Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs crushedman: Don't fall in love with someone that is not 100% sure about wanting to be with you. The time to get out is BEFORE you fall for them- because once you fall, you will be in so far over your head you'll never catch another breath. Forget about WHY they are uncertain. Some will tell you, some will lie to you. Others will lie to themselves. It could be a million reasons:
Maybe you remind them too much of their father.
Maybe you aren't enough like their father.
Maybe they are afraid of success.
Maybe they aren't attracted to you.
Maybe you don't make enough money.
Maybe they aren't ready to settle down, and don't want a relationship 'with potential'.
Maybe they feel so strongly about you that it scares them.
Maybe commitment scares them.
It could be all of these things or none of them, or some combination thereof. It could be a million other things but it's not for you to find out. Because you WON'T find out the real story, so don't even try.
But you will try. And when you find out what you are lacking that supposedly causes this uncertainty, you'll try and fix it. A word of advice- don't try and address their concerns, unless YOU feel you need to for yourself and these concerns are legitimate character defects. Nevermind, I'll save my breath because you WILL try and address these concerns. And this is where the unraveling of a life begins.
Let's say that they tell you you are too much of a homebody. What will you do when you start to get out of the house all the time, and they are STILL unsure of their feelings? What if there are 2, 5, 10 'reasons' they are unsure and you 'fix' or 'change' every one of them and it STILL doesn't change their feelings? Now you've given up your identity and power, and you'll probably never get either one of them back as long as you are in this relationship. Now your confidence suffers, your self esteem soon to follow. Your perspective will soon be but a happy memory. You start looking for reassurances that aren't there, certainty that never was, the good old days that never were, the ghost of an obligation that they don't feel and they never did. Be careful of neediness, it's repulsive. Desperation is worse, and trust me, my friend, you aren't far away.
On the other side of the curtain, your partner will be perpetually evaluating you and your relationship. Since they are unsure, they'll want to BE sure. They'll pay close attention to every nuance of your relationship and your personality, and they'll be looking for cracks, so you better be on your best behaviour. Because if you happen to make a mistake, even a small one, your partner just might find that mistake revelatory. Unfortunately, you WILL make a mistake eventually (everyone does), and you'll probably make more than one. In fact, you might make more mistakes than you would under normal circumstances. You'll be on edge and constantly feel pressure. When your partner makes your mistake into more than it is, you'll feel more guilty than you should and apologize more profusely than they have a right to. Now you're starting to feed into the madness, because you can no longer do anything right and your life is spiralling out of control. This won't end well-- I promise. But unfortunately for you, it gets worse.
One of these days your partner is going to run into someone of the opposite sex that they feel something for. It happens to everyone, really. Happily married or single, everyone has chemistry with certain people. Sometimes it's fun to imagine how your life would have ended up with one of these people, but that's as far as it goes. Because it's not realistic to try and BE WITH everyone that you have chemistry with. Right? Well, right enough. But your partner is looking for a sign. Since that lightning bolt from heaven will never come, the fact that they met someone that they feel chemistry or spark with MUST mean that you are wrong for them afterall. Providence is the work of the divine, and this notion is the beginning of the end for you.
But aren't you aware of this very thing? Deep down inside, don't you know this? Be careful of jealousy, however, it's repulsive as well. The worst part is your jealousy won't help. They are leaving, sooner of later, and most likely they are leaving for someone else.
cm
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs Mango25: It's scary how much this reminds me of EXACTLY how I felt in my last relationship. He wasn't sure. I lived on eggshells and he evaluated my every move. Under this kind of pressure, of course, I got worse. He was more unsure, which made me worse, and so on until I finally said, decide or I'm leaving. I left. He still didn't decide until, as you so painfully point out, he found someone else. My sense of reality, self and esteem are in the tank. Yep, you're right.
But is anyone ever 100% SURE? If you wait around for that, I think, you'll never love anyone. If fact, you'll be just like that person who did this to you. It will SELF-DEFEATING mind game all over again, except you will be on the other side of the fence.
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs darkrose: Uncertainty is what makes things exciting. Think about it.
You could get in a horrible car crash on the way home from work and be maimed for life or even killed.
A plane could fall out of the sky tonight and crash into your house.
You could get run over by a drunk driver while walking down the sidewalk.
You could get shot and killed by some random jacka$$ who wants to mug you.
..yet you still live your life, right? I mean, you're still going to go to work, you're still going to sleep in your house, you're still going to walk down a sidewalk, and you're probably going to take your chances with getting robbed, right?
Life is nothing but a series of risk/reward opportunities. Those who never take on risk will never see reward.
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs wizer_now: Good post CM.
Of all the posters on Ojar, you are undoubtedly the one who I either have the most tendency to either agree with or disagree with. Pretty much black and white, not too much grey with you big guy. I agree with your post 99%. I'm going to add my thoughts.
[quote author=crushingman link=topic=41072.msg459042#msg459042 date=1171007026"> Don't fall in love with someone that is not 100% sure about wanting to be with you. The time to get out is BEFORE you fall for them[/quote">
I didn't realize love was "optional", and that you can be such a good judge of how "in love" you are that you can stop the bus whenever you feel like it and hop off. I wish it was that easy.
[quote author=crushingman link=topic=41072.msg459042#msg459042 date=1171007026">
Maybe you remind them too much of their father.
Maybe you aren't enough like their father.
Maybe they are afraid of success.
Maybe they aren't attracted to you.
Maybe you don't make enough money.
Maybe they aren't ready to settle down, and don't want a relationship 'with potential'.
Maybe they feel so strongly about you that it scares them.
Maybe commitment scares them.
[/quote">
Maybe they are gay.
Maybe they are so involved with their children that they can't put enough time, effort, commitment into a new relationship. When I was in the early stages of the relationship with my stbx, perhaps 17+ years ago, I decided that I wanted out- she was hysterical and wanted to work on things. Which we did, until recently. The disagreement was about her then 7 year old daughter. I recall that I didn't want to get involved with a woman who I felt couldn't commit herself to a relationship when her daughter's needs came so far ahead of my own. Now, don't get me wrong here- I'm not saying that I wasn't selfish, I'm not saying I'm right- it's just how I felt. And to a large extent I feel the same way right NOW, about my new girlfriend of 3.5 months and the fact that she can't spend a lot of time with me because of her 3 children.
[quote author=crushingman link=topic=41072.msg459042#msg459042 date=1171007026">
One of these days your partner is going to run into someone of the opposite sex that they feel something for.
[/quote">
Or the same sex.
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs thejoker: I'm certain that I need to find a new job that let's me wear pants to work.
Click More for the next page.
