Re: At the Brink Yet Again... JimB: You are most likely with someone who is EU (Emotionally Unavailable).
As a recovering EU myself, and having dealt with many other EU's on this forum and elsewhere, let me share some thoughts.
First thought: what the heck is love, anyway? There's no one answer - in fact, I think there are as many answers as there are people on the planet, because it's a highly subjective emotion. I've come around to the fact that just because my experience of love differs from my partner's, that doesn't have to mean it's of any less value. It doesn't sound like she's come around to that way of thinking yet - perhaps she lacks the maturity. (You mentioned an age difference, but didn't say which way it went - if she's younger, that could be part of it.)
I've been in relationships where I felt like what I was getting was substantially greater than what I was capable of giving. It felt out of balance (and thus uncomfortable) during the relationship, but it was always devastating when those relationships ended. Classic cases of "didn't know what I had till it was gone". So if you don't feel like you're giving way more than you're getting, the issue is entirely hers. Don't beat yourself up for being capable of emotionally investing - it's a great quality to have.
So don't make the mistake of thinking this has anything to do with love itself - it doesn't. As plus says, it has to do with her perceptions. And you mentioned her worrying, which just magnifies everything.
Have you considered a break, rather than a breakup? You haven't said how much time the two of you spend together, but you imply that you live together. Plus is a smart guy, so I'll agree with him again: it sounds like you're losing yourself in this. A couple of weeks or so apart accomplishes two things: shows her what life is like without you and thus helps her decide whether she can do this for the long haul, and shows you what life is like without her, giving you tangible proof that it might suck, but life would go on.
That's just one possible course of action. But I do think a dose of perspective would be helpful, no matter in what form it comes.
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... dsuser: That is great advise from all of you.. thank you.
We are living together, so 'taking a break is hard'. Basically it needs to be over a month or so because we've tried the leaving for a week, moving out etc with no effect. Basically what we are talking about (or she is) is moving out entirely... and if she finds that the emotions were really there just that she did not realize what they meant, then the problem of moving back together (even though leases would have been signed) would be a good one to have. Else, we moved out already....
I think that at times I do give a lot more than she does. I find myself for some reason wanting more physical activity lets just say, wanting more of her words (e.g. saying in words that she loves me)... I know this is partly my problem because I am insecure or want more than she is capable of giving. The other part is that in average she is one to say less and want less of that. This is what started everything... she saying less, me asking for a bit more effort, and then she thinking that perhaps the reason she does not give (and never gave) that much is that she has yet to find that feeling. But from talking to all and even more, I do realize that the way we feel and express love varies from person to person and it is not right for her to say "I see you and how you feel, and if I am not feeling as intensely I am worried that perhaps I should and hence things are not right".
But I have given her space, I have been asking for less, and getting a bit more... but she still has not convinced herself. I think she is too insecure, even though after many relationships in her life she is in the 30's and still does not know what she is supposed to find, to feel... when she finds 'the one'. And I think this insecurity drove my need for more security in the shape of other reinforcement and alas the catch 22.
In my mind I logically agree that I guess we'll have to separate to try -- but since it will involve her moving out formally, it feels very 'final'... almost like a true break-up... and makes it so very hard to survive intact.
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... whythisnow: DS,
I read your whole post and wish a seperation would fix it. She does sound like a person that can not commit to a relationship.
My concern is for you.
Your needs are not being met and your self esteem and confidence will be shaken to the bone. You have tried and she (for what ever reason) can not love you like you need to be loved.
I only see this ending BAD for you.
Please save yourself and leave on good terms and know it is not you.
we all know the pain of a break up and YES the one after the divorce hurt more for some crazy reason. Maybe it shows it was not a fluke and some else has rejected us. But, that is not the case.
Do not settle DS!!!
DO NOT allow this to take you down. Stand up, be gentleman and move on.
FIDO
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... dsuser: Thank you Fido, I certainly feel very hurting (though she is hurting too). I am almost certain it is a fear of commitment on her behalf. She really thinks that moving 'apartments' but Not finishing the relationship but rather just take a step back will help alleviate externalities (e.g. feel that if it were not for the apartment situation, or for it, she could make a more trustworthy decision). She is very encouraging and hopeful, feels there is a chance this could be for the better and only make us stronger. On a logical ground I guess this sounds right... if she/we find we trully miss each other, need each other, etc then it would just make us stronger and cement the commitment that is just being verbalized. All said, I find myself feeling less hope and positiveness than she warrants... the security is gone. In other words, how can you live day by day a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship knowingly that you just moved out, stepped back, and any day a decision could be made against it? I just forecast that it will be very hard to 'act natural' you know what I mean?
Re: At the Brink Yet Again... Topaz: Having walked more than a mile in your girlfriend's shoes, I can tell you from experience that nothing you can do or say will make it right or make her love you more. That has to come from her, if it comes at all.
In all likelihood, this relationship will end, either because you saw the writing on the wall and ended it, or because she ended it, with you fighting it every step of the way. Which way do you want it?
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I hope I'm wrong, but the scenario you describe is all too familiar.
Click More for the next page.
