and feel that intensity that I feel when I look at stbxh. Even though he is a total Jacka**, loser, manipulator he still stirs up feelings in me.
Anyway. Just wondering what you all thought. Am I not ready to date exclusively? Is it just this one guy who doesn't do it for me? Do I just go out and have a good time for now and see what happens?
Re: Not ready for this....Or am I? superwife: [quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776">
Am I not ready to date exclusively? [/quote">
It sounds like you're not. Avtually, it sounds like you don't want to, and that's fine. After all, you've been in an exclusive relationship for a long time. You wanna see what's out there. It sounds like he's done that already and is ready to settle down. You are at different stages in your life right now.
[quote"> Is it just this one guy who doesn't do it for me?[/quote">
That could be it too. As much as you want to go out there and have fun, if he was truly the one for you, you wouldn't feel that way. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.
[quote"> Do I just go out and have a good time for now and see what happens? [/quote">
Yeah, go. Enjoy. That doesn't mean that you can't be with him. If he has a problem with you hanging out with your friends, then that should be a red flag.
Re: Not ready for this....Or am I? chaos40: Sounds like your not ready for a serious relationship and this may only be a rebound thing. If I were you I would do what I want to do when I want to do it. It sounds like there are no sparks with him and probably never will be and so moving forward with this guy could spell disaster (or not). I can't predict the future. However, I can cleary see the present and at present it sounds like you would like to get out and have some fun which is your right therefore you should do it.
Re: Not ready for this....Or am I? flipflopnomore: Thank you both. I really don't know what to do. I had a long phone conversation with him last night. He felt I was pulling away from him and he's right. I told him I didn't want to hurt him and thought the best thing was to possibly wait until my divorce is final, and I am more ready. He was not getting it. He kept coming up with reasons why we should still at least hang out. I went over how its only been 7 months since stbxh left, that I was truly petrified of getting hurt and going thru this again and yes, I still had feelings for stbxh. He asked me if I missed stbxh. I did say yes, there are things I miss. Of course I do. We were fricken married!! He swore he would never hurt me, etc. I said he couldn't say that. Then it became like he was almost trying to convice me to not bail just because I am scared.
Uggh. This went on for almost 2 hours on the phone. He IS a great guy. Part of me thinks that I will be making a huge mistake if I let him go, but there are parts of me that are so not ready. I definately don't want to be so lonely that when stbxh calls or comes around i am vunerable again.
So stupid. I can't even believe I am in this mess. I would have begged for stbxh's attention and love and he was incapeable. Now I have someone to give it to me and I am backing off.
Re: Not ready for this....Or am I? wizer_now: [quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> I don't have the "wow" factor with him though. [/quote">
I'm certainly no expert on relationships, but I figure that if there's no "wow" factor now, it's not going to suddenly happen. Unless your feelings are being supressed by the lingering attachment to your stbx.
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> I feel like he is just fun to hang out with and more a friend. I know as time goes on he is feeling more and more and wanting it to proceed into getting really serious. [/quote">
And that problem is only going to get worse, things will get more complicated, and the hurt will be a whole lot worse.
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> He has been divorced almost 10 years now, so I would believe that he is pretty ready to move on.[/quote">
You guys are in different places right now.
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> I just don't think I am there at all and don't really see myself getting there in the future. Here is my problem....I know I should be honest with him but really do like hanging out with him casually. I have a feeling if I say that he won't be very happy.[/quote">
The fact that he will not be happy is a given, and is also irrelevant. He has a choice- a casual relationship with you, with the small possibility that it might build over time, especially if your lack of feelings are due to the stbx "effect".
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> I guess I am just at a stage where I want to meet a few people, go out and get crazy and wild for awhile before I settle into another relationship. [/quote">
That sounds like more fun than settling in with a guy you are not too crazy about.
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> I mentioned it to this new guy and he seemed kinda put off. Like I would rather go out than be with him. [/quote">
He's going to be hurt. A lot of little chunks of hurt now, each time you blow him off, or 1 big chunk of hurt when you say goodbye. At least if you are honest with him now, he can make a choice. Show him CMs post on the other thread, about falling in love with a person that doesn't feel the same way about you.
here's the link
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776"> Ok, here is another possible reason....I still consider myself somewhat hungup on my stbxh. He is still a real presence in my life. He calls, texts and comes by alot lately. Even though he is a total Jacka**, loser, manipulator he still stirs up feelings in me. [/quote">
Let him go. No good will come of it.
[quote author=flipflopnomore link=topic=41069.msg459005#msg459005 date=1170996776">
Do I just go out and have a good time for now and see what happens? [/quote">
Yes. You already knew the answer though, didn't you.
Click More for the next page.
