Not doing well sheydp: As some of you know, I have been off-again, on-again. I am doing a huge roller-coaster right now, and I realize it is of my own making. As much as I realize people, women especially, are conditioned to believe their worth is only in "the one" and that this leads to emotional difficulties in or out of a relationship - I have also had that conditioning - and it is hurting me now.
My relationship is good, overall. We have our difficulties, as do any couple. I am madly in love. I love him intellectually as well. He is a great "second daddy" to my girls, and a good partner. However, I often don't feel as if I am as... "in-loved"? "in-lusted"? I know he loves me, he has proven it. I know he wants to be here, and god knows with some of my ups and downs that is a big thing. He doesn't believe in marriage, so that won't be happening, ok, I can deal with that - it isn't about me.
What DOES feel about me, and maybe really isn't - is the "in-loved" and "in-lusted". If he isn't "in the mood" - I feel very unsexy, my self esteem plummets. If he says something negative, even teasing, same thing. I didn't used to be that way, but now I often feel really negative about myself. My mood swings depending on how he is to me. When he speaks sweetly or touches me spontaneously, I am happy. When it isn't that way, I get down. My mood is dependant upon his reactions to me. So is my self-worth. This isn't his fault - it is mine. I need help. I need to go to a counselor. I need off this roller-coaster, and I need to feel more positively about myself. He isn't consistent in his reactions, and he has some of his own issues - which doesn't help - but again - I need to be more in control of my own self-worth.
I struggled with self-worth issues for the last few years of marriage - I "wasn't enough" for my ex, he wanted my best friend too. Now I feel like I am "not enough" for this man, too - but this time it REALLY matters - I am more in love than I was, and I don't want to put my girls through losing this man. -I- don't want to lose this man. This is part of it, I know. The issues we have had, the struggles we have had, the issues HE has are part of it too. Perhaps even chemical stuff are part of it - I have had cycle issues on and off too. I just know I am off and on NOT DOING WELL.
I am going to call to see if I can get into a counselor. Not sure how to do that with work and home and and and... but I need something. I need something to change.
So... I just wanted to put this out there... for those who might also be taking their past issues forward... for those who care about me and maybe will follow up to make sure I am taking care of myself... for whatever it is worth.
Shey
Re: Not doing well darkrose: [quote author=sheyd link=topic=42021.msg476461#msg476461 date=1173134637"> I am going to call to see if I can get into a counselor. Not sure how to do that with work and home and and and... but I need something. I need something to change.
[/quote">
This is a good idea. Make it happen, no matter how difficult.
Re: Not doing well alonewith2: It's a great step that you are able to recognize where the issues are coming from: his vs yours. Hopefully counseling will help you immensely. If not, then you'll need to find some other way to help you (separately or in conjunction with the counseling) find your selfworth. It isn't healthy to depend on someone else to provide it for you (as you are very well of).
Since this has happened in your other relationships, have you been able to figure out why you don't feel "good enough?" Or is it because those feelings were proven right when your ex left you?
Maybe if you made a list of all you have to offer someone that would help? :-\
Re: Not doing well Spike: I'm telling you, Freckles is a damned genious!!!
Re: Not doing well sheydp: Actually, Freckles, that was how I felt about it for awhile, too. I was unhappy about it. But it isn't just that he doesn't care one way or another - the institution of marriage bugs him. It is expensive, legal, discriminatory... Using your restaurant analogy - what if you didn't want to go to the restaurant because you know they cook/sell kitties? Even if you didn't order it - you wouldn't want to patronize the restaurant... And she was just as happy with another restaurant?
He isn't holding marriage over me - not sure I would say yes if he asked! Financially marriage is not a great idea for me. I do agree I would like reassurance, but he is giving it, in so many ways (see my post about the Valentines day thing!) I feel lost in other ways, not about marriage (anymore).
Shey
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