starting to let go again... m2g4b: well i have come to lean on this board more and more, and i sure do appreciate all the helpful comments and responses!!! at the end of jan. my stbxw left me again after coming home for a little over a week. in that time she told me all was good, we would get past all our problems, told me she loved me hundreds of times, did all the nice little things to me and for me, just made it seem perfect, and i did the same for her. well it fell apart again, as usual, this was our 3rd go around. the very next day she was back with her BF that she has had since the 2nd day i moved out 5 months ago. that tore me to pieces all over again. then a week later she said she was not going to be with him anymore, but be on her own for awhile and to move slow and to really be happy with herself and see what she wanted in life, i thought that was great and a positive step. she came over and dropped the kids off, hugged me goodbye, and went straight to her BF's house and spent the entire night with him. i needed some closure on this whole bouncing back and forth thing, so i just went to his house with her there and knocked on the door, and told her to make her choice now and stick with it. she chose him, and said that all she told me while at home was a lie to get money out of me!!!! it floored me, and hurt me, but she made her choice in front of us both, so that is it for me!!! to me that is no turning back type choice!!! i have only talked to her twice since that day, she tried to tell me they didnt have sex, LOL....OKAY stamp moron on my forehead, and that she didnt want me to find out that way, but she is totally thru with our marriage as well, that i didnt and dont have to worry about her coming back again. i want to believe her, i want it to be over, i am exhausted and need some piece with this deal, but i dont. she has told me 3 times, and the last time she was so furious with me i didnt think we would ever talk again, and she still came back. she just cant be happy for over a month or so. instead of taking her time and making herself happy she is rushing things and hurting herself, and then she runs back to me for some time and then when i try to help her, she doesnt want it and runs back to him. i cant do it anymore, i am hurting way to much for this to continue. the last time i talked to her, i told her no more calls, just text or voicemail, i will not answer the phone. take the kids to my moms and drop them off, and my mom would bring them back to her on her days....i have minimized all contact with her. she says thats fine, and i know it is right now, but she wont last with it and she will come again, this is just her pattern......i KNOW in my mind and heart she is not the person i want to love anymore, i can list a thousand things why we shouldnt be together anymore, the lies, the cheating, the BF, the actions, etc....so why is it so hard to let go when i am the one being played and dumped on all the time? yesterday was a bad day, but i did good, didnt write her a letter, no text, no calls, no nothing, i am sticking to my guns this time, it might be hard, but i know its the best for me, it will never work, to much damage is done and she is still doing it to me!!!! starting to let go again!!!! thanks people!!!
Re: starting to let go again... elf624: I am so sorry you are going through this. My stbxh did the exact same thing to me. I can tell you that limiting your contact with her will help - mostly from keeping her from trying to come back again. My stbxh did it 3 times to me. I finally realized that while even though I still loved him, it was harder being with him and wondering when he was going to leave again. I can deal with my own pain, but having to worry everyday about when he would leave to go back to the OW was too much to handle. You need to do what is best for you now. The back and forth just gets old after awhile. No one deserves to be played with like that. Stay strong!
Re: starting to let go again... td7629: I am sorry you are going through this too.. It is so hard when the person we trusted so much could do these awful things to us. We want to believe that they are going to realize what they are doing and change. It sounds like you know now that this is a pattern with her that is not going change. Elf is right, the best thing to help you heal and get stronger right now is no contact. It will be hard but it does get easier with time.. You don't deserve to be treated like this.
Re: starting to let go again... chaos40: m2g4b
I have to strongly advise you to never do something like "knock on his door with her there" again. Seriously dude what were you thinking? Stuff like that can get you locked up or even killed. Also, to boot it makes you look weak in front of her and him. They probably spent the entire night laughing at you after a move like that.
I know you are going through a lot and I also know that what I said above may sound Insensitive but you really need a kick in the pants after a dumb move like that and I actually care enough to give it to you even though you may not like it.
Re: starting to let go again... wizer_now: If anyone is going to stop this pattern of abuse and infidelity, it has to be you. Otherwise it will go on indefinitely, unless she really falls for this guy, or someone else, and leaves permanently on her own.
You know that's not what you want. It's going to have to come from you. Get yourself an attorney, and file for divorce. Do it NOW, while you're still strong enough. It may help to list all the reasons, all the events. You might need the list anyway for grounds, if you live in a fault state like I do.
