What can I expect? justmenow: For those of you who have gone through the divorce process already - the final step, signing the official document, how do you prepare for that? I have heard it doesn't take very long, but how did you prepare emotionally and what did you do for the rest of the day and how did you feel afterward?
A little insight would be helpful as my divorce hearing is set for this Thursday and I have that old familiar knot in my stomach. I know everyone is different in how they handle things, but if I can hear how others handled it I can know that I'm not abnormal if I should feel something similar. I think the place I'm in right now is denial (again). I've been here before when things first started to go sour and it's not a nice place to be.
Re: What can I expect? grober: Hey justmenow,
The day I signed the papers was really hard. I did have a few second thoughts before we actually met. I had to sit down and remember how it all came ti this. All the things that had happened: what my X had done (affair, lies, deciet), how hard I tried to work things out with her, how she was unwilling to do so. I had to tell myself over and over: THERE IS NO WAY BACK, YOU'VE TRIED IT ALL. That internal struggle of heart and head was still going on, but my head had the majority vote. Pretty tough afternoon
I met my X, we signed the papers and did a few financial transactions to take care the last few details of the division of property. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. At the time, part of me still didn't want to go through with it (my emotional side) while the other (logical side) knew there was no other way. A few times I had to blink back the tears.
Afterward I was depressed. I stayed that way for a couple of days. But then, as I'd learned during the separation, you just keep on going. Soon it was a matter of looking forward to the day it would be final, then beyond that.
It was the right thing for me to do, but it was very difficult. Reach out to family or friends after it is over. I spent alot of time on the phone that evening with family. Their encouragement meant the world to me. I also had a friend who was a pillar of strength.
Sorry to be such a chatterbox. Just know that what you're going through will be hard, but you'll make it.
Good luck.
Re: What can I expect? Billsfan709: I got lucky..no court date..no lawyers..the state of KY has agreed divorce..I facilitated it..when she told me there was no working things out..no chance of reconciliation..she loved another man..I filed the next day..what would you do?..a few agonizing months later, I'm single. We split our stuff, she's getting the last Wednesday..a clean cut..for some they realize it's really over when the papers are finalized..for me, it was the day I filed..the wait for it to be legal was hell. For her to be w/ another man while I was still "married" was torture. Maybe I'm old fashioned..but I was waiting..now It's Just Me Again. consider yourself getting a "Get Out Of Jail Free Card". It's not justmenow..It's you+friends+family+pets+those of us on the board. It's Just "You" Again..that You (from the posts) sounds pretty cool..
Chris
Re: What can I expect? churchy: Justmenow,
Foundme was right. It will be a hard day. I had a lot of emotions swirling around in my head on that day. Heck, we even drove to the hearing together. I know that is messed up, but it was in a part of the state I was unfamiliar with, and I would have had to drive past "our" house and wave to it on my way there. So I asked the ex if we could drive together. If you haven't heard my story, we parted on non-hostile terms. He had told me he was gay. But it was still very hard.
One thing that I did while we were driving back to "our" house after all was said and done - I forgave him. And I TOLD him that I forgave him. Also told him that just because I forgave him, it didn't make what he did OK. He put me thru hell during our marriage, and I was afraid that if I did forgive him, he would think it was OK. Had to make clear to him that it wasn't. And suprisingly, this whole thing has been easier on me. My anger and bitterness have subsided, and I have been able to move on. For a LONG time, all I did was hurt. What he did to me (emotional abuse and mind games) and how he used me was horrible. By forgiving him, I let a lot of that go.
Also, keep in mind that you are FREE now! YAY! That was something I kept firmly in mind the day we went to court. I WAS FREE. He couldn't hurt me anymore. In any way. Just like when you go thru your final hearing, your stbx cannot hurt you any longer. You can't change the hurt you are feeling - you have to work thru it - but she doesn't have a hold over you any longer. As much as I grieved over what we could have been, I knew, just like FoundMe, there was nothing I could have done further to save our marriage. I was confident that I had done all I could.
Next, get together with friends that day/evening. Do something to take your mind off of it. I was glad I did. I also did NOT drink that night. Drinking depresses my system, and I didn't need anything like that. We just went out and had a lot of fun. Good luck on Thursday, and I will be praying for you!
(Billsfan - how in the heck did you get thru your finalization so quickly?? My ex and I parted on good terms, my lawyer said she was going to try to break the record for the fastest hearing, and we had EVERYTHING done... The judge actually *called me to the stand* to question me. Treated me like dog doo. Hurt like h-e-double hockey sticks. Here I was, had nothing to do with the reason we were divorcing, and this old guy treats me like I wasn't good enough for my gay husband. Granted I live in WI, but man. My lawyer was ticked off! Anyway, wanted to add to you also, that I know what you mean about your ex being with another man before the divorce was final. Let me tell you how WEIRD and messed up it was for my ex HUSBAND to be with another man...) :o
Re: What can I expect? Elskeren:
Well since we now live in different provinces, we didn't have to see each other, but rather sign the docs. The divorce papers are ugly really, and yes they do ruin your day. Also for those who care about you around you and who haven't been through it they won't understand it. Me too I was immediately awashed by images from the day when we went running into the marriage office to get our marriage licence and were so happy.... I guess contemplating during that day was not bad either.
Elsk.
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