Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs crushedman: Mango-
It's safe to say that no one is ever 100% sure. It's the DEGREE of certainty that's important. There is a big difference between someone that's normally confident they want to be with you, and someone that normally has no idea.
Wishing for things-
Life is nothing but a series of risk/reward opportunities. Those who never take on risk will never see reward.
Excellent point, and let me expound upon it. In gambling circles, there is something that is called positive or negative expectation. The reason that casinos ALWAYS win in the long run, is that they take only positive expectation bets. Suppose I were to offer you the following bet:
We'll toss a coin as many times as you like. Everytime the coin comes up heads, you give me $1. Everytime the coin comes up tails, I'll give you $2. Because you know that in the long run, the coin will come up heads 50% of the time, and tails 50% of the time, you'll earn an average of 50 cents for each and every coin toss. Based on this statistical fact, you'd be crazy to decline my offer for this bet, and I'd be crazy to offer you this bet. But in this case, we KNOW what will happen in the long run. However, if we were to change this bet slightly and say that I will only allow you to toss the coin 10 times, it changes the picture slightly. It is still a stupid bet on my part, but one that has a slight chance of success. It is still a good bet on your part with the exact same expectation, 50 cents, but you aren't guaranteed success. I'm fighting an uphill battle if I choose to make this offer to you.
Where I'm going with this is that when you choose to fall in love with someone that is unsure that they want to be with you, you are just like I'd be in the above example. There is a slight chance of success, but you are fighting an uphill battle. The chances of success aren't high enough to warrant the risk. What's worse, in a relationship you are not gambling with money, but with something infinitely more important, your own heart.
cm
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs crushedman: Wizer-
Of all the posters on Ojar, you are undoubtedly the one who I either have the most tendency to either agree with or disagree with. Pretty much black and white, not too much grey with you big guy.
I take this as the highest form of compliment, my man. Seriously.
didn't realize love was "optional", and that you can be such a good judge of how "in love" you are that you can stop the bus whenever you feel like it and hop off. I wish it was that easy
It ain't that easy, and there lies the rub. But most people know when they are falling. For myself, I look back at a couple of key decisions I made that doomed me. I could have gotten out at those moments and minimized the damage, but I chose wrong.
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs darkrose: [quote author=crushingman link=topic=41072.msg459182#msg459182 date=1171034459">
Where I'm going with this is that when you choose to fall in love with someone that is unsure that they want to be with you, you are just like I'd be in the above example. There is a slight chance of success, but you are fighting an uphill battle. The chances of success aren't high enough to warrant the risk. What's worse, in a relationship you are not gambling with money, but with something infinitely more important, your own heart.
[/quote">
Sure, I see the point, but let me counter it.
I believe people have the capacity to love many people. I, for example loved my stbxw and continue to love my son. I love my parents, and I love my brother and sister and their children. I love my inner circle of friends. All of these people have a different love than I had for my stbxw. I suppose the difference is I have to have that "friend love" and let it evolve into the "significant other" love before things progress. I feel no "significant other" love for anyone right now and don't intend to for a very long time.
I took a risk with my stbxw. I got the short end of the stick on that one, but you know what? I wouldn't do anything differently. I figure the world is such a hostile, sh*tty place that a brief time of absolute bliss is worth the pain when the hammer drops. I got that with my stbxw, for a time I believed she was very much in love with me and I was very much in love with her. That in itself is worth what I felt when she left.
I am very pessimistic about a lot of things including love. I have hope, but I've learned throughout the years that if I don't set expectations and I don't go through life with a whole lot of hope, then I won't be disappointed and thus not crushed when things go the wrong way. If they go the right way, I'll be pleasantly surprised.
All this being said, I have fought the uphill battle, and I've lost many times..even recently..but it's ok, because I'll keep taking the risk because it's worth it in the long run. I always walk (well sometimes ooze away as a quivering ball of emotions) away from relationships with more than I came into it with..even if that something was just a better understanding of what I want (or DON'T want in many cases)...so it makes the risk worth it because the reward is a better chance at 'winning' in the end.
I guess using your example it would be like a bet that slides. The odds are in the house's favor but as I continue to gamble, the odds inch up until they're in my favor..
Maybe this just doesn't make sense. *shrug*
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs flipflopnomore: Cm thanks for responding to my other post. I came and read this one and it puts things in such perspective for me.
I have both extremes right now in my life. I have stbxh who is obviously not sure, in and out of my life, and pretty much a person that I should be thankful is gone. But I was (and still am to some degree) the one who was clinging onto this dysfunctional relationship. I was trying to make something work with someone who was not 100% sure and such a mess.
Now I have this new guy I have been dating and the tables have turned. I am not sure, I don't feel like I am giving 100% and probably never will. I have been hesitating with being honest with him as to not hurt his feelings. it was easier for me just to fake it to avoid and uncomfortable situation. He is literally standing on his head trying to make me happy and meet all of my needs. I was brutally honest last night and told him that I am not ready for this and still have major unresolved feelings from the past. Beyond this I don't know what to do.
Anyway, thank you for giving me a perspective from both sides as I have been on the other side too and its not fun.
Re: Avoid uncertainty at ALL costs crushedman: flip-
I know I sent you a PM about this, but I want to make a point here-
I was brutally honest last night and told him that I am not ready for this and still have major unresolved feelings from the past. Beyond this I don't know what to do
I know you are trying to do the right thing, and that is admirable. But if you want to be honest with him, and with yourself, the REAL reason that you don't want to be with him isn't that you have unresolved feelings from the past. From his perspective, he probably feels that you need some more time to get over your X and get your head screwed on straight. Once X amount of time passes, he likely assumes that you will want to move forward with him full force. Taken at face value, can you blame him if he is thinking along these lines? I recommend just telling him you don't want to be with him because you don't feel the same way he does, or simply "I don't think you are right for me." No fun, I know, but more likely to do the trick.
cm
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