Re: Not doing well Freckles: [quote author=sheyd link=topic=42021.msg476461#msg476461 date=1173134637">
As some of you know, I have been off-again, on-again. I am doing a huge roller-coaster right now, and I realize it is of my own making. As much as I realize people, women especially, are conditioned to believe their worth is only in "the one" and that this leads to emotional difficulties in or out of a relationship - I have also had that conditioning - and it is hurting me now.
My relationship is good, overall. We have our difficulties, as do any couple. I am madly in love. I love him intellectually as well. He is a great "second daddy" to my girls, and a good partner. However, I often don't feel as if I am as... "in-loved"? "in-lusted"? I know he loves me, he has proven it. I know he wants to be here, and god knows with some of my ups and downs that is a big thing. He doesn't believe in marriage, so that won't be happening, ok, I can deal with that - it isn't about me.
What DOES feel about me, and maybe really isn't - is the "in-loved" and "in-lusted". If he isn't "in the mood" - I feel very unsexy, my self esteem plummets. If he says something negative, even teasing, same thing. I didn't used to be that way, but now I often feel really negative about myself. My mood swings depending on how he is to me. When he speaks sweetly or touches me spontaneously, I am happy. When it isn't that way, I get down. My mood is dependant upon his reactions to me. So is my self-worth. This isn't his fault - it is mine. I need help. I need to go to a counselor. I need off this roller-coaster, and I need to feel more positively about myself. He isn't consistent in his reactions, and he has some of his own issues - which doesn't help - but again - I need to be more in control of my own self-worth.
I struggled with self-worth issues for the last few years of marriage - I "wasn't enough" for my ex, he wanted my best friend too. Now I feel like I am "not enough" for this man, too - but this time it REALLY matters - I am more in love than I was, and I don't want to put my girls through losing this man. -I- don't want to lose this man. This is part of it, I know. The issues we have had, the struggles we have had, the issues HE has are part of it too. Perhaps even chemical stuff are part of it - I have had cycle issues on and off too. I just know I am off and on NOT DOING WELL.
I am going to call to see if I can get into a counselor. Not sure how to do that with work and home and and and... but I need something. I need something to change.
So... I just wanted to put this out there... for those who might also be taking their past issues forward... for those who care about me and maybe will follow up to make sure I am taking care of myself... for whatever it is worth.
Shey
[/quote">
I don't understand
It only takes a Trip to the Court House to get Married
You give them $20.00 or something
And then you can say Husband
And he can say Wife
Where is the Downside ?
If He will not do that. Then I would Run him off
You are a Good Person. You deserve a Husband a Man
Not a Live in Boyfriend a Boy
Just my 2 cents
Re: Not doing well hudson: Hi Shey.
Maybe your insecurities are stemming from the fact that you're with a guy who refuses to make a real commitment to you(which by the way, is his prerogitive). So, as a result, you're looking for constant reassurment that he does, in fact love you, need you, desire you, want to be with you, etc..
Just a thought.
Re: Not doing well darkrose: Shey, I thought about this for a while last night while I was trying to veg out..I'm gunna say something that might come across as harsh, but please understand I'm really bad sometimes with conveying my thoughts in a more...politically correct manner.
To me, this sounds like a clear case of codependency. I mean badly. You're relying on him for your mental well-being in a sense, this is very, VERY bad. It's ok to have someone prop you up from time to time when you need it, but when you say things like you feel rejected when he doesn't want you, or when you say your self esteem plummets when he says something negative, that's codependency.
Don't feel bad, because I was codependent on my stbxw too, I just didn't realize it. I felt rejected and upset when she turned me down, and with her depression, I felt worthless when she was depressed and I couldn't help her. My problem was that I felt obligated to "fix her", I felt it was my personal responsibility as a husband to make her happy. Guess what, it's not.
One of the rather cool things my counselor did the first session after the separation was she gave me some homework. I was to create a list of my wants and needs in a relationship. I did this and at first my needs list was very, VERY long, and my wants list was pretty short. Now, it's reversed. In fact, there's only one "need" in the needs column now, everything else is a want. A few weeks ago, she told me that this was exactly how it should be, I don't NEED anything, but I WANT certain things. The whole goal of the exercise was to show me that I was getting ready to move on *AND* the codependency issues were being resolved.
Another thing I am doing is learning how to deal with my own depression. My issues aren't anywhere near anything serious because I have coping skills, but I do let stress get to me and sometimes my frustration comes out in a rather loud, vocal manner. lol. I recently discovered through counseling that my depression, my anger, everything--it's all coming from stress because I don't know how to manage it! So now, I'm taking a stress management course (audio, forget what it is exactly)..and things have been going fairly well.
I guess my point here is that you really do need counseling. You need help to overcome the issues you're having wherever they're coming from. I don't necessarily agree that the relationship is toxic, but I do believe you are codependent on him to a degree and that's not good.
*hugs* hang in there, get some counseling, and you'll be right as rain in no time.
Re: Not doing well Whirlpool: [quote author=sheyd link=topic=42021.msg476461#msg476461 date=1173134637">
My mood swings depending on how he is to me. When he speaks sweetly or touches me spontaneously, I am happy. When it isn't that way, I get down. My mood is dependant upon his reactions to me. So is my self-worth. This isn't his fault - it is mine.
[/quote">
That is a telltale sign of a toxic relationship Sheyd. I think you should do what you said and see a counselor or therapist to get to the heart of more things. It may not just be you.
Re: Not doing well sheydp: Thank you all...
Wishing... I am going to try. I couldn't today, I was too busy, but I will over my lunch break tomorrow.
Aw2... I know it isn't good, and I have been struggling with it on my own for some time now. You are one of the people I have turned to when I was having a hard time, so you know I have. With the help of friends, I have worked on it intellectually - I KNOW intellectually what it is, how I SHOULD feel... but emotionally it just isn't working anymore.
As for how it was in the other relationships... it started when my ex told me he wanted to sleep with my best friend. He loved me, wanted me, just wanted the sex. He never did sleep with her, but struggled with those desires for over 2 years. For all that time, I tried to work on our marriage, on myself, on whatever he would give me of what he wanted... every time I thought we might be happy, I would "spy" and find out I was wrong. He was just hiding that he was unhappy. I just couldn't satisfy him. Him leaving was not what did it - that was a RELIEF. Him staying, unhappy with me, was what made me feel not good enough. I learned not to trust my own perceptions of someone being happy with me... I needed proof.
There have been times in this relationship where again I was assuming things were one way, and proven wrong. Although there is no proof that he DOESN'T want me, my love languages are touch and words. I am just more touchy than he is naturally - in every way. He has worked so hard on his words - that used to hurt so much, he is much more loving now with words and that helped a lot! He works hard on touch, too. But it isn't because he WANTS to touch me as much as he does (which still isn't enough), it is because he wants to please me... that made me happy for awhile, too - because he tries so hard... but I want to feel WANTED with touch, because that is how I feel loved. This is NOT his fault, he tries for me. He DOES love, I just need to accept it. So... when he spontaneously touches, I am happy. When he hasn't for awhile, I am down. Again, though - it is my issue, not his. He has other issues, but this one is mine.
Blazin... for awhile the marriage thing bugged me, I went through a phase of having trouble with that one (at the same time I was bothered by his not wanting any more kids). Now it doesn't, though. He IS committed, and has proven it time and again. He is raising and loving my girls as his own, our finances are completely joint, he moved across the country for me, when we had our worst difficulty he stayed and worked through it when it would have been easy to leave... He has worked on our relationship, on his health (when he didn't want to) on so many things. I don't need a ring, anymore, to believe he is committed. Since he doesn't believe in marriage as an institution, I wouldn't believe in a ring, anyway. It would just be a false gesture on his part. The committment IS there, and that is all I ever really needed. (Oh, and a lovely lovely email at Valentine's day was all the wedding vow I ever wanted - he told me he believes in forever with me! ;D)
Freckles... I know you believe in marriage, so I appreciate where the sentiment is coming from, but that isn't really the issue for he and I. He is taking on many more responsibilities and caring than many a husband has before. The ceremony is just a ceremony, I would rather have him "man-up" in our relationship and with my kids, which he is doing, than require a wedding. The issue I am having is not about marriage, it is about feeling good about myself, no matter HOW he feels about me or acts toward me. THAT is where I need help, not in dragging him to an alter... But thanks for responding and caring, and your nice words.
Thanks all...
Shey
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