I married my high-school sweetheart... RobVT: I've been lurking on these boards for two weeks. Gotten encouragement here, and found people in the same place i am, and, unfortunately, some is worse places. So i've decided it's time to tell my story.
I Married my High-School sweetheart. I met my wife in 1992, i was a senior in high-school, she was a junior. We were paired up by mutuals friends. We were married in 1999. We married in Aug 1999. We got pregnant on our honeymoon and now have two kids. Ages 6 and 3.
I was pretty grounded in my faith in high-school, but after college, not so much. Neither of us has ever been is really religious, but we were married catholic. We started looking for a new church after our first child was born. We were both pretty stricken by all the priest scandals in the catholic church, so we were determined to find something different.
We hoped from church to church a lot not quite finding the right place.
Fast forward to today... Over the past few months, she's been "finding god." She's been reading the bible quite a bit and finding solace in that. She's been reading the bible with a Jehovah's Witness, who she says is helping her find her way.
Starting around new years, she kept urging me to find someone to watch our kids so we could have a "talk". I was convinced it was a religion talk, so i avoided it. I figured if she wanted to talk so bad, she'd find a sitter. She never did, and neither did i, so the "talk" never came about.
On Feb 4th (after the Superbowl) after the kids were in bed, she started to talk to me about religion, and how God was playing an important part in her life now. She related to me a story she had told one of her friends a few weeks earlier. She told me that as she was speaking to her friend, she was relating to her that since finding God she was no longer "confused" and that she had been "confused" even up to one week before our wedding.
"Confused" a week before we got married? So i inquired.
Indeed, she confessed that the weekend of her bachelorette party (the weekend before our wedding) that she went home with some random guy and had a one night stand. I was shocked and very angry! I had to refrain from punching holes in the walls. She confessed that additionally there was one other guy, much longer term, during our engagement. We talked (or rather, she talked and i fumed/yelled) for two hours. She told me she was telling me because it was hurting her so much to keep it from me.
From 1992 (when we met) to 1999 when we married, we broke up and got back together two or three times. Including two engagements. I demanded to know about all the times she was unfaithful during our courtship. I also asked if she had been unfaithful since we'd been married. She said "no". She's also done her best to remember everyone and everything she did. I'm keeping a Journal and a timeline of events from 1992 to today. I know it seems a bit anal-retentive, but i have to do it. She's opened up old wounds, to heal, i need them all to heal.
She's leaving everything in my hands, said if i want a divorce that she'd sign away the kids, the house, everything if i wanted that. I don't want a divorce, i still love my wife, even thought i'm extremely angry with her.
Even though i do believe she's been faithful during our marriage, I don't trust her any longer and will not trust her for some time. She knows that, i told her. She knows it's her fault. I check our caller ID daily, and quiz her on numbers i don't recognize. I've even gone so far as to read her email. I don't like being this person, but it's part of the healing process for me.
I'm taking things day by day. I still can't stop feeling empty, used and manipulated. There are times when i picture my wife in bed with another man and spiral into a fit of depression. Some days are worse than others, on the first *really* bad day i called her on my lunch break and and told her about it. I told her i was having a bad day and that it was all her fault. She took it all in stride and admitted that it was her fault and apologized. Each day that passes we talk things through even more. We've touched on subjects we're never touched on before. Some of the most open and honest conversation we've ever had.
I'm posting this in hopes that it will give someone else encouragement. Either in the solace that your feelings are valid, or by encouraging you to work it out. I don't want my children to grow-up in a broken home as my wife did. They deserve better, my ego will heal and our family will grow and remain strong.
Our marriage was on cruise control, and like it or not, this confession of hers has brought our marriage to a screeching halt -- In fact, we're at the repair shop, and the diagnosis is good. In the end, our marriage will be stronger for it. Time heals all wounds.
Re: I married my high-school sweetheart... chaos40: hey.. at least she confessed. I would say that's a good sign of a better woman to come.. I say work things out and let that water be under the bridge. You have a history, family and life invested with her and why would you want to throw all of that away. She found religon, she feels compelled to be honest with you and is even willing to pay for her mistakes. THese are all signs of a good character, one that I personally would not throw away in today's world
Re: I married my high-school sweetheart... ezekiel: Hey There,
Wow, thats a hell of a story. Well I too married my high school sweetheart, and well, she cheated on me while we were married. I divorced her not because she cheated, but because she lied when I asked her. Had she been honest, I would have probably talked through it, but since she lied, I felt betrayed and that I couldn't trust her again. In the end, I am now with an awesome woman.
Now in your case, your wife told you the truth. She came to you and told you, I on the other hand found out from her best friend's husband. I would work things out, you have kids and all of her past is just that, its the past. Dude, she married you, not them. She is still having sex with you and not them. She loves you enough to tell you the truth regardless of the possibility of losing her kids. That says a lot. She must love you man, because I wouldn't want to risk losing my kids over some fling that happened at a bachelor party. It may be hard to swallow, but trust me, its much better to find out from the horse than the trainer. At least she is honest, sounds like a good woman in the end of the day. Also realize, you were both high school sweethearts and didn't experience what a lot of people do (Random flings, one night stands, "what was her name again?", and so on). I wish my wife would have came out and told me. I still would have divorced her, largely because she broke her vows, but your's so far hasn't.
I would also stop being paranoid, that will only ruin the relationship and make her cheat. Don't check her text messages and phone bill, there is no need, if anything happens, you will find out, cheaters can't cover things up forever. Just enjoy your wife and kids and be happy that you have a family. Good luck! I hope this helps you...
Re: I married my high-school sweetheart... RobVT: [quote author=illuminati link=topic=41503.msg465928#msg465928 date=1171960772"> Also realize, you were both high school sweethearts and didn't experience what a lot of people do (Random flings, one night stands, "what was her name again?", and so on)[/quote">
I had to edit my post for length, so i cut out some of the juicy (yet hurtful) details. Unfortunately, there were many of those on her part, while i remained faithful.
Not to lose the point of your reply, indeed, i am thankful how i found out.
The road to recovery will be long and sometimes depressing, and i thank you both for your kind words, they mean a lot even though we're perfect strangers.
Re: I married my high-school sweetheart... DarrenB: [quote author=illuminati link=topic=41503.msg465928#msg465928 date=1171960772">
I would also stop being paranoid, that will only ruin the relationship and make her cheat. Don't check her text messages and phone bill, there is no need, if anything happens, you will find out, cheaters can't cover things up forever. Just enjoy your wife and kids and be happy that you have a family. Good luck! I hope this helps you...
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As one who was on the receiving end of this worst case scenario, and as one who was also constantly checked up on by my untrustful exwife(due to a previous affair by a previous husband that had nothing to do with me), I agree with the others and I can tell you firsthand...you gotta let it go and move on if you still love her and want to save the marriage.
Snooping, mistrust, accusations and a constant need for reassurance on your part is going to eventually kill your marriage as it did mine. This will breed MAJOR resentment from her, and will only cause further resentment on your part.
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