Re: At the Brink Yet Again... dsuser: At this point it seems the only plausible move, unless things suddenly become clear to her (or me) is that we'll move out. In other words, perhaps we moved in too quickly, missed steps in the way ... perhaps the idea of moving out but continuing to see each other but less intensely or frequently might shed light without completely losing the chance of making it work, and at the same time make it less severe and terrible a potential separation.
Any thoughts? I do think it will be painful... and it definitely feels like a step back, a failure in the relationship. But perhaps it is not all lost and this has some chance whatsoever? I know we are in a forum where were all had bad experiences, divorces, etc... but I guess I am looking for some hope, or a reality check.
At the Brink Yet Again... dsuser: I have been dating my girlfriend for over 15 months now, we are living together... this is my first real, long-term, and serious relationship post divorce and to be quite frank I thought this one was it... when I fell in love and was into the relationship I remember feeling "THIS is what I was supposed to feel the first time around!".
She is very insecure and doubtful of her own inner feelings. She knows she loves me, and is quite content with me, but feels that we should have known already if we were meant for each other. To be quite frank I am under no pressure, but understand her feeling. Interestingly enough, "I" am quite ready to go much closer to the next step, even though due to age reasons, etc "She" is the one pressuring herself.
Thing is, based on how we are and communicate, it seems that I feel much more strongly about her than she about me. And she worries that perhaps she ought to feel the same intensity and need for me as I do for her. She has never felt more strongly with anyone before and she accepts this, but she still wonders if the right feeling is the one 'I am having' and the fact that she is not feeling it means that she is not right for me, e.g. that she will not give me what I need. From past conversation strings you might remember that indeed I had complaints about what I needed more from her (which became less frequent and vocal as our relationship grew in time).
But yet, I do not want to break up... and she cannot be sure if she wants to break up either. We have been like this for a while, and it is so hard for me to know I want her, but she is still deciding if we should break up or not given that we are so close, but yet she cannot know. We both think she has fear of commitment (ironic that I am so willing to commit).
I swear that if we break up this would be harder than my real divorce. With my ex-marriage it was so terrible I did my mourning while still married and upon separation came liberation. This time around there are not huge fights, and we love each other deeply... but apparently me more than her (or so she thinks). So hard... it makes me wonder why do things like this happen to me, maybe I pick wrong? And why do I want to stay with her until the last minute, with the hope that we might not break up, yet feeling so diminished by the thought that I should we wanted yet I am willing to take this just for the small chance....
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... crushedman: Man, I really feel for you. This is not going to be easy. If you want this relationship, you are going to have to play the game. Play hard to get, try to be mysterious, let her initiate all contact, especially when it comes to discussing the relationship. My advice (and if you are anything like me you will NEVER follow it) is to run for the hills, though. So many red flags. You DESERVE more. Feelings like these are unlikely to change over time. If you need any help, pm me, I've walked in both sets of shoes.
cm
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... crushedman: check out this blog that i wrote
Don't fall in love with someone that is not 100% sure about wanting to be with you. The time to get out is BEFORE you fall for them- because once you fall, you will be in so far over your head you'll never catch another breath. Forget about WHY they are uncertain. Some will tell you, some will lie to you. Others will lie to themselves. It could be a million reasons:
Maybe you remind them too much of their father.
Maybe you aren't enough like their father.
Maybe they are afraid of success.
Maybe they aren't attracted to you.
Maybe you don't make enough money.
Maybe they aren't ready to settle down, and don't want a relationship 'with potential'.
Maybe they feel so strongly about you that it scares them.
Maybe commitment scares them.
It could be all of these things or none of them, or some combination thereof. It could be a million other things but it's not for you to find out. Because you WON'T find out the real story, so don't even try.
But you will try. And when you find out what you are lacking that supposedly causes this uncertainty, you'll try and fix it. A word of advice- don't try and address their concerns, unless YOU feel you need to for yourself and these concerns are legitimate character defects. Nevermind, I'll save my breath because you WILL try and address these concerns. And this is where the unraveling of a life begins.
Let's say that they tell you you are too much of a homebody. What will you do when you start to get out of the house all the time, and they are STILL unsure of their feelings? What if there are 2, 5, 10 'reasons' they are unsure and you 'fix' or 'change' every one of them and it STILL doesn't change their feelings? Now you've given up your identity and power, and you'll probably never get either one of them back as long as you are in this relationship. You don't know who you are anymore, and the ancillory side effect of this is that you will be LESS attractive to your mate, because the person that they fell for no longer exists. Sound like a catch 22? It is.
Now your confidence is shaken. Your self esteem is soon to follow, self worth behind even that, Your perspective is becoming distorted and you don't trust yourself anymore. You start looking for reassurances that aren't there, certainty that never was, the good old days that never were, the ghost of an obligation that they don't feel and they never did. Be careful of neediness, it's repulsive. Desperation is worse, and trust me, my friend, you aren't far away.
On the other side of the curtain, your partner will be perpetually evaluating you and your relationship. Since they are unsure, they'll want to BE sure. They'll pay close attention to every nuance of your relationship and your personality, and they'll be looking for cracks, so you better be on your best behaviour. Because if you happen to make a mistake, even a small one, your partner just might find that mistake revelatory. Unfortunately, you WILL make a mistake eventually (everyone does), and you'll probably make more than one. In fact, you might make more mistakes than you would under normal circumstances. You'll be on edge and constantly feel pressure. You'll walk on eggshells, or be resentful and angry because you are giving too much and getting too little in return. Which side of the line will you walk on? Don't roll over and show weakness, but don't be too demanding. Find that balance, keep your composure, be poised, and evaluate. It's time to pretend you are in control of your own destiny.
But then you make a mistake. Now you're cut and bleeding. Your partner smells blood, opportunity. Perhaps this is the sign they are looking for? When you take more responsibility than you should and apologize more profusely than the situation calls for, you're feeding the fire of frenzy. Now your playing their game of convoluted logic and misrepresented cause and effect. There are things that are true, and there is THE TRUTH. Which will you believe? Because pretty soon, everything you do will be viewed as a credit or debit on the account of this messed up relationship. In your partners eyes, you're already in the red and fighting to get even.
(cont)
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... crushedman: (cont)
Deep down inside, your partner feels guilty. You are standing on your head and jumping through hoops and they are withdrawing. You're chasing now, but you'll never catch them and they know that. Be careful, the landmine of your partner's guilt will blow your head off. Because when their guilt manifests itself, it will be anger and contempt at YOU, dressed in the thinly veiled facade of human error (yours). You won't understand, and take on more responsibility still. How many times will you place your hat in your hand and reach out? Logic doesn't work and you know that now. Don't disagree, don't argue, don't defend, don't complain, don't bargain. These are the rules of the most unfair game you will ever play.
This won't end well-- I promise. But unfortunately for you, it gets worse.
One of these days your partner is going to run into someone of the opposite sex that they feel something for. It happens to everyone, really. Happily married or single, everyone has chemistry with certain people. Sometimes it's fun to imagine how your life would have ended up with one of these people, but that's as far as it goes. Because it's not realistic to try and BE WITH everyone that you have chemistry with. Right? Well, right enough. But your partner is looking for a sign. Since that lightning bolt from heaven will never come, the fact that they met someone that they feel chemistry or spark with MUST mean that you are wrong for them afterall. Everything happens for a reason, providence is the work of the divine, serendipity, fait, destiny, et al. These notions are just the natural fruit of the seed of doubt that was planted so long ago.
But let me ask you this question: what was it that you expected to happen? You already saw this movie, you KNOW the ending all too well. Even still, jealousy now rears it's ugly head. You are becoming a person that NO ONE wants to be with. Since no one likes a jealous, obsessive psycho, this is no longer THEIR problem. It's yours. The worst part is that your jealousy won't help. They are leaving, sooner of later, and most likely they are leaving for someone else.
cm
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