Re: Not doing well sheydp: [quote author=Whirlpool link=topic=42021.msg476590#msg476590 date=1173178984"> That is a telltale sign of a toxic relationship Sheyd. I think you should do what you said and see a counselor or therapist to get to the heart of more things. It may not just be you.
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It isn't JUST me, I know that. He does have issues, and we have issues in our past, that feed into this for me. (Because you all know him, though, I don't want to blab his secrets!) I am hoping he gets help at some point too - he is working on things on his own, too, but I think we all need extra help sometimes. The truth is, though, I can only work on my own issues, not his. Together we can work on stuff, but I can't make him do anything - I can only control me. One thing I need more control on is feeling good about myself no matter what ANY man thinks or wants from me. I am a good person, and work hard on being better. I need to believe in myself, even if he left or turned horrible, I am still ME - and that is what I need to believe in... but it is so hard.
Shey
Re: Not doing well sheydp: You are all right, and INTELLECTUALLY I know all that stuff. I have told myself so time and again. I "self-talk" to make myself change thought patterns. I speak to friends about it to get back on track. I even realize intellectually when I am being unreasonable sometimes. That is why I say I am losing this battle. Intellectually I have been struggling with my emotional response. It isn't working anymore. I know how it SHOULD be... I know how I WANT to be... I tell myself all the things I should be.
My actual list of NEEDS is being met. Consistently. Even most of my wants! There are other things I wouldn't tell (his secrets) but those are things I can intellectually realize ARE -HIS- secrets. They aren't about me... intellectually I know that. I just need help getting my heart to realize it.
Shey
Re: Not doing well Spike: Oh Shey
The self worth of a person is just that, how YOU feel about you. Like CDNGurl said, if he doesn't tell you, YOU have to tell you. Confidence!!! If you are confident, then you will receive the compliments you need. I know about you and the man, personally, so I can say this; he is what he is, and you are what you are, and somewhere in between there is a place where all is right. You may have to work a little harder to ride that line, but thats where you both need to be.
Kisses and gropes
Re: Not doing well CDNgurl: Hi Sheyd,
A couple of things touched me about your post, but one thing really stood out. I'm not sure if you have ever considered this - but you may want to look into codependancy issues. When your moods and feelings, your sense of self-worth, are defined outside of yourself - that is what I understand codependancy to be.
I know what you mean by not feeling "in-lusted". I was with a man who was not particularly sexual - and I defined myself as "unsexy" because of that... it took a lot of work to separate his lack of lust from how I defined myself. Now your case doesn't sound like this - but maybe a bit of my experience might help.
My view - when you aren't being reminded of your worth from your partner, you need to remind yourself. It really is a lot to put on your partner, who might not be available to validate you all the time - because he's human and has his own issues too. :-\
Sorry if this came out wonky. :-\
Re: Not doing well Freckles: I am Puzzled
If Marrage means NOTHING to him. Its just paper
Then how come he will not do it, JUST to Please You ?
Just to make YOU happy ?
If I were in a Relationship and the Lady wanted me to go to a Fancy Restraunt where they serve you a Speck of food for $200.00
And that ONE thing would make Her Happy. But my Feelings were It would mean nothing to me.
To Please Her and make HER Happy. I would Go.
Just as I would hope something I want and SHE did not care about *One way or the Other. That SHE would Go to make ME Happy.
If it was TRUE that Marrage means NOTHING to Him. Then he would Marry you ONLY BECAUSE it Pleased You.
I think He is Punishing You and is Holding the Marrage over your Head because He knows it Hurts you.
Abuse comes in many forms as I have sadly come to Learn
Something to Think about.
As when you are in the Middle of a Relationship sometimes you can't see the Forest because of all the Trees
(I know that was Very True for Me)
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